Shaded Bough Counseling

Tag: self-care

  • How to Make A New Year’s Resolution Stick

    How to Make A New Year’s Resolution Stick

    A new year is a great time to assess where your life is, and where you want it to go. Committing to a firm goal can motivate you and help you feel progress in your life instead of being stuck or in a rut. But resolutions are also notoriously hard to stick to, so how do you make a New Year’s resolution that works for you?

    Make a New Year’s Resolution That Matters to You

    You need a “why.” What makes this goal meaningful to you? Are you doing it for yourself, for people you care about, or just because you think you’re supposed to? If you aren’t sure that this is what you want, your motivation is likely to falter.

    Let’s take exercise as an example. If your goal is to “Get in shape,” do you want to get strong? Avoid health issues or chronic pain? Feel confident in your appearance, or something else? Any of these can be valid reasons, but you need to know your reason. Then, you can remind yourself of it on days you don’t feel like working out.

    Identify your reservations, too. If you have mixed feelings about “getting fit” because you’re concerned about body-shaming in our culture, you might not work out as much as you intended. However, if your goal is to strengthen your joints, or keep up with your kids, your values will keep you going.

    So, ask yourself: what’s important to you? What would make you feel happier with your life?

    What Can You Control?

    Center your resolution on choices you make, not on external events, other people, or things you can only affect indirectly. Setting expectations for things you can’t control leads to frustration.

    For instance, you can’t control whether you get a better job. If you make that your goal, and you go through five interviews without getting an offer, you will probably feel like a failure. But you can control how many job applications you submit. You can control what your resume looks like, and you can look up common interview questions to rehearse. So if you set your goal as “Revise my resume and submit three applications each week,” you can definitely meet that.

    What physical actions can you take to get closer to your goal?

    Make It Measurable

    Have you ever wondered why computer programs show a progress bar while downloading big files? It’s because we aren’t good at waiting on things without some indication that we’re getting closer to what we want. The progress bar reassures us that things are happening, that we’re on the right track. It helps us keep going instead of giving up.

    Make your own “progress bar” by making a New Year’s resolution that you can measure. Perhaps you want to save money for a new car: how much do you want to save? How much of each paycheck can you set aside for that? If you want to save $5000 this year, and you’re paid monthly, then you could put aside $417 each month into a bank account for that purpose. Then you can see the number slowly rising each time you add to it.

    Or, suppose that you want to improve your drawing skills. How do you measure something like that? Maybe you could do quick sketches of 100 faces. Or maybe you could draw 50 types of animals, or doodle for 15 minutes a day. Look for some number you can count, and a way to record it, so you can give yourself a pat on the back for all your work later!

    Aim For Consistency, Not Intensity

    Most big changes take a long, long time. Longer than your initial burst of motivation will last. You might even have to do them forever, if it’s something like “Eat vegetables every day.” So you need to a way to sustain the work even when you aren’t motivated.

    Start with a small, simple habit you can do regularly. Same time every day, ideally. Make it as easy as possible to do and remember. Consider attaching it to another consistent habit you have – like if you want to floss more, put the floss dispenser on top of your toothbrush and always floss first.

    If your goal is a 30 minute workout three times a week, but you find yourself not doing it, what about a 10 minute workout each morning? Or, if you can’t write 500 words per day, what about 100? (These last two paragraphs are 110 words!)

    Aim for the easiest version of an activity first. You can up the challenge later.

    Make Your New Year’s Resolution With a Buddy

    Personal growth can be a lonely journey. Find someone you can share your struggles and successes with. Friends, relatives, people who share your interests, even social media can all work. It’s even better if they make a New Year’s resolution, too, so you can encourage each other’s progress.

    If your resolution is particularly tough, or you’ve got other problems getting in your way, you might want more specialized support. Therapy can be a good option here, since therapists are trained to turn vague issues like “anxiety” into specific techniques you can try. I love the process of pinning down what, exactly, the problem is, and being able to label it is often a huge relief for my clients even before we start finding solutions. If you think this process could be useful for you, drop me a line!

  • How to Treat a Lack of Self-Confidence

    How to Treat a Lack of Self-Confidence

    If you struggle to stand up for yourself, try new things or make decisions on your own, you might lack self-confidence. Low self-confidence can hinder you from living a full life and connecting with other people. It can exacerbate anxiety, depression and other mental health issues. But people improve their self-confidence every day, and you can, too.

    1. Identify when your lack of self-confidence appears

    Self-confidence is different from self-esteem. As ADD.org puts it, “Self-confidence is a person’s attitude about their capabilities and skills. A person with good self-confidence feels like they have control over their lives. Self-esteem is how a person perceives their own value and self-worth. A person with high self-esteem is open to different ideas and comfortable socially.”

