Shaded Bough Counseling

Tag: relationships

  • How to Be Assertive Without Being Rude

    How to Be Assertive Without Being Rude

    Do you struggle to say “No” to people? Do you worry about being selfish or entitled when asking for what you want? You’re not alone. If you’re used to going along with what others say, it can be hard to tell the difference between acting assertive and acting like a jerk. So let’s examine how you can be assertive – without being rude.

    Being Assertive (Without Being Rude) is Subjective

    What counts as “rude” or “polite” varies by culture. Different people in your life will also disagree about the right way to make requests and say no to others. You might even know some people who think anyone disagreeing with them is automatically rude. These folks might react badly even if you use the nicest words possible to say no.

    That’s why it’s important to decide what you think is fair, instead of trying to please everyone. Your best guide is treat others as you’d want them to treat you. Try saying a request or refusal out loud, and consider how you’d feel if someone else said it to you. If you wouldn’t feel hurt by someone else saying that, it’s almost always okay to say it to others.

    It’s also helpful to identify people you know who are assertive, and confident, but kind. How do they bring up problems? How do they ask for things and set boundaries? Maybe you can pick up their tricks.

    Keep Your Cool

    If you’re prone to getting angry, exhausted, anxious or overwhelmed, step away from the situation and give your brain time to calm down. Use that time for breathing exercises, a short walk, or other coping skills, then figure out what you want to say.

    It’s okay to interrupt a conversation if your feelings are getting too intense to handle it effectively. Walking away from someone might feel rude, but a person who respects you will understand if you need a break. Some things you could say are:

    • Hold on, I need few minutes.
    • Can we come back to this [in ten minutes/an hour/tomorrow]?
    • This isn’t a good time for me to talk. I’ll return when I can give you my full attention.

    State Your Needs

    In order to get your needs met, you will have to say them out loud sometimes. This may feel strange, especially if your needs were treated as “demands” or “selfishness” in the past. But people who care about you will want to hear what your needs are, because they don’t want you to feel miserable. You will also be making their lives easier because they will know for sure what’s working or not working for you, instead of them feeling confused or worried. Being honest about your needs is a kindness, not rude.

    Try framing your needs and feelings as “I statements.” This helps prevent the statement from feeling accusatory. Here are a few examples, in increasing directness:

    • I feel frustrated when you don’t do the chores we agreed were yours.
    • I’d like for you to wear headphones while playing videogames so I can study quietly.
    • I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk about my weight.
    • I need you to knock before entering my room so I’m not startled.

    Some cultures will allow more directness than others, so pick what feels fitting for you. But remember that being direct is not the same as being unkind, and you are not hurting anyone or putting them down by making requests. They can say “No” if it doesn’t work for them.

    Say “No” Clearly

    Being assertive (without being rude) is not just about what you want. It’s also about what you don’t want. That means turning down requests and expectations from other people sometimes.

    I recommend practicing an all-purpose statement like “I’m sorry, but that won’t be possible.” Or “I won’t do that.” Or even just “No.” Most people will accept that immediately. People who keep pushing for you to say yes are usually not respecting you. Don’t try to justify, argue, or explain your reasons to them, just keep saying “It won’t be possible,” or “It’s just not happening.”

    Saying “No” does not mean you’re saying “I don’t care about you.” “No” is not an insult or rejection of someone as a person. All it means is that you won’t be doing that specific thing they asked of you. If they interpret your “No” as a personal attack or insult, that is on them, not you.

    Saying “No” is also necessary so that you can be kind to others sustainably. Protecting your own boundaries and energy prevents you from becoming burned out, resentful, and letting problems fester until they explode. People who respect you will understand that you can’t do everything they ask, and they will want you to be happy, not just make them happy.

    Practice Being Assertive Without Being Rude By Using a Friend

    It can be hard to judge what’s “reasonably assertive” and what’s “pushy” or “rude” when you’re still learning. Your internal expectations are probably distorted. But you can correct them more quickly by testing out these skills and getting feedback from friends you trust. Find a friend, relative or colleague who strikes a good balance of assertive and polite, and ask them, “I’m trying to figure out how to word something, could you tell me what you think?”

