Shaded Bough Counseling

Category: Mental Health Skills

5 Ways to Improve Self-Esteem

Self-esteem seems simple, but millions of people struggle with it. Low self-esteem increases your risk of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and other mental illnesses. It makes you more vulnerable to toxic relationships. But there are ways you can improve your self-esteem, and strengthen both your relationships and mental health.

1. Find things you like about yourself.

The simplest way to improve your self-esteem is to find your good qualities. What are you good at? What are your strengths? Do other people tell you you’re kind, funny, smart, or give you other compliments?

If you’re not sure where to start, try looking at a list of strengths and examining which ones might fit you. You’ll probably notice some good qualities you hadn’t even considered applying to yourself, like tactful, inquisitive, or genuine. For bonus points, try thinking of situations where you’ve used those strengths, to reinforce them in your brain.

I recommend trying to think of one or two good qualities each day when you’re starting out. The more you practice, the easier it will be for your brain to notice these strengths, which will increase your self-esteem.

2. Accept compliments gracefully.

When someone tells you you’re awesome, do you disagree? When they say you did a great job, do you say, “It wasn’t that special”? This can lower your self-esteem if you do it often. It builds a habit of your brain minimizing your strengths.

Instead, try saying, “Thank you! I really appreciate that.” If you feel uncomfortable, you can follow it with complimenting the other person. This takes attention off of you and helps the other person feel valued, too.

Accepting compliments may feel awkward at first. You might worry about sounding arrogant. But most people give compliments to show appreciation and try to make you feel good, so they will be happy their compliment has been accepted.

3. Avoid putting yourself down.

Many of my clients say, “I’m being lazy,” “I’m a terrible person,” or “I’m not that smart.” Even people who are smart, kind and hard-working tell me this. The problem is, if you keep telling yourself you’re bad, you’ll start to believe it.

Instead, describe the emotion you’re feeling: “I feel worried about my productivity.” “I feel guilty for what I did.” “I feel sad because I want my grades to be higher.” Often, we mistake feeling bad for being bad. But emotions are temporary, not an unchangeable part of who you are. The fact that you’re feeling bad is a sign you’re capable of reflecting on your life, and learning from it. It means you can grow.

4. Write down your accomplishments.

I like to tell my clients to write down one thing they have accomplished each day. Even small things count, like “I managed to brush my hair,” or “I made my sister smile.” If it’s an accomplishment for them, if it took any effort at all, it counts. By the end of the week they have a whole list of reasons to be proud. You can do this, too!

Writing positive things is one of the best ways to improve self-esteem because it makes your brain focus harder on the thought, and when you see it written in front of you, it feels more real.

Make sure to write down your accomplishments after you’ve done them, by the way. If you write something you’re planning to do in advance it can feel like added pressure and stress.

5. Even your friends can be a way to improve self-esteem!

A lot of our self-esteem is learned from how other people treat us. If others treat you like you don’t matter, it can be hard to believe you do.

Look for friends, family and coworkers who treat you with respect. Who pays attention to you when you talk, who hears out your opinions, who makes time for you in their day? If you usually walk away from a conversation with someone feeling better, that’s a good sign to spend more time with them. If the conversation ends and you usually feel frustrated, embarrassed or self-conscious, they may not be good for your self-esteem.

Other ways to improve self-esteem

Low self-esteem is one of the most common issues I treat in therapy. Many tools have been developed to help people with this, including assertiveness skills, boundary-setting, self-compassion, and exploring your personal values. Cognitive-behavior therapy can also be adapted to focus on self-esteem. It’s okay if you don’t know where to start: there’s enough overlap that you’ll probably find something useful with any of those subjects.

Self-help books, podcasts and other media have been created to help people with low self-esteem. You may also find a therapist useful for help personally tailored to your needs, and to get support in your self-esteem journey. If you are interested in starting sessions, or are curious about what it may look like, drop me a line!

September 22, 2022
How to Make Friends as an Introvert with Social Anxiety
Making friends is tough if you’re not naturally extroverted, or if your brain freezes up when you try to hold a conversation. As an introvert myself, I struggled for a long time. But becoming a therapist has helped me put the strategies that worked for me into words, and I bet they could help you, too. So here are my top tips for how to make friends as an introvert with social anxiety!

1. Prepare go-to topics.

Have a fallback for when you’re not sure what to say. This is especially helpful for small talk, and getting through those first few conversations. My favorites:
- Make an observation about something you both have in common. If you’re working together, you might say, “How long have you been here? What’s it like?” Or if you’re meeting for a hobby group: “So what got you interested in this?”
- Compliment them on something they chose. “I like your shoes, where did you get them?” “That’s a sweet cell phone case.” Picking something they chose is also less likely to sound intrusive than commenting on their body.
- Ask if they have a pet! Everyone who has a pet will love talking about it. If they don’t have a pet, shift to “What would you want if you did have one?” You can also show them pictures of your own pets.
2. Find predictable ways to connect.

Structured activities like board games, sports, or trivia nights are great for this. It gives you something to focus on and talk about with others. Plus, team games help people bond quickly. And you won’t have to figure out what’s coming next, so it’s less awkward.

You can also try finding meetup groups or clubs centered on an interest or hobby. Meetup.com is great for this. You can also go to stores that cater to that interest and ask the staff if they know of groups or events you could join. For instance, if you love fantasy novels, ask the library about local book clubs. If you want to get into Dungeons and Dragons, ask the staff at your local game shop for groups.

3. When in doubt, focus on the other person.

Social anxiety makes us look inward, and over-analyze everything we say and do. So I recommend getting out of your own head by consciously listening to what the other person says, does and feels.

My go-to strategy here is reflection. Try rephrasing or summarizing what the other person says back to them:
- “I moved to this town just a few months ago.”
- Reflection: “So you arrived here pretty recently.”
You can also reflect the emotions that you observe from the other person:
- “Ugh, I can’t believe my boss dumped this project on me at the last minute!”
- Reflection: “It sounds like you’re really frustrated about that.”
The great thing about reflection is that it makes people feel good to be around you, because you’re listening and treating their thoughts as important. It also encourages people to open up more, which keeps the conversation flowing without putting too much responsibility on you to say the right thing.

4. Let awkwardness happen.

Inevitably, you will have moments where you’re not sure what to say. This is normal, even for the most confident extroverts. But just because you feel awkward doesn’t mean you’re messing up.

Instead of paying attention to your inner feelings – which are biased toward anxiety – look at how other people are behaving. Are they giving you “negative signals” like turning away, glaring, responding with one-word answers or not at all? Or do they look upbeat, neutral, or maybe a little awkward themselves? Unless you’re getting clear signals from other people that they’re upset at you, you probably did nothing wrong.

It’s okay for there to be lulls in the conversation. Just wait, and the conversation will return on its own time. No one ever got hurt by a little awkwardness.

5. The most important tool to make friends as an introvert with social anxiety…is practice!

It’s hard and scary, especially at first. You will spend a lot of time worrying about whether you did it right – I know I did. This is a skill that nobody’s born knowing how to do, and it needs to be repeated over and over. Many of my clients are introverts who struggled with social anxiety, but through our work they built the confidence to reach out and make wonderful friends. You can do it, too!

If your social anxiety is particularly severe, it’s helpful to get support from other people. Your existing friends or family can give you encouragement, feedback, and help you find the courage to reach out. If you need more focused support, therapy can help you overcome your anxiety and build stronger social skills. Let me know if you’re interested in giving it a shot.
July 29, 2022
How to React to Passive-Aggressive Jealousy

What is passive-aggressive jealousy?

Most people struggle with jealousy sometimes. Sometimes, you want what other people have; other times, it’s because you’re afraid of losing someone. But most people don’t feel good about saying that outright, so it often manifests as passive-aggressive jealousy. And if someone else does it to you, it could leave you feeling stressed, guilty and confused.

But this is also an opportunity to learn what healthy communication looks like, through the example of what not to do. And by knowing how to respond to passive-aggressiveness, you can form healthier relationships and improve your confidence in yourself.

What passive-aggressive jealousy looks like

Backhanded compliments: These initially look like praise, but they feel insincere, and may have an unpleasant implication underneath. You don’t feel good after hearing them. Example: “Oh, I could never go out in such an outfit, but you’re so confident!”

Self-pity: When something good happens in your life, the other person makes you feel bad by putting themselves down. This can overlap with guilt-tripping. Example: “I’m excited to see my partner this weekend.” “You meet guys so easily. No one seems to want me.”

The silent treatment: The person ignores you, answers curtly or not at all. They don’t explain why they’re upset. Unlike normal quietness, the silent treatment draws attention to itself by refusing to engage.

Stubbornness and sabotage: A passive-aggressive person may make your life more difficult by becoming stubborn about something that seems trivial. Or they may do it “wrong” so that you have to go through extra trouble to fix it. This is a way of making you feel their frustration.

If someone close to you does these, you may find yourself feeling stressed out around them, guilty, and anxious. You may worry about whether you’re the unreasonable one for doing what you thought was normal behavior. At worst, passive-aggression can become a form of manipulation and abuse.

How to respond to it

The best way to respond to passive-aggressive jealousy depends on whether you want a close relationship with the person doing it.

For coworkers and acquaintances, your best bet is to ignore it. It may be uncomfortable, but if you haven’t done anything wrong, the other person’s frustration is not your problem. If they are a colleague, try to minimize contact with them. Keep communication strictly professional. You may have to ask your boss to help you work separately from them.

If this is someone you want to stay close to, ask them if they’re upset about something deeper. For instance: “I noticed you didn’t talk to me all weekend. Were you angry with me? Is this something we can work out?” Not everyone will open up, though.

The bottom line

Passive-aggressive people aren’t necessarily toxic or abusive. A well-meaning person may simply not know how to ask for what they want clearly. But sometimes it is part of a manipulative relationship pattern.

If you’re struggling with a passive-aggressive person in your life, or with passive-aggressive tendencies yourself, therapy can support your journey. I find that improving communication skills and boundaries is especially helpful for my clients who have these problems. Contact me if you are interested, or I can help you find suitable therapists near you.

June 21, 2022
5 Easy Self-Care Habits You Can Start Today
One of the best ways you can improve your mental health is by improving your self-care habits. In the same way that “maintenance” keeps your car running, self-care keeps your brain and body in good shape. Here are five simple, practical self-care habits to get you started.

1. Prepare with snacks

Food can affect your mood, energy, and stress level. When you feel irritable, stressed or nervous, check if you’re also feeling hungry. If so, taking a snack break will usually help you feel better. You can also use snacks as a back-up plan for when you’re too busy or tired to cook, which helps prevent you from getting exhausted.

I recommend keeping “neutral” snacks on hand. A neutral food is good enough to eat, but you don’t have strong feelings about it, positive or negative. If you worry about the calories, don’t like the taste, or get cravings for it, it’s probably not a neutral food. Bonus points if it’s portable.

2. Take breaks to stretch

Stretching is another self-care habit that helps physically and mentally. Many people carry tension in their body. This can lead to headaches, muscle cramps, digestion problems and more. Our brains then interpret the body’s tension as a sign that we need to feel stressed or anxious. Stretching helps our bodies relax, and this tells our brains to relax, too.

If you sit or stand for long periods, do stretches at least once every thirty minutes. You can stretch however you feel like, or you may follow examples like this stretching guide from Very Well Fit. Pay attention to what feels good for your body and do more of it.

3. Connect with someone

One of the best ways to feel better is to spend time with someone you care about. Friends can cheer you up, listen when you need to vent, and give you things to look forward to. Think of someone you usually feel better with after talking to them, and send them a call, message or hang out together.

If you’re not sure how to start, try asking them how their day was, or what they’ve been up to. Or show them a funny picture, or talk about something you’re interested in or looking forward to. If you have had a rough day and aren’t sure whether you should talk about that, ask them whether they’re up for hearing some venting, and they will let you know.

4. Give yourself credit

Some of our habits are purely mental. One of these habits is how often we see positive or negative traits in ourselves. If you don’t like yourself very much, your brain has probably had lots of practice at looking for negative traits.

So, do the opposite! Once a day, think of something good you can say about yourself. It might feel weird, but that just means you’re strengthening a new neural pathway in your brain. It will get easier over time.

Here are some prompts to get you started:
- Did you manage to get something done? (Even small things count.)
- Maybe you did something good for someone else, or made them smile?
- What are you good at doing? Again, even “unimportant” things count!
- Do you like something about your appearance, clothes or sense of style?
- Sometimes just getting out of bed when you’re feeling awful is an accomplishment!
5. Wind down at bedtime

Falling asleep on time is one of the most common challenges I see in therapy. Many people stay up later than they want to, or lie awake in bed feeling frustrated. If this is you, you need a way to switch your brain into “bedtime mode.”

Pick a relaxing activity that gets you out of your own head, but isn’t too absorbing, like coloring, drinking non-caffeinated tea, or rereading a book. Start doing this 20-40 minutes before you intend to sleep. If you feel sleepy earlier than the scheduled time, go to bed right then. This will help your brain associate the activity with sleep time.

Try to do the same activity, in the same location, at the same time every night. The more familiar it feels, the better your brain will get at going to sleep afterward.

Self-care habits take time

It’s okay if you can’t start doing all of these at once, or if you start off strong but miss doing them later. Any new habit will take practice before it becomes automatic, even simple ones. If you need more motivation for developing your self-care habits, consider partnering with a friend to hold each other accountable, or reach out for therapy to get expert support.
June 13, 2022