Shaded Bough Counseling

Tag: anger

  • How to Manage Stress From Current Events and News

    How to Manage Stress From Current Events and News

    Many of my clients feel anxious, depressed or angry when they watch the news or hear about it on social media. Others feel guilty about not doing enough, or not knowing enough about what’s going on. With the outbreak of the war in Israel and Palestine, the tensions are higher than ever, even here in the USA. So how can you handle the stress you feel from current events – and make a positive difference?

    1. Limit your exposure to the news

    Most news sources focus on negative events, because bad news gets people’s attention and compels us to keep watching. But our brains aren’t built to handle horrible stories every day, especially about big, faraway problems we can’t personally solve. This causes feelings of helplessness and being overwhelmed.

    Instead, I suggest picking a time when you will catch up on the news once or twice a week. Limit it to no more than an hour each time. Reading is usually better than watching video because you can skim the headlines if you’re in a hurry, or if the news is too triggering to read through entirely.

    2. Examine your sources for stress from current events

    Some news sources are better than others, both for accuracy, and for your mental health. Some social media bloggers will share news in a very stressful way, while others are calmer or more uplifting.

    Notice how you feel as you read a person’s blog, or read articles on a website, or watch a news channel. Are you starting to feel angry? Anxious? Exhausted? Some of these feelings are normal when hearing about disasters and danger, but if some of your sources regularly make you upset, you may need a source with a calmer, more level-headed tone. Some good starting points are the BBC, NPR, the Washington Post and the Economist.

    3. Outrage isn’t activism

    Many of my clients who feel stress from current events also feel like they should be feeling upset, or else it means that they don’t care enough about injustice. But feeling upset, on its own, does not help others. Your day being full of anger or worry will not cause politicians to start acting better.

    Release yourself from the obligation to always know what’s going on. Grant yourself permission not to make posts just because you feel pressured to say something. Allow yourself to set the news aside sometimes and enjoy your day, too. You need breaks and happy times so that you don’t get burned out.

    4. Look for a practical way to help

    Anger, worry, and other negative emotions exist to motivate us. So channel that motivation into an action you can do. Many folks like to pick one cause to focus on, like cleaning up pollution, or reproductive rights, or helping people find affordable housing. You might then donate to an organization related to that cause, use social media to spread awareness, or even check out volunteer opportunities in your community.

    The first key word is “sustainable.” If you can sort donations at a food pantry for an hour a week, that’s awesome. If you can only make posts telling people about food drives and where they can find pantries, that’s also helpful! Do what works for your energy level, time, resources, and personal strengths.

    The second key word is “constructive.” You will probably be much happier if you feel like you’re making a difference – and you’ll attract more people to your cause. I personally have a rule that I don’t share posts on social media if all they accomplish is making me feel upset. Instead, I share information about resources, charities, and ways people can help. That helps me feel more hopeful, too.

    5. Identify who you can talk to about stress from current events

    Some people in your life are better for discussing the news with than others. Some of them may have opinions you find offensive or hateful. Others, you might agree with, but their attitudes are hard to deal with. It’s okay to tell these folks, “I’d rather not talk about the news, thanks.” If someone insists on talking about the news after you asked them not to, change the subject or step away from the conversation.

    Look for people whom you can safely talk to about the news, and whom you don’t mind listening to in return. You both may need to vent sometimes. They may be able to give you ideas for what to do, support you with your own struggles, and help you feel like you aren’t going crazy.

    If your stress from current events is still very high, or you think it’s feeding into other problems like anxiety, depression, or tension with your loved ones, it may help to talk to a therapist. Therapy can give you more personalized tools for stress and difficult interactions with people you know. Feel free to contact me if you think that may be useful for you.

  • How to Control Your Anger: 4 Practical Skills

    How to Control Your Anger: 4 Practical Skills

    Last week I wrote about how to tell if your anger is becoming a problem. This time, we’re exploring how to make anger work for you instead of against you. “Cooling down” is easier said than done. Fortunately, you can learn how to control your anger with specific, concrete skills.

    1. Learn what anger looks like for you.

    It’s easier to manage anger when you can catch it as it’s starting. To do that, you need to be able to recognize your anger early on. Think back to situations you have felt angry, and ask which of the following apply to you:

    • Feeling heat or tension in your body
    • Fist clenching
    • Glaring or scowling
    • Heavy or rapid breathing
    • Sweating or shaking
    • Becoming argumentative
    • Shutting down or withdrawing from people
    • Raising your voice
    • Getting in people’s personal space
    • Throwing or breaking things
    • Wanting to hurt yourself or someone else

    You may also think of other “symptoms” of anger unique to you.

    Try pausing a couple of times a day, and ask yourself if any of these signs are popping up for you. It’s also helpful to observe if you’re feeling tired, sick, stressed out, annoyed, hungry, or worried, because sometimes our bodies turn these feelings into anger. See if you can take a break to address these feelings before your anger reaches a boiling point.

    2. Identify your triggers.

    Everyone has a trigger: a person, thing or situation that brings up big unwanted emotions. Getting triggered does not mean you are weak. It means your brain is reacting very strongly to try to protect you, someone else, or something important to you. When you know what triggers your anger, you can decide whether you’re ready deal with that trigger today, and prepare yourself if needed.

    Some triggers are emotional:

    • Feeling disrespected, used, or hurt
    • Feeling helpless or trapped
    • Worrying about someone
    • Feeling overwhelmed or exhausted
    • Being reminded of a bad memory

    Others are situational:

    • Being stuck in a traffic jam
    • Seeing a person who wronged you
    • Being lied to or manipulated
    • Being ignored
    • Getting criticized

    There are many, many possible triggers, so examine the situations in which you felt angry. What events led up to that feeling? What thoughts kept going through your head? Once you know what made you angry, you can plan for how to respond next time.

    3. Control your anger with a safe outlet or distraction.

    Trying to suppress your anger usually makes it worse. Most of my clients who have angry outbursts try to bottle it up or pretend they aren’t angry, until they can’t take it anymore. So you need a way to “let off steam” in a way that works for you.

    My favorite outlet is literally walking away from the trigger. If it’s someone I’m talking to, I’ll say, “I need a few minutes. Back later,” then leave the room. If it’s an email or thing on the internet that upset me, I close the app. Then while I’m away from the trigger I’ll distract myself, write down how I’m feeling, or message someone else who’ll let me vent.

    But walking away isn’t always possible. Maybe you’re stuck in traffic, or have to hear a lecture from your boss. At times like this I find two strategies useful: distraction and expression. By taking your mind off the irritant you can reduce its effect on you. Or, by physically expressing the anger safely, you can take the pressure off.

    Some distractions might include:

    • Doodling
    • Thinking about something you’re looking forward to
    • Taking an object apart and putting it back together
    • Counting the number of objects in a room
    • Picturing your favorite person, places or animals

    Some expressions of anger might include:

    • Scribbling really hard on paper, then crumpling it as tight as it will go
    • Tearing apart cardboard
    • “Taking notes” that are really about how you’re feeling
    • Waiting until you have time alone, then hitting things with a stick
    • Cleaning aggressively until the dirt is terrified out of your house
    • Venting about the problem to a friend
    • Exercise – This one is especially good for getting the pent-up stress out of your system.

    One other note: suppressing anger altogether is usually unhelpful, but putting anger aside temporarily can work well. The key is to acknowledge briefly that you’re feeling angry, and give yourself permission to respond to the anger later. In the meantime, find a distraction or project you can focus on to help you cool down.

    4. Practice expressing your needs in a healthy way.

    Anger has a purpose: it tells you to act, because something is wrong. It often arises because we feel that we’re being mistreated, our boundaries are violated, or the expectations on us are unfair. So it needs to come out. But if we learn how to control our anger constructively, it won’t have to come out in a bad way.

    Communication skills are your friend here. Assertiveness skills will help you make requests from other people and stand up for your needs. Boundary-setting skills enable you to say “No,” and prevent yourself from getting mistreated. Lastly, conflict-resolution skills reframe problems from “you vs. the other person,” to “you and the other person working together against a problem.”

    I’ll elaborate on these in future posts. For now, ask yourself if there are more direct, respectful ways to tell other people what you need. My personal favorites are “I feel [emotion] right now, and I need [request],” for stating your needs, and “I’m sorry, that won’t be possible,” as an all-purpose way to say “No.”

    Bonus tip: Use feedback to learn how to control your anger more effectively.

    It’s hard to gauge how to control your anger better if you’re just guessing how others perceive you. Look for a friend, colleague or family member with whom you can practice having hard conversations. Ask them how your words and body language come across. You can also pick up strategies by watching how they handle frustration, and what words they use when they feel upset.

    A therapist can be helpful if you want in-depth support for understanding what causes your anger, deeper issues it may be masking, and which coping tools work best for you. Anger issues are very treatable, and I find most of my clients who want to get better at it, will. If you’re considering whether therapy might be right for you, drop me a line.

  • How to Know If You Have Anger Issues

    How to Know If You Have Anger Issues

    If you’ve been feeling angrier these last few years, you aren’t alone. From the spats on social media to the highest political offices, everyone has something that ticks them off, and it’s often for a good reason. But anger that burns too hot or too often can wear you out and rip up your relationships, so how do you know when it’s a problem? Read on to figure out if you have anger issues – and what you can do about them.

    What are “Anger Issues”?

    Anger is a natural part of you. It’s there to tell you when something unfair is happening, or your boundaries or needs are being ignored. Feeling angry does not mean you have an anger issue. Instead, it’s how you act on your anger that’s healthy or unhealthy.

    When you handle your anger in a healthy way…

    • You feel motivated to tackle your problems.
    • Your own needs and values become clearer.
    • You get better at protecting your boundaries and standing up for yourself.
    • You can better gauge when something is wrong or unfair.
    • It’s easier to treat yourself and other people with fairness and respect.

    But when anger is handled in an unhealthy way…

    • It damages your relationships with other people.
    • It doesn’t help you solve problems – and might cause new ones.
    • You have more feelings of stress, exhaustion, sadness, guilt or hopelessness.
    • You feel unhappier with yourself or more depressed about life.

    Look at the role that anger plays in your life. Does it help you deal with problems, or make things harder? Do you feel good about how you handle frustrating situations, or would you rather act differently?

    It’s also useful to ask people you trust whether they think you have issues managing your anger. Some of my clients worry that they’re “too angry” only to discover that everyone else thinks they’re too passive. Other clients believe that they’re just being honest, or “keeping it real,” but accidentally come across as aggressive.

    What Do Anger Issues Look Like?

    Unhealthy anger can look like many things. Not all of these may apply to you, but if one of them does, it’s worth exploring further.

    • Angry outbursts – Yelling, throwing things, violence, losing your temper, feeling like you’ve lost control.
    • Passive-aggressiveness – An indirect way to express anger without actually talking about it. Passive-aggressiveness is often coupled with feeling resentful or like you aren’t able to express yourself openly. However, since the cause of the anger isn’t being addressed, it’s still there to cause tension for you and others.
    • Putting people down – Insults, sarcasm, giving others the cold shoulder, or otherwise disrespecting them.
    • Fights and hurtful arguments – Disagreement is normal, even in the best relationships. Friendly or not-serious arguments are common, too. But regular arguments that feel hurtful, disrespectful, or which have angry outbursts indicate a problem.
    • Anger addiction – Oddly enough, anger can be habit-forming. If you spend a lot of time with people, news, or media that make you feel angry, self-righteous or upset, it’s worth reconsidering whether that’s having a good impact on your mental health.
    • Reckless behavior – Getting into fights, injuring yourself, getting blackout drunk, or putting yourself in harm’s way. This can be a way to “blow off steam” for a while but it comes at a high risk, and doesn’t solve the problem that angered you.
    • Substance abuse – Many people use alcohol or other drugs to cope with feelings of anger. But regularly doing this can raise your risk of addiction, and it still leaves you with the problem that caused the anger in the first place.

    Improving Your Anger Management

    The good news is that you can turn your anger into a force for good. You do not have to reject the part of yourself that gets angry; in fact, I think you should listen to it. By understanding where your anger comes from, and what it’s trying to tell you, you can better tackle the real problems in your life and even grow as a person.

    I’ll be adding a more in-depth post on this next week, but for now, here is the most critical anger skill I’ve found. It’s been useful in my own life, and I recommend it to all of my therapy clients with anger issues. This skill is to wait.

    Anger makes you think you have to react immediately. But few things in life need your immediate reaction. If you see an awful post on the internet, or someone you know upsets you, ask yourself: Do I have to respond to this right now? Can I afford to step away and come back to the problem later?

    You don’t have to “bottle up” your feelings or “give in.” Just pause the issue for a while. I suggest at least 30 minutes, or a full day if you have the time. Use that time to stomp away, complain to a friend, write your thoughts down, throw rocks in your backyard, or whatever helps you safely work things through in your head. Then, if you decide it’s worth dealing with after all, you’ll be able to do so more effectively.

    Putting a pause on anger can be hard, but my clients report that it’s always useful when they manage it. And there are skills you can practice to make it easier. If you’re interested in exploring therapy to better handle your anger, drop me a line – or stay tuned for my next post about it!