Shaded Bough Counseling

Month: December 2022

  • How to Make A New Year’s Resolution Stick

    How to Make A New Year’s Resolution Stick

    A new year is a great time to assess where your life is, and where you want it to go. Committing to a firm goal can motivate you and help you feel progress in your life instead of being stuck or in a rut. But resolutions are also notoriously hard to stick to, so how do you make a New Year’s resolution that works for you?

    Make a New Year’s Resolution That Matters to You

    You need a “why.” What makes this goal meaningful to you? Are you doing it for yourself, for people you care about, or just because you think you’re supposed to? If you aren’t sure that this is what you want, your motivation is likely to falter.

    Let’s take exercise as an example. If your goal is to “Get in shape,” do you want to get strong? Avoid health issues or chronic pain? Feel confident in your appearance, or something else? Any of these can be valid reasons, but you need to know your reason. Then, you can remind yourself of it on days you don’t feel like working out.

    Identify your reservations, too. If you have mixed feelings about “getting fit” because you’re concerned about body-shaming in our culture, you might not work out as much as you intended. However, if your goal is to strengthen your joints, or keep up with your kids, your values will keep you going.

    So, ask yourself: what’s important to you? What would make you feel happier with your life?

    What Can You Control?

    Center your resolution on choices you make, not on external events, other people, or things you can only affect indirectly. Setting expectations for things you can’t control leads to frustration.

    For instance, you can’t control whether you get a better job. If you make that your goal, and you go through five interviews without getting an offer, you will probably feel like a failure. But you can control how many job applications you submit. You can control what your resume looks like, and you can look up common interview questions to rehearse. So if you set your goal as “Revise my resume and submit three applications each week,” you can definitely meet that.

    What physical actions can you take to get closer to your goal?

    Make It Measurable

    Have you ever wondered why computer programs show a progress bar while downloading big files? It’s because we aren’t good at waiting on things without some indication that we’re getting closer to what we want. The progress bar reassures us that things are happening, that we’re on the right track. It helps us keep going instead of giving up.

    Make your own “progress bar” by making a New Year’s resolution that you can measure. Perhaps you want to save money for a new car: how much do you want to save? How much of each paycheck can you set aside for that? If you want to save $5000 this year, and you’re paid monthly, then you could put aside $417 each month into a bank account for that purpose. Then you can see the number slowly rising each time you add to it.

    Or, suppose that you want to improve your drawing skills. How do you measure something like that? Maybe you could do quick sketches of 100 faces. Or maybe you could draw 50 types of animals, or doodle for 15 minutes a day. Look for some number you can count, and a way to record it, so you can give yourself a pat on the back for all your work later!

    Aim For Consistency, Not Intensity

    Most big changes take a long, long time. Longer than your initial burst of motivation will last. You might even have to do them forever, if it’s something like “Eat vegetables every day.” So you need to a way to sustain the work even when you aren’t motivated.

    Start with a small, simple habit you can do regularly. Same time every day, ideally. Make it as easy as possible to do and remember. Consider attaching it to another consistent habit you have – like if you want to floss more, put the floss dispenser on top of your toothbrush and always floss first.

    If your goal is a 30 minute workout three times a week, but you find yourself not doing it, what about a 10 minute workout each morning? Or, if you can’t write 500 words per day, what about 100? (These last two paragraphs are 110 words!)

    Aim for the easiest version of an activity first. You can up the challenge later.

    Make Your New Year’s Resolution With a Buddy

    Personal growth can be a lonely journey. Find someone you can share your struggles and successes with. Friends, relatives, people who share your interests, even social media can all work. It’s even better if they make a New Year’s resolution, too, so you can encourage each other’s progress.

    If your resolution is particularly tough, or you’ve got other problems getting in your way, you might want more specialized support. Therapy can be a good option here, since therapists are trained to turn vague issues like “anxiety” into specific techniques you can try. I love the process of pinning down what, exactly, the problem is, and being able to label it is often a huge relief for my clients even before we start finding solutions. If you think this process could be useful for you, drop me a line!

  • Are You a Narcissist?

    Are You a Narcissist?

    Narcissism has become a “trendy” word in pop culture lately. I’ve seen people use it to mean “selfish,” “egotistical,” “uncaring about others,” and more. But this might make you wonder, are you a narcissist, too? Let’s cut through the stereotypes and see what that actually means.