    If you have low self-esteem, your general view of yourself is negative. Low self-esteem follows you throughout your day. But confidence can vary depending on where you are, or what you’re doing.

    For instance, I’m confident when I’m providing psychotherapy. I’ve treated many clients and know what to expect. But if you entered me in a karaoke contest, I’d be very un-confident! I have no idea how to sing. You can probably think of some activities you feel more or less confident at, too.

    You might also be dealing with a lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem. Check out my other articles for more tips on treating self-esteem issues.

    Knowing when you’re confident and un-confident is useful. You might discover that you feel more confident around certain people – these are relationships to keep! Or you might lean into your strengths instead of pushing yourself to fit into a mold. It’s also reassuring to remember you are good at some things, which leads into my next point…

    2. Give yourself more credit!

    Don’t just focus on the things you struggle with. You must have been doing something right in order to get through life so far. Think about your interests, things you’re good at, things that other people say they like about you. To build self-confidence, you have to acknowledge your positive qualities.

    I often recommend that people write down a couple of things they have accomplished each day. Even if it’s as small as doing laundry or remembering to eat lunch, if it’s an accomplishment for you, it counts. This helps your brain get better at saying, “I did it! I can do things,” instead of “I’m no good, I can’t do it.” By writing it down, you also develop a tangible record of accomplishments, which you can use to counter your negative thoughts when you need a boost.

    3. What’s the worst that could happen?

    If you lack self-confidence, your brain is probably good at thinking of what could go wrong. Maybe other people will judge you. Maybe you’ll hurt someone’s feelings. You could lose your job, or fail a class, or a hundred other things.

    But if the worst did happen, what could you do to cope with it?

    Turn your worried thoughts in a more constructive direction, and create a back-up plan for if things do go wrong. Some questions I like to ask myself are:

    • Is this actually going to hurt me, or just feel uncomfortable for a while?
    • Have I ever been in a situation like this before? How did I get through it?
    • Are there programs or services I could use to help recover from this?
    • Who could I turn to for support?
    • What could my back-up plan look like?

    It’s much easier to feel confident when you know that your life will keep going even if you screw up, and you have a plan for what to do.

    Bonus tip: Practice anyway, despite your lack of self-confidence

    Low self-confidence takes a long time to overcome. Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t fix itself in a week, or a month. You will have to push yourself sometimes to do things that you’re uncomfortable with. Most of your self-confidence in an activity will come after you’ve done the activity several times and know what to expect.

    Many people can improve their confidence on their own, especially if their low self-confidence only pops up for minor, occasional things (like me not knowing how to sing). But sometimes people want more support. Perhaps you’re also dealing with anxiety, depression, or other mental illnesses, or maybe you want personal assistance for your situation. If you’re interested in counseling to help support your journey, drop me a line.

  • How to Cure Art Block

    How to Cure Art Block

    Last week, we explored the most common causes of “art block,” which prevents many artists from expressing themselves and bringing their visions to life. This issue can exacerbate stress, anxiety, self-esteem issues or depression, so figuring out how to cure art block may improve your mental and emotional health. Let’s dive in with a solution for each of art block’s most common causes.

    1. Fatigue

    Whether your body is tired or your brain is, trying to create when you’re exhausted is a quick recipe for stumbling. If this feeling comes up every time you try to create art, or you find yourself dreading the artistic process, you might also be dealing with burnout. Burnout may be caused by a job or school that overworks you, or it may happen to artists who push themselves to create a lot of art in a short period of time.

    Whatever kind of fatigue you’re dealing with, the answer is rest. Give yourself permission not to make art for at least a week. If you find yourself itching to create before the week is up, great! If you’re still tired afterward, you may need more time off (especially if art caused the burnout). Or you may need to lighten your other responsibilities so your brain won’t be too fried to create.

    2. Inability to Focus

    If you can’t focus or get attached to any art ideas, it may be because of fatigue, as above. But sometimes this issue can happen on its own, as is common for people with stress, anxiety, or ADHD.

    My go-to here is to do small, brief sketches or doodles. If you want to make a bigger or more complex project, but aren’t sure if your brain can stick to it right now, try thumbnailing the image or concepts a few times. Keep it simple! If you can draw a small, easy image, you’ll get the satisfaction from finishing something, which may spark more interest from your brain. Plus, thumbnails can help you work out kinks in the art idea before you try to make it “for real.”

    If small sketches or thumbnails don’t help, try taking a break. If you can’t stop thinking about something non-art-related, try writing those thoughts down or talking them through with a friend. Your brain may need to get some exercise, sleep on it, or resolve its other preoccupations before it can dive into art.