    Assertiveness skills are one of my favorite subjects to teach my clients. It’s awesome to see their confidence grow and their stress drop as they take more control of their lives. Let me know if you’re interested in professional feedback and support as you practice these techniques.

  • How to Know If You Have Anger Issues

    How to Know If You Have Anger Issues

    If you’ve been feeling angrier these last few years, you aren’t alone. From the spats on social media to the highest political offices, everyone has something that ticks them off, and it’s often for a good reason. But anger that burns too hot or too often can wear you out and rip up your relationships, so how do you know when it’s a problem? Read on to figure out if you have anger issues – and what you can do about them.

    What are “Anger Issues”?

    Anger is a natural part of you. It’s there to tell you when something unfair is happening, or your boundaries or needs are being ignored. Feeling angry does not mean you have an anger issue. Instead, it’s how you act on your anger that’s healthy or unhealthy.

    When you handle your anger in a healthy way…

    • You feel motivated to tackle your problems.
    • Your own needs and values become clearer.
    • You get better at protecting your boundaries and standing up for yourself.
    • You can better gauge when something is wrong or unfair.
    • It’s easier to treat yourself and other people with fairness and respect.

    But when anger is handled in an unhealthy way…

    • It damages your relationships with other people.
    • It doesn’t help you solve problems – and might cause new ones.
    • You have more feelings of stress, exhaustion, sadness, guilt or hopelessness.
    • You feel unhappier with yourself or more depressed about life.

    Look at the role that anger plays in your life. Does it help you deal with problems, or make things harder? Do you feel good about how you handle frustrating situations, or would you rather act differently?

    It’s also useful to ask people you trust whether they think you have issues managing your anger. Some of my clients worry that they’re “too angry” only to discover that everyone else thinks they’re too passive. Other clients believe that they’re just being honest, or “keeping it real,” but accidentally come across as aggressive.

    What Do Anger Issues Look Like?

    Unhealthy anger can look like many things. Not all of these may apply to you, but if one of them does, it’s worth exploring further.

    • Angry outbursts – Yelling, throwing things, violence, losing your temper, feeling like you’ve lost control.
    • Passive-aggressiveness – An indirect way to express anger without actually talking about it. Passive-aggressiveness is often coupled with feeling resentful or like you aren’t able to express yourself openly. However, since the cause of the anger isn’t being addressed, it’s still there to cause tension for you and others.
    • Putting people down – Insults, sarcasm, giving others the cold shoulder, or otherwise disrespecting them.
    • Fights and hurtful arguments – Disagreement is normal, even in the best relationships. Friendly or not-serious arguments are common, too. But regular arguments that feel hurtful, disrespectful, or which have angry outbursts indicate a problem.
    • Anger addiction – Oddly enough, anger can be habit-forming. If you spend a lot of time with people, news, or media that make you feel angry, self-righteous or upset, it’s worth reconsidering whether that’s having a good impact on your mental health.
    • Reckless behavior – Getting into fights, injuring yourself, getting blackout drunk, or putting yourself in harm’s way. This can be a way to “blow off steam” for a while but it comes at a high risk, and doesn’t solve the problem that angered you.
    • Substance abuse – Many people use alcohol or other drugs to cope with feelings of anger. But regularly doing this can raise your risk of addiction, and it still leaves you with the problem that caused the anger in the first place.

    Improving Your Anger Management

    The good news is that you can turn your anger into a force for good. You do not have to reject the part of yourself that gets angry; in fact, I think you should listen to it. By understanding where your anger comes from, and what it’s trying to tell you, you can better tackle the real problems in your life and even grow as a person.

    I’ll be adding a more in-depth post on this next week, but for now, here is the most critical anger skill I’ve found. It’s been useful in my own life, and I recommend it to all of my therapy clients with anger issues. This skill is to wait.

    Anger makes you think you have to react immediately. But few things in life need your immediate reaction. If you see an awful post on the internet, or someone you know upsets you, ask yourself: Do I have to respond to this right now? Can I afford to step away and come back to the problem later?

    You don’t have to “bottle up” your feelings or “give in.” Just pause the issue for a while. I suggest at least 30 minutes, or a full day if you have the time. Use that time to stomp away, complain to a friend, write your thoughts down, throw rocks in your backyard, or whatever helps you safely work things through in your head. Then, if you decide it’s worth dealing with after all, you’ll be able to do so more effectively.

    Putting a pause on anger can be hard, but my clients report that it’s always useful when they manage it. And there are skills you can practice to make it easier. If you’re interested in exploring therapy to better handle your anger, drop me a line – or stay tuned for my next post about it!

  • The 5 Skills That Taught Me How to Make Small Talk

    The 5 Skills That Taught Me How to Make Small Talk

    For many people, the hardest part of making new friends is getting through “small talk.” It can feel boring, awkward, frustrating, or even exhausting. Lack of confidence in small talk can perpetuate anxiety and loneliness by discouraging you from connecting with people. So, as an introvert who struggled with this myself, here are my best tricks for how to make small talk work for you!

    1. Understand how making small talk can help you.

    My clients who struggle with small talk often tell me they find it pointless or boring. They’d rather talk about more personal, interesting topics. And that’s natural! But small talk does have a point, one that people rarely put into words. If you know it, you’ll probably find small talk much less frustrating:

    The real purpose of small talk isn’t the content of what you’re talking about, but to demonstrate that you’re friendly and nonthreatening.

    Before people talk to you, they don’t know whether you’re a nice person or a jerk. They’re likely to be a little hesitant because you’re a stranger. Small talk is one way you can show them that you’re playing by the rules of social customs, putting them at ease. The actual subject isn’t as important as seeing that the other person is reasonable and pleasant.

    This is good news! It means that you don’t have to be a great conversationalist. You just need to seem like a polite person who won’t push at others’ boundaries or insult them. Now, as for how you do that…

    2. Open with an observation.

    There are many ways to start small talk, but my favorite is to comment on something you and your listener can both observe. Some examples are:

    • Beautiful day, isn’t it?
    • There sure are a lot of people walking dogs today.
    • Is it just me, or is this bus always late?
    • I like your jacket/purse/hairstyle/etc. Where did you get it?
    • It’s neat to look at how people decorate their yards for the holidays.

    By remarking on something you’re both aware of – perhaps directly in front of you – you don’t have to worry about getting too personal. You might be able to build rapport through a shared experience (like waiting for the same bus), or by complimenting someone. If you use compliments, commenting on something people choose (like accessories) or have done (like giving a speech at a meeting) tends to be better received than if you comment on their physical features.

    3. Have a go-to topic.

    A go-to topic is something most people can participate in or have opinions on, and which is unlikely to offend them or feel too personal. Keep a few of these subjects in mind and ask people about their experiences.

    Here are my favorite go-to’s for making small talk:

    • Do you have any pets? What are their names? What are their personalities like?
    • How do you like spending your free time?
    • Any good books/shows/podcasts you’ve been into lately? What are they about?
    • What brings you to [town]?

    4. Show interest.

    Most people love talking about things they’re interested in. They love it even more if you show interest in the thing, too. It makes the conversation more fun for them and they feel appreciated.

    This can be tricky if you are not actually interested in the same thing. If you feel bored by the other person’s chatter, you might think you’re doing small talk “wrong” or think that you’re not suited to being friends. At this point, I suggest focusing on curiosity about the other person, and what their experience means to them. For instance:

    • Amelia wants to talk about her favorite anime series. I don’t watch that anime, but it’s important to Amelia. So I ask her: “What do you find appealing about this show? What parts of it resonate with you?”
    • Liu loves football. I don’t care about football, but I do care about Liu. So when he’s gushing about how well his favorite team did, I say, “That’s awesome! I’m glad your team won. What’s next for them?” The point isn’t to fake being interested, but to give Liu a chance to talk about something he loves.
    • Shana has been swamped with work and is venting about her boss. I respond, “Man, that sounds so frustrating. They’re really dumping everything on you.”

    When in doubt, reflect. That is, paraphrase or summarize what the other person is saying. This tells the other person that you’re paying attention and helps them feel like they’re being heard. You can also reflect the emotions another person is showing, like worry, frustration, happiness, and so on: “You’re really excited for that…” “That seems exhausting to deal with…”

    Reflection is my favorite small talk skill because you don’t have to come up with clever things of your own. You can just paraphrase whatever the other person is saying, and it usually encourages them to say even more. They’ll carry most of the conversation for you, and appreciate you for listening to them.

    5. Know when to back off

    Part of what makes small talk “awkward” is that you don’t know the other person well enough to know where their boundaries are. If you worry about accidentally being rude, “weird” or making others uncomfortable, it’s probably because you aren’t sure how to gauge when you’re overstepping. By knowing how to read other people’s “No” signals, you’ll not only be respectful of others, but relieve your own nerves, too.

    Keep an eye out for:

    • The person turns away from you.
    • They give you shorter or more monotone responses.
    • They give vague, evasive answers.
    • Their face becomes less animated than before.
    • They start checking their phone or get more involved in another activity.
    • The person says they are busy, or would rather talk later.
    • The other person crosses their arms, frowns more, steps away or physically withdraws from you.
    • They suddenly change the subject or go silent.
    • You get the feeling that they’re “checking out of” the discussion, or it feels hard to engage them.
    • They tell you they’re uncomfortable or ask you to stop.

    Getting these signals doesn’t necessarily mean you did something wrong. People might disengage from small talk because they’re tired, preoccupied, anxious, or need to emotionally recharge. Or they might be autistic, and show interest differently than other people do. If you’re not sure whether someone wants to talk, it’s okay to ask, “Would you rather have some time to yourself?” to clarify.

    Don’t blame yourself if someone doesn’t want to talk. It’s usually not a reflection of you, and most people won’t be upset as long as you respect their boundaries when they ask for it.

    Bonus tip: The more you make small talk, the easier it gets.

    Making small talk is hard for many of us. I didn’t feel comfortable with it until my 20’s, when work forced me to interact with more and more people. But I did find that with practice, conversations that felt stiff or exhausting slowly became more comfortable. My social anxiety decreased and it became easier to make friends. I believe you can do this, too.

    Small talk and other social skills are some of the most common challenges I assist people with in therapy. If you’re interested in more detailed, one-on-one support for your own growth, drop me a line!

  • What are the Effects of Financial Stress?

    What are the Effects of Financial Stress?

    Last week I talked about what financial stress is. Today we’ll explore the effects on financial stress on families, relationships and mental health. It can happen to people of any income, old or young, even the smartest of us. But no matter your situation, know that you’re not alone.

    Poverty can be traumatic.

    Poverty is unpredictable, exhausting, and frequently treated as shameful. It’s a “chronic stressor,” so even when you aren’t being harassed by bill collectors and you do have food on the table, you never really feel secure. Poverty increases a person’s risk of physical and mental illness, and makes it harder to get healthcare.

    Many of my clients who grew up in poverty report that they still worry about money, even if they’re now financially secure. Others feel guilty about spending money, even on things that make them happy or healthier. It’s difficult to talk about, especially if most of your friends or family haven’t been there, so this kind of trauma can be very isolating.

    The effects of financial stress are generational.

    Most of us learn how to think about money by watching our parents. If your parents worried about how they’d pay the bills, you may worry the same way. Children who notice their parents’ financial stress often avoid asking for things because they don’t want to be a burden on their parents.

    This problem gets bigger if your family has low “financial literacy.” That’s the ability to understand and use money to achieve your goals. Low financial literacy doesn’t mean someone’s unintelligent. It just means they haven’t had the chance to learn these skills. You may have a harder time with money if your family wasn’t able to teach it to you. But just like other learned habits, this is something you can improve.

    Financial anxiety

    Although financial stress hits low-income people the hardest, it can affect people of all social classes. In particular, anxiety often manifests through how we handle our money. Money represents different things to different people: freedom, security, hope, despair, social acceptance, guilt, self-worth, and more.

    Think about what money represents to you. Is it something to save up in case of emergency? Is it a little bit of breathing room, a relief? What do you feel okay about purchasing, and what makes you feel guilty or irritated? How much time do you want to spend thinking about money, and how will you know when you have enough? What will you do if you have enough?

    These questions get complicated quickly. My clients find that discussing it in therapy helps them figure out their core values, and to overcome their deeper fears. It’s hard work, but rewarding.

    Relationship tension

    Another form of financial stress happens when two people in a family have different ideas of how money should be used. Perhaps one spouse thinks they should be more careful with what they spend. But their partner thinks they both need a better quality of life. Maybe a parent wants an adult child to start paying rent while at home – or a child is tired of bailing their parent out of debt.

    With “money” as one of the top reasons couples split up, it’s worth talking to your partner early on about how they view money, and what kind of lifestyle they want. Explore what money represents for each of you. Often, disagreements over money stem from deeper worries or needs.

    Effects of financial stress on mental illness

    One of the toughest effects of financial stress is that it makes every other problem in your life harder. It’s harder to afford doctor visits, medication or therapy if money is tight. Even if you logically know you have “enough,” money can become another reason for your brain to worry excessively. It may also exacerbate feelings of shame, guilt, low self-worth, or feeling “unproductive.” People with addictions often struggle with financial stress, too – and the financial stress can make addiction worse.

    If you need therapy but money is tight, check out FindHelp.org or Open Path Collective. It’s better to start looking early than to wait until you’re overwhelmed, because many low-cost providers have waitlists. I also counsel clients for financial stress, and have a limited number of sliding-scale appointments for people in need. Contact me if you’re interested, or check out my next article on ways to manage your financial stress!

  • How to Make Friends as an Introvert with Social Anxiety

    How to Make Friends as an Introvert with Social Anxiety

    Making friends is tough if you’re not naturally extroverted, or if your brain freezes up when you try to hold a conversation. As an introvert myself, I struggled for a long time. But becoming a therapist has helped me put the strategies that worked for me into words, and I bet they could help you, too. So here are my top tips for how to make friends as an introvert with social anxiety!

    1. Prepare go-to topics.

    Have a fallback for when you’re not sure what to say. This is especially helpful for small talk, and getting through those first few conversations. My favorites:

    • Make an observation about something you both have in common. If you’re working together, you might say, “How long have you been here? What’s it like?” Or if you’re meeting for a hobby group: “So what got you interested in this?”
    • Compliment them on something they chose. “I like your shoes, where did you get them?” “That’s a sweet cell phone case.” Picking something they chose is also less likely to sound intrusive than commenting on their body.
    • Ask if they have a pet! Everyone who has a pet will love talking about it. If they don’t have a pet, shift to “What would you want if you did have one?” You can also show them pictures of your own pets.

    2. Find predictable ways to connect.

    Structured activities like board games, sports, or trivia nights are great for this. It gives you something to focus on and talk about with others. Plus, team games help people bond quickly. And you won’t have to figure out what’s coming next, so it’s less awkward.

    You can also try finding meetup groups or clubs centered on an interest or hobby. Meetup.com is great for this. You can also go to stores that cater to that interest and ask the staff if they know of groups or events you could join. For instance, if you love fantasy novels, ask the library about local book clubs. If you want to get into Dungeons and Dragons, ask the staff at your local game shop for groups.

    3. When in doubt, focus on the other person.

    Social anxiety makes us look inward, and over-analyze everything we say and do. So I recommend getting out of your own head by consciously listening to what the other person says, does and feels.

    My go-to strategy here is reflection. Try rephrasing or summarizing what the other person says back to them:

    • “I moved to this town just a few months ago.”
    • Reflection: “So you arrived here pretty recently.”

    You can also reflect the emotions that you observe from the other person:

    • “Ugh, I can’t believe my boss dumped this project on me at the last minute!”
    • Reflection: “It sounds like you’re really frustrated about that.”

    The great thing about reflection is that it makes people feel good to be around you, because you’re listening and treating their thoughts as important. It also encourages people to open up more, which keeps the conversation flowing without putting too much responsibility on you to say the right thing.

    4. Let awkwardness happen.

    Inevitably, you will have moments where you’re not sure what to say. This is normal, even for the most confident extroverts. But just because you feel awkward doesn’t mean you’re messing up.

    Instead of paying attention to your inner feelings – which are biased toward anxiety – look at how other people are behaving. Are they giving you “negative signals” like turning away, glaring, responding with one-word answers or not at all? Or do they look upbeat, neutral, or maybe a little awkward themselves? Unless you’re getting clear signals from other people that they’re upset at you, you probably did nothing wrong.

    It’s okay for there to be lulls in the conversation. Just wait, and the conversation will return on its own time. No one ever got hurt by a little awkwardness.

    5. The most important tool to make friends as an introvert with social anxiety…is practice!

    It’s hard and scary, especially at first. You will spend a lot of time worrying about whether you did it right – I know I did. This is a skill that nobody’s born knowing how to do, and it needs to be repeated over and over. Many of my clients are introverts who struggled with social anxiety, but through our work they built the confidence to reach out and make wonderful friends. You can do it, too!

    If your social anxiety is particularly severe, it’s helpful to get support from other people. Your existing friends or family can give you encouragement, feedback, and help you find the courage to reach out. If you need more focused support, therapy can help you overcome your anxiety and build stronger social skills. Let me know if you’re interested in giving it a shot.

  • How to Deal with Roommate Conflict

    How to Deal with Roommate Conflict

    A great roommate can be the best friend you ever had. A bad one can make life miserable. But most roommates will fall somewhere in the middle: regular people that sometimes you’ll have issues with. So how do you keep the molehills from becoming mountains? Let’s find out how to deal with roommate conflict, and make life simpler for both of you!

    1. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

    Your roommate may not have meant to hurt you or cause trouble. Did they know that leaving dishes in the sink would bother you, or that they weren’t supposed to eat some of your snacks? It may seem obvious to you, but it may not be obvious to them.

    Look for a non-malicious explanation of their behavior. If you can’t think of one, try asking them about it in a non-accusatory way: “I felt [emotion] when I noticed you did [problem behavior]. Did you mean to do that? I wanted to ask in case something was going on there.”

    2. Agree on expectations.

    You and your roommate may have different ideas for how to live together, how to talk to each other, and of course, how to deal with conflict. Your family raised you with one picture of “normal,” and your roommate’s family had theirs. So ask them how they expect things should work, and let them know if it’s different from yours.

    For instance, you may be annoyed that your roommate leaves the television on when no one’s watching it. You could say: “I’m used to living in a quiet house and find the TV distracting. Are you used to leaving it on?” This lets them know something is bothering you, without blaming them for it. Then you can start finding common ground.

    3. Be clear about what you need.

    Avoid being passive-aggressive or hoping they’ll get the hint. Your roommate won’t be able to do better unless they know what you need from them, and why it’s important. Here are a couple starting points that are firm but polite:

    “I feel [emotion] when [problem] happens, and I need [desired change].”

    “[Behavior] causes [problem] for me. Can we [find an alternative/stop doing it/do it in a different way]?”

    4. Consider a compromise.

    Your roommate may point out needs of their own. If they leave the television on all the time, it might be that they’re afraid of burglary and the background noise helps them feel safer. Or maybe they have ADHD, and noise helps them study. When you and your roommate have conflicting needs or desires, look for an alternative or middle ground.

    This might mean that sometimes you do things your roommate’s way, and sometimes they do it your way. It could mean they always do it your way, but you agree to do something else that helps them. Or vice-versa. There might even be a way for both of you to get your needs met: the roommate with ADHD could wear headphones, and the one with burglar anxiety could split the cost of a security system with you.

    Not everything can be a compromise. Sometimes one person is simply wrong, and won’t budge, and won’t offer anything in return.

    5. If you don’t know how to deal with roommate conflict on your own…

    Figuring out how to deal with roommate conflict is sometimes much tougher than having a calm, honest conversation. If either of you is dealing with stress, relationship issues, or mental health concerns, you may have a long road ahead. Some strategies that my clients find helpful for this are improving communication, setting boundaries, assertiveness, and taking care of their own mental health. Therapy sessions a great place to practice these skills – plus, you can use them to improve your other relationships, too. Drop me a line if you’re interested in developing these strengths for yourself!

  • How to React to Passive-Aggressive Jealousy

    How to React to Passive-Aggressive Jealousy

    What is passive-aggressive jealousy?

    Most people struggle with jealousy sometimes. Sometimes, you want what other people have; other times, it’s because you’re afraid of losing someone. But most people don’t feel good about saying that outright, so it often manifests as passive-aggressive jealousy. And if someone else does it to you, it could leave you feeling stressed, guilty and confused.

    But this is also an opportunity to learn what healthy communication looks like, through the example of what not to do. And by knowing how to respond to passive-aggressiveness, you can form healthier relationships and improve your confidence in yourself.

    What passive-aggressive jealousy looks like

    Backhanded compliments: These initially look like praise, but they feel insincere, and may have an unpleasant implication underneath. You don’t feel good after hearing them. Example: “Oh, I could never go out in such an outfit, but you’re so confident!”

    Self-pity: When something good happens in your life, the other person makes you feel bad by putting themselves down. This can overlap with guilt-tripping. Example: “I’m excited to see my partner this weekend.” “You meet guys so easily. No one seems to want me.”

    The silent treatment: The person ignores you, answers curtly or not at all. They don’t explain why they’re upset. Unlike normal quietness, the silent treatment draws attention to itself by refusing to engage.

    Stubbornness and sabotage: A passive-aggressive person may make your life more difficult by becoming stubborn about something that seems trivial. Or they may do it “wrong” so that you have to go through extra trouble to fix it. This is a way of making you feel their frustration.

    If someone close to you does these, you may find yourself feeling stressed out around them, guilty, and anxious. You may worry about whether you’re the unreasonable one for doing what you thought was normal behavior. At worst, passive-aggression can become a form of manipulation and abuse.

    How to respond to it

    The best way to respond to passive-aggressive jealousy depends on whether you want a close relationship with the person doing it.

    For coworkers and acquaintances, your best bet is to ignore it. It may be uncomfortable, but if you haven’t done anything wrong, the other person’s frustration is not your problem. If they are a colleague, try to minimize contact with them. Keep communication strictly professional. You may have to ask your boss to help you work separately from them.

    If this is someone you want to stay close to, ask them if they’re upset about something deeper. For instance: “I noticed you didn’t talk to me all weekend. Were you angry with me? Is this something we can work out?” Not everyone will open up, though.

    The bottom line

    Passive-aggressive people aren’t necessarily toxic or abusive. A well-meaning person may simply not know how to ask for what they want clearly. But sometimes it is part of a manipulative relationship pattern.

    If you’re struggling with a passive-aggressive person in your life, or with passive-aggressive tendencies yourself, therapy can support your journey. I find that improving communication skills and boundaries is especially helpful for my clients who have these problems. Contact me if you are interested, or I can help you find suitable therapists near you.