Shaded Bough Counseling

Month: January 2023

  • How to Be Assertive Without Being Rude

    How to Be Assertive Without Being Rude

    Do you struggle to say “No” to people? Do you worry about being selfish or entitled when asking for what you want? You’re not alone. If you’re used to going along with what others say, it can be hard to tell the difference between acting assertive and acting like a jerk. So let’s examine how you can be assertive – without being rude.

    Being Assertive (Without Being Rude) is Subjective

    What counts as “rude” or “polite” varies by culture. Different people in your life will also disagree about the right way to make requests and say no to others. You might even know some people who think anyone disagreeing with them is automatically rude. These folks might react badly even if you use the nicest words possible to say no.

    That’s why it’s important to decide what you think is fair, instead of trying to please everyone. Your best guide is treat others as you’d want them to treat you. Try saying a request or refusal out loud, and consider how you’d feel if someone else said it to you. If you wouldn’t feel hurt by someone else saying that, it’s almost always okay to say it to others.

    It’s also helpful to identify people you know who are assertive, and confident, but kind. How do they bring up problems? How do they ask for things and set boundaries? Maybe you can pick up their tricks.

    Keep Your Cool

    If you’re prone to getting angry, exhausted, anxious or overwhelmed, step away from the situation and give your brain time to calm down. Use that time for breathing exercises, a short walk, or other coping skills, then figure out what you want to say.

    It’s okay to interrupt a conversation if your feelings are getting too intense to handle it effectively. Walking away from someone might feel rude, but a person who respects you will understand if you need a break. Some things you could say are:

    • Hold on, I need few minutes.
    • Can we come back to this [in ten minutes/an hour/tomorrow]?
    • This isn’t a good time for me to talk. I’ll return when I can give you my full attention.

    State Your Needs

    In order to get your needs met, you will have to say them out loud sometimes. This may feel strange, especially if your needs were treated as “demands” or “selfishness” in the past. But people who care about you will want to hear what your needs are, because they don’t want you to feel miserable. You will also be making their lives easier because they will know for sure what’s working or not working for you, instead of them feeling confused or worried. Being honest about your needs is a kindness, not rude.

    Try framing your needs and feelings as “I statements.” This helps prevent the statement from feeling accusatory. Here are a few examples, in increasing directness:

    • I feel frustrated when you don’t do the chores we agreed were yours.
    • I’d like for you to wear headphones while playing videogames so I can study quietly.
    • I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk about my weight.
    • I need you to knock before entering my room so I’m not startled.

    Some cultures will allow more directness than others, so pick what feels fitting for you. But remember that being direct is not the same as being unkind, and you are not hurting anyone or putting them down by making requests. They can say “No” if it doesn’t work for them.

    Say “No” Clearly

    Being assertive (without being rude) is not just about what you want. It’s also about what you don’t want. That means turning down requests and expectations from other people sometimes.

    I recommend practicing an all-purpose statement like “I’m sorry, but that won’t be possible.” Or “I won’t do that.” Or even just “No.” Most people will accept that immediately. People who keep pushing for you to say yes are usually not respecting you. Don’t try to justify, argue, or explain your reasons to them, just keep saying “It won’t be possible,” or “It’s just not happening.”

    Saying “No” does not mean you’re saying “I don’t care about you.” “No” is not an insult or rejection of someone as a person. All it means is that you won’t be doing that specific thing they asked of you. If they interpret your “No” as a personal attack or insult, that is on them, not you.

    Saying “No” is also necessary so that you can be kind to others sustainably. Protecting your own boundaries and energy prevents you from becoming burned out, resentful, and letting problems fester until they explode. People who respect you will understand that you can’t do everything they ask, and they will want you to be happy, not just make them happy.

    Practice Being Assertive Without Being Rude By Using a Friend

    It can be hard to judge what’s “reasonably assertive” and what’s “pushy” or “rude” when you’re still learning. Your internal expectations are probably distorted. But you can correct them more quickly by testing out these skills and getting feedback from friends you trust. Find a friend, relative or colleague who strikes a good balance of assertive and polite, and ask them, “I’m trying to figure out how to word something, could you tell me what you think?”

    Assertiveness skills are one of my favorite subjects to teach my clients. It’s awesome to see their confidence grow and their stress drop as they take more control of their lives. Let me know if you’re interested in professional feedback and support as you practice these techniques.

  • What to Expect From Your First Therapy Session

    What to Expect From Your First Therapy Session

    Have you been considering therapy, but aren’t sure about taking the plunge? Are you worried about what to do, or whether you’d screw it up? Here’s a play-by-play of what a first therapy session looks like, so you can decide what you’re ready for, and what kind of therapist is right for you.

    Getting Comfortable

    Therapy starts with finding a comfortable place to prepare for your session. If you’re seeing a therapist in-person, their office will usually have a waiting area with chairs, a couch, maybe magazines or a water cooler. You might talk to a receptionist if it’s a larger agency, and they’ll hand you paperwork at the first therapy session. You might pay before or after session.

    Therapists don’t really ask for the “lie down and stare at the ceiling while monologuing” anymore. You totally can if you want to, though. There may even be blankets or stuffed animals you can borrow for extra comfyness!

    If you’re seeing an online therapist (like me!) then you have options. Most of my clients do therapy at home, often with a cup of coffee, or a dog in their lap. Some clients will have sessions from their car (while parked) or workplace. This is okay as long as it’s a completely private space that you’ll have for the full 50 minutes. You’ll also need to be in the same state your therapist is licensed in, since our licenses usually don’t cross state lines. Most of us use Zoom or other HIPAA-compliant video platforms, and I find that progress usually comes faster with video. But, phone calls and text-based therapy are also available.

    Many therapists are switching to digital paperwork and billing. For instance, my clients get a secure link where they can do the paperwork, put a credit/debit card on file, and download any receipts or other documents they need. I love this because you can just set and forget it.

    The First Therapy Session Special…Paperwork!

    Your first session will involve reviewing the paperwork, as well as talking about what brings you to therapy. The papers are pretty dry stuff, mostly about scheduling, payment, digital security and privacy policies. But on the bright side, you’ll know exactly what charges to expect, how to handle the internet going out mid-session, accessing your records, and things like that. This also lets you decide if you’re comfortable with your therapist’s style before sharing really personal, heavy stuff with them.

    I tend to meander a bit while talking about the paperwork. Because it’s more fun to hear your thoughts instead of just monologuing. But that’s alright; anything we don’t get to, we’ll have time for in the next session.

    Identifying Your Problems

    You probably had a chance to chat with your therapist over the phone about your concerns. And the paperwork will usually have a space for that, too. But this is where you get to elaborate more and start working together!

    It’s normal to feel some anxiety or awkwardness in the first therapy session. It’s okay if you’re not sure where to start or how to put things into words. We’re trained to help you find the words. If you’ve found the right therapist for you, it’ll feel like they’re listening to you, that they want to get to know you as a person, and that they know what they’re talking about.

    Safety Check-Ins

    At some point your therapist will gauge whether any issues could affect your immediate health or well-being. These issues might involve domestic violence, suicidal thoughts, substance use, eating disorders, or financial hardship. Some therapists will ask you outright, some will have you fill out the answers in the paperwork, and others will play it by ear.

    I like to poke a little fun at myself and flat-out call these the Awkward Questions. Because that’s what they are! Very personal things to tell someone you’ve just met! But you can say “pass,” or tell me as much or as little as you like. Besides safety, I’ll also check with people about whether they have concerns about their physical health, or intersectional issues like race, gender, and orientation. Maybe you do, maybe not, but the topic’s open in case it’s on your mind later.

    Wrapping up the First Therapy Session

    Between the paperwork, the Awkward Questions and identifying the issues, that usually leaves a few minutes to explore your options moving forward. I like to list ideas I have for coping skills, habits, and other techniques that I think could be useful for you. If there are specific diagnoses you’re interested in, we’ll assess for that in the next session to make sure there’s enough time. You’re also welcome to add things you want to get to later, too.

    There’s a lot of ground to cover in the first few sessions. It can be nerve-wracking to reach out, and heavy subjects to talk about. But my clients have told me that they ended the first session feeling relieved and hopeful. Like there was a path open for getting better. If that’s the feeling you get from your therapist, you’ve probably found a good one.

    Did this article help you feel more confident about whether to try therapy or not? Are there questions I didn’t answer? Let me know! I’m always happy to help people find the right healthcare for them.