    3. Decision Paralysis

    You’ve got the energy. You’ve got the attention span. But you can’t put pen to paper. You may be dealing with decision paralysis.

    Decision paralysis comes in two forms. First, there’s the inability to choose what to create. Fortunately, working out how to cure art block for this is pretty straightforward. You could take requests, such as in Reddit Gets Drawn, or prompts from random generators. You could revisit one of your old works and try making it again to see how your style has changed.

    If you do have ideas, but can’t decide between them, try creating an “idea document.” Here you’ll list all the ideas for things you want to create. Toss short descriptions of each idea in there as it comes to you, and set aside all of them but one for now. This can help your brain stop worrying about fear of missing that one really cool idea.

    The second type of decision paralysis artists encounter is blank page syndrome: you’ve got the idea, and can probably see it in your head, but it’s hard to get it onto the page.

    A couple different things could help here. First, collect references and inspirational material for your subject, and try tracing or copying them. Familiarizing yourself with the subject will help you put your own spin on it. Second, make thumbnails, and experiment with lots of different ways to start. Don’t worry if they look bad – they aren’t the “real” art you’re trying to make, just rough drafts.

    But blank page syndrome can be caused by something deeper…

    4. Self-criticism and Pressure

    One of the challenges of art is that it forces you to confront your own level of ability – or lack thereof. You can’t help but compare your results to what’s in your head, or to other people’s art. And for many of us, flaws in our art feel like flaws in ourselves.

    How to cure art block for this? I suggest you make bad art on purpose. Scribble all over the page. Draw wonky perspective or mismatched eyes. Then do it again, and again – an ugly doodle every day for a week, if you can.

    The point of this is to show the fearful part of your brain that it’s okay to mess up, because you’ll always have another chance. It will also teach your brain that you can still create art even while feeling intimidated or anxious. You might even like some of the results.

    The second thing I’ve found helpful for most people is to compare your work to your previous works, not to other people. It doesn’t matter if your skill isn’t where you want to be yet. As long as it’s getting better over time, it will eventually get there. Remember that every creator you admire started off as a novice like you, and took a long time to get skilled, too.

    5. How to cure art block when you have mental health issues?

    The hard truth is, art block is sometimes caused by things you can’t fix with a single blog post like this one. Self-criticism may come from low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression. Lack of focus may come from ADHD or other disorders. I don’t want to alarm you – usually art block isn’t something to seriously worry about. But if you’ve been struggling with your mental health, it’s very likely to interfere with your art.

    The good news is that there are more resources for recovery than ever before. Art classes can be a great way to build your confidence and find support, and you can also find meetup groups and forums for artists. For a mental health focus, you can look into support groups, group counseling, or working with a therapist. Drop me a line if you have questions about ways to find support or are interested in starting therapy.

  • What Causes Art Block?

    What Causes Art Block?

    If you’re an artist, or even just like doodling sometimes, you’ve probably encountered “art block.” It’s like writer’s block, but for artists, and can be just as frustrating. It’s especially tough because for many of us, art is how we express our feelings, build confidence, and cope with stress. But there’s good news: we can figure out what causes art block by locating the steps in the process where people get stuck.

    1. You can’t think of any ideas.

    This one is actually less common than #2. Most people can think of something to make, even if just by looking around the room and drawing what they see. This is for when your brain can’t even get that far. It just feels stuck or empty.

    A few different things can cause this:

    • You’re mentally or physically tired.
    • You’re experiencing decision fatigue. This is a type of mental exhaustion that can happen if you’ve been making decisions or managing responsibilities all day. Decision fatigue makes it hard to make all the micro-decisions needed for creating art.
    • You’re overwhelmed by possibility. Sometimes, having a blank canvas in front of you and no limits actually makes creativity harder.
    • You’re not used to coming up with creative ideas. This one gets easier with practice.

    2. You get ideas, but can’t pick one.

    Many people who think they have #1 are actually dealing with this one. The ideas may be very plain and boring, like “Draw the coffee cup in front of me,” but those are still ideas. It could be that none of your ideas capture your attention or inspire you. Or it may happen so automatically that you don’t even notice the ideas slipping by. These things can cause it:

    • Your brain needs help focusing. This happens most often for folks with ADHD, but can also happen to anyone who is stressed out, preoccupied, or just plain tired.
    • Your brain is ruling out ideas too quickly. Many people will unconsciously do this because they don’t feel skilled enough to attempt their ideas yet, or don’t think the ideas are worth trying.
    • You’re trying to pick the perfect idