Shaded Bough Counseling

Tag: anxiety

  • What is Seasonal Affective Disorder?

    What is Seasonal Affective Disorder?

    Are you one of the many people who feel tired, glum, anxious or unfocused as the days get shorter? Does it feel like depression hits you at the same time every year? You might be dealing with Seasonal Affective Disorder.

    What Seasonal Affective Disorder Means

    Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, is an old name for what is officially called “Major Depressive Disorder with seasonal pattern.” It’s not really a disorder in its own right, just a subtype of depression. But SAD can also happen to some folks who actually have bipolar disorder, so I’m using the old name here.

    If you have SAD, then at certain times of year you’ll consistently get depressed. Depressive symptoms might include sadness, fatigue, low energy, hopelessness, social withdrawal, difficulty focusing, and irritability. You might also feel worthless, guilty, or not be able to enjoy things you used to. Some people may gain or lose a lot of weight, have difficulty sleeping, or even have thoughts of hurting themselves. The symptoms last for at least two weeks, so longer than a mood swing.

    The most common SAD pattern is for depressive symptoms to start in the fall or early winter, and end in the spring. But other patterns are possible. A few people get SAD symptoms in the summer, which end in the fall.

    Why Does Seasonal Affective Disorder Happen?

    Scientists are still trying to figure that out. Our best guess so far is that it’s related to sunlight exposure. Sun exposure produces endorphins in our bodies, while lack of sunlight increases your risk of Vitamin D deficiency, which in turn raises the risk of depression. Low sunlight may also influence your levels of serotonin, melatonin, and other chemicals in your brain. However, this doesn’t explain why some people get SAD in the summer.

    What You Can Do

    Many people with SAD say that light therapy helps their symptoms. You can do this yourself at home. Go outside every day, even if it’s cold and cloudy. Indoors, you can also use a lamp designed for bright light therapy to mimic sunlight, or simulate dawn arriving earlier with a gradual wake up light.

    Most coping skills for other forms of depression are also effective for SAD. Regular exercise, eating nutritious food, and getting eight hours of sleep each night can make your body better at resisting SAD. It’s also very helpful to find a balance between productivity and leisure time. You need to stay active enough to keep your routine going, but without exhausting yourself.

    If your SAD is persistent, or if you think you may be dealing with major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder, you may want more support. A therapist can develop more personalized coping tools and prevention strategies with you. A psychiatrist can prescribe antidepressant medication if needed. If you think one of these options may be right for you, feel free to reach out to me.

  • How to Manage Stress From Current Events and News

    How to Manage Stress From Current Events and News

    Many of my clients feel anxious, depressed or angry when they watch the news or hear about it on social media. Others feel guilty about not doing enough, or not knowing enough about what’s going on. With the outbreak of the war in Israel and Palestine, the tensions are higher than ever, even here in the USA. So how can you handle the stress you feel from current events – and make a positive difference?

    1. Limit your exposure to the news

    Most news sources focus on negative events, because bad news gets people’s attention and compels us to keep watching. But our brains aren’t built to handle horrible stories every day, especially about big, faraway problems we can’t personally solve. This causes feelings of helplessness and being overwhelmed.

    Instead, I suggest picking a time when you will catch up on the news once or twice a week. Limit it to no more than an hour each time. Reading is usually better than watching video because you can skim the headlines if you’re in a hurry, or if the news is too triggering to read through entirely.

    2. Examine your sources for stress from current events

    Some news sources are better than others, both for accuracy, and for your mental health. Some social media bloggers will share news in a very stressful way, while others are calmer or more uplifting.

    Notice how you feel as you read a person’s blog, or read articles on a website, or watch a news channel. Are you starting to feel angry? Anxious? Exhausted? Some of these feelings are normal when hearing about disasters and danger, but if some of your sources regularly make you upset, you may need a source with a calmer, more level-headed tone. Some good starting points are the BBC, NPR, the Washington Post and the Economist.

    3. Outrage isn’t activism

    Many of my clients who feel stress from current events also feel like they should be feeling upset, or else it means that they don’t care enough about injustice. But feeling upset, on its own, does not help others. Your day being full of anger or worry will not cause politicians to start acting better.

    Release yourself from the obligation to always know what’s going on. Grant yourself permission not to make posts just because you feel pressured to say something. Allow yourself to set the news aside sometimes and enjoy your day, too. You need breaks and happy times so that you don’t get burned out.

    4. Look for a practical way to help

    Anger, worry, and other negative emotions exist to motivate us. So channel that motivation into an action you can do. Many folks like to pick one cause to focus on, like cleaning up pollution, or reproductive rights, or helping people find affordable housing. You might then donate to an organization related to that cause, use social media to spread awareness, or even check out volunteer opportunities in your community.

    The first key word is “sustainable.” If you can sort donations at a food pantry for an hour a week, that’s awesome. If you can only make posts telling people about food drives and where they can find pantries, that’s also helpful! Do what works for your energy level, time, resources, and personal strengths.

    The second key word is “constructive.” You will probably be much happier if you feel like you’re making a difference – and you’ll attract more people to your cause. I personally have a rule that I don’t share posts on social media if all they accomplish is making me feel upset. Instead, I share information about resources, charities, and ways people can help. That helps me feel more hopeful, too.

    5. Identify who you can talk to about stress from current events

    Some people in your life are better for discussing the news with than others. Some of them may have opinions you find offensive or hateful. Others, you might agree with, but their attitudes are hard to deal with. It’s okay to tell these folks, “I’d rather not talk about the news, thanks.” If someone insists on talking about the news after you asked them not to, change the subject or step away from the conversation.

    Look for people whom you can safely talk to about the news, and whom you don’t mind listening to in return. You both may need to vent sometimes. They may be able to give you ideas for what to do, support you with your own struggles, and help you feel like you aren’t going crazy.

    If your stress from current events is still very high, or you think it’s feeding into other problems like anxiety, depression, or tension with your loved ones, it may help to talk to a therapist. Therapy can give you more personalized tools for stress and difficult interactions with people you know. Feel free to contact me if you think that may be useful for you.

  • The 5 Skills That Taught Me How to Make Small Talk

    The 5 Skills That Taught Me How to Make Small Talk

    For many people, the hardest part of making new friends is getting through “small talk.” It can feel boring, awkward, frustrating, or even exhausting. Lack of confidence in small talk can perpetuate anxiety and loneliness by discouraging you from connecting with people. So, as an introvert who struggled with this myself, here are my best tricks for how to make small talk work for you!

    1. Understand how making small talk can help you.

    My clients who struggle with small talk often tell me they find it pointless or boring. They’d rather talk about more personal, interesting topics. And that’s natural! But small talk does have a point, one that people rarely put into words. If you know it, you’ll probably find small talk much less frustrating:

    The real purpose of small talk isn’t the content of what you’re talking about, but to demonstrate that you’re friendly and nonthreatening.

    Before people talk to you, they don’t know whether you’re a nice person or a jerk. They’re likely to be a little hesitant because you’re a stranger. Small talk is one way you can show them that you’re playing by the rules of social customs, putting them at ease. The actual subject isn’t as important as seeing that the other person is reasonable and pleasant.

    This is good news! It means that you don’t have to be a great conversationalist. You just need to seem like a polite person who won’t push at others’ boundaries or insult them. Now, as for how you do that…

    2. Open with an observation.

    There are many ways to start small talk, but my favorite is to comment on something you and your listener can both observe. Some examples are:

    • Beautiful day, isn’t it?
    • There sure are a lot of people walking dogs today.
    • Is it just me, or is this bus always late?
    • I like your jacket/purse/hairstyle/etc. Where did you get it?
    • It’s neat to look at how people decorate their yards for the holidays.

    By remarking on something you’re both aware of – perhaps directly in front of you – you don’t have to worry about getting too personal. You might be able to build rapport through a shared experience (like waiting for the same bus), or by complimenting someone. If you use compliments, commenting on something people choose (like accessories) or have done (like giving a speech at a meeting) tends to be better received than if you comment on their physical features.

    3. Have a go-to topic.

    A go-to topic is something most people can participate in or have opinions on, and which is unlikely to offend them or feel too personal. Keep a few of these subjects in mind and ask people about their experiences.

    Here are my favorite go-to’s for making small talk:

    • Do you have any pets? What are their names? What are their personalities like?
    • How do you like spending your free time?
    • Any good books/shows/podcasts you’ve been into lately? What are they about?
    • What brings you to [town]?

    4. Show interest.

    Most people love talking about things they’re interested in. They love it even more if you show interest in the thing, too. It makes the conversation more fun for them and they feel appreciated.

    This can be tricky if you are not actually interested in the same thing. If you feel bored by the other person’s chatter, you might think you’re doing small talk “wrong” or think that you’re not suited to being friends. At this point, I suggest focusing on curiosity about the other person, and what their experience means to them. For instance:

    • Amelia wants to talk about her favorite anime series. I don’t watch that anime, but it’s important to Amelia. So I ask her: “What do you find appealing about this show? What parts of it resonate with you?”
    • Liu loves football. I don’t care about football, but I do care about Liu. So when he’s gushing about how well his favorite team did, I say, “That’s awesome! I’m glad your team won. What’s next for them?” The point isn’t to fake being interested, but to give Liu a chance to talk about something he loves.
    • Shana has been swamped with work and is venting about her boss. I respond, “Man, that sounds so frustrating. They’re really dumping everything on you.”

    When in doubt, reflect. That is, paraphrase or summarize what the other person is saying. This tells the other person that you’re paying attention and helps them feel like they’re being heard. You can also reflect the emotions another person is showing, like worry, frustration, happiness, and so on: “You’re really excited for that…” “That seems exhausting to deal with…”

    Reflection is my favorite small talk skill because you don’t have to come up with clever things of your own. You can just paraphrase whatever the other person is saying, and it usually encourages them to say even more. They’ll carry most of the conversation for you, and appreciate you for listening to them.

    5. Know when to back off

    Part of what makes small talk “awkward” is that you don’t know the other person well enough to know where their boundaries are. If you worry about accidentally being rude, “weird” or making others uncomfortable, it’s probably because you aren’t sure how to gauge when you’re overstepping. By knowing how to read other people’s “No” signals, you’ll not only be respectful of others, but relieve your own nerves, too.

    Keep an eye out for:

    • The person turns away from you.
    • They give you shorter or more monotone responses.
    • They give vague, evasive answers.
    • Their face becomes less animated than before.
    • They start checking their phone or get more involved in another activity.
    • The person says they are busy, or would rather talk later.
    • The other person crosses their arms, frowns more, steps away or physically withdraws from you.
    • They suddenly change the subject or go silent.
    • You get the feeling that they’re “checking out of” the discussion, or it feels hard to engage them.
    • They tell you they’re uncomfortable or ask you to stop.

    Getting these signals doesn’t necessarily mean you did something wrong. People might disengage from small talk because they’re tired, preoccupied, anxious, or need to emotionally recharge. Or they might be autistic, and show interest differently than other people do. If you’re not sure whether someone wants to talk, it’s okay to ask, “Would you rather have some time to yourself?” to clarify.

    Don’t blame yourself if someone doesn’t want to talk. It’s usually not a reflection of you, and most people won’t be upset as long as you respect their boundaries when they ask for it.

    Bonus tip: The more you make small talk, the easier it gets.

    Making small talk is hard for many of us. I didn’t feel comfortable with it until my 20’s, when work forced me to interact with more and more people. But I did find that with practice, conversations that felt stiff or exhausting slowly became more comfortable. My social anxiety decreased and it became easier to make friends. I believe you can do this, too.

    Small talk and other social skills are some of the most common challenges I assist people with in therapy. If you’re interested in more detailed, one-on-one support for your own growth, drop me a line!