    What is narcissism?

    Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental illness. It involves an inflated sense of self-importance, a strong need for admiration, and lack of empathy for others, even if that causes problems for your life or for other people. This is different from simply “being selfish.” Most of us act selfish at some point, but we can stop doing so with a bit of self-reflection, or around people we care about. Narcissistic personality disorder is consistent across a person’s relationships.

    Narcissism is not:

    • Thinking you’re awesome. You can have a high opinion of yourself and treat others with love and respect.
    • Thinking about yourself a lot. Most humans think about ourselves and how others perceive us often.
    • Wanting attention, status, or to be liked. Most humans feel this way, too.
    • Telling people what you want. That’s not narcissism, that’s a communication skill.
    • Being a jerk to others. Some narcissists can be charming, funny and helpful. And most people who act like jerks aren’t narcissistic.
    • Being a bad person. Narcissists are people with good and bad qualities, too.

    What makes narcissism a disorder is pursuing admiration, exploiting others, or focusing on your own desires to the extent that it damages your relationships with other people.

    Narcissism is a spectrum

    Narcissism has become an insult in many circles, a way to say “bad person.” Most of my clients who worry that they’re narcissists are, deep down, worried that they’re bad people. But humans are complex.

    It’s common to have a few narcissistic tendencies without it being a full-blown disorder. For instance, most toddlers start out self-centered, because they need a lot of attention. Teenagers may feel like their problems are more important than anyone else’s, but develop a broader perspective over time. Learning to balance your own needs with those of other people is part of growing up.

    Some narcissistic traits can be neutral, or even helpful, if balanced with other strengths or used in the right way. Having a high sense of self-importance may make one person act entitled and rude – but it might give someone else the confidence to speak out against injustice. Wanting admiration can make some people put down others – but it could also motivate healthy competition and pushing yourself to grow.

    It’s true that people with severe narcissism can act self-centered, exploitative, and uncaring toward others’ feelings. But their actions are what’s right or wrong; they choose to mistreat others. You, too, can choose what kind of person you wish to be, no matter if you have a diagnosis or not.

    Are you a narcissist…or just anxious?

    Most of my clients who ask “Am I a narcissist?” aren’t on the NPD spectrum at all. They usually have the opposite problem: their self-esteem is too low. They mistake “having positive thoughts about yourself at all” for “being a narcissist,” so they feel afraid to acknowledge their good qualities. Or they think “setting boundaries and asking for what you need” is the same as “being entitled and uncaring toward others,” so they never speak up for themselves.

    If you’re worried that you might be a narcissist, first rule out whether you have anxiety or depression, because those disorders are much more common, and might cause those kinds of thoughts. Or, if someone else told you you’re a narcissist, consult a mental health professional to get a more objective opinion. And remember that diagnosis isn’t destiny: you always have the ability to grow.

    The healthiest mindset is a middle ground: valuing yourself and respecting other people. You can build up yourself and build up others, too. It’s easier said than done, but with good friends and maybe some therapy, you can get there. If you’re interested in professional support to help you find that balance, drop me a line.

  • How to Control Your Anger: 4 Practical Skills

    How to Control Your Anger: 4 Practical Skills

    Last week I wrote about how to tell if your anger is becoming a problem. This time, we’re exploring how to make anger work for you instead of against you. “Cooling down” is easier said than done. Fortunately, you can learn how to control your anger with specific, concrete skills.

    1. Learn what anger looks like for you.

    It’s easier to manage anger when you can catch it as it’s starting. To do that, you need to be able to recognize your anger early on. Think back to situations you have felt angry, and ask which of the following apply to you:

    • Feeling heat or tension in your body
    • Fist clenching
    • Glaring or scowling
    • Heavy or rapid breathing
    • Sweating or shaking
    • Becoming argumentative
    • Shutting down or withdrawing from people
    • Raising your voice
    • Getting in people’s personal space
    • Throwing or breaking things
    • Wanting to hurt yourself or someone else

    You may also think of other “symptoms” of anger unique to you.

    Try pausing a couple of times a day, and ask yourself if any of these signs are popping up for you. It’s also helpful to observe if you’re feeling tired, sick, stressed out, annoyed, hungry, or worried, because sometimes our bodies turn these feelings into anger. See if you can take a break to address these feelings before your anger reaches a boiling point.

    2. Identify your triggers.

    Everyone has a trigger: a person, thing or situation that brings up big unwanted emotions. Getting triggered does not mean you are weak. It means your brain is reacting very strongly to try to protect you, someone else, or something important to you. When you know what triggers your anger, you can decide whether you’re ready deal with that trigger today, and prepare yourself if needed.

    Some triggers are emotional:

    • Feeling disrespected, used, or hurt
    • Feeling helpless or trapped
    • Worrying about someone
    • Feeling overwhelmed or exhausted
    • Being reminded of a bad memory

    Others are situational:

    • Being stuck in a traffic jam
    • Seeing a person who wronged you
    • Being lied to or manipulated
    • Being ignored
    • Getting criticized

    There are many, many possible triggers, so examine the situations in which you felt angry. What events led up to that feeling? What thoughts kept going through your head? Once you know what made you angry, you can plan for how to respond next time.

    3. Control your anger with a safe outlet or distraction.

    Trying to suppress your anger usually makes it worse. Most of my clients who have angry outbursts try to bottle it up or pretend they aren’t angry, until they can’t take it anymore. So you need a way to “let off steam” in a way that works for you.

    My favorite outlet is literally walking away from the trigger. If it’s someone I’m talking to, I’ll say, “I need a few minutes. Back later,” then leave the room. If it’s an email or thing on the internet that upset me, I close the app. Then while I’m away from the trigger I’ll distract myself, write down how I’m feeling, or message someone else who’ll let me vent.

    But walking away isn’t always possible. Maybe you’re stuck in traffic, or have to hear a lecture from your boss. At times like this I find two strategies useful: distraction and expression. By taking your mind off the irritant you can reduce its effect on you. Or, by physically expressing the anger safely, you can take the pressure off.

    Some distractions might include:

    • Doodling
    • Thinking about something you’re looking forward to
    • Taking an object apart and putting it back together
    • Counting the number of objects in a room
    • Picturing your favorite person, places or animals

    Some expressions of anger might include:

    • Scribbling really hard on paper, then crumpling it as tight as it will go
    • Tearing apart cardboard
    • “Taking notes” that are really about how you’re feeling
    • Waiting until you have time alone, then hitting things with a stick
    • Cleaning aggressively until the dirt is terrified out of your house
    • Venting about the problem to a friend
    • Exercise – This one is especially good for getting the pent-up stress out of your system.

    One other note: suppressing anger altogether is usually unhelpful, but putting anger aside temporarily can work well. The key is to acknowledge briefly that you’re feeling angry, and give yourself permission to respond to the anger later. In the meantime, find a distraction or project you can focus on to help you cool down.

    4. Practice expressing your needs in a healthy way.

    Anger has a purpose: it tells you to act, because something is wrong. It often arises because we feel that we’re being mistreated, our boundaries are violated, or the expectations on us are unfair. So it needs to come out. But if we learn how to control our anger constructively, it won’t have to come out in a bad way.

    Communication skills are your friend here. Assertiveness skills will help you make requests from other people and stand up for your needs. Boundary-setting skills enable you to say “No,” and prevent yourself from getting mistreated. Lastly, conflict-resolution skills reframe problems from “you vs. the other person,” to “you and the other person working together against a problem.”

    I’ll elaborate on these in future posts. For now, ask yourself if there are more direct, respectful ways to tell other people what you need. My personal favorites are “I feel [emotion] right now, and I need [request],” for stating your needs, and “I’m sorry, that won’t be possible,” as an all-purpose way to say “No.”

    Bonus tip: Use feedback to learn how to control your anger more effectively.

    It’s hard to gauge how to control your anger better if you’re just guessing how others perceive you. Look for a friend, colleague or family member with whom you can practice having hard conversations. Ask them how your words and body language come across. You can also pick up strategies by watching how they handle frustration, and what words they use when they feel upset.

    A therapist can be helpful if you want in-depth support for understanding what causes your anger, deeper issues it may be masking, and which coping tools work best for you. Anger issues are very treatable, and I find most of my clients who want to get better at it, will. If you’re considering whether therapy might be right for you, drop me a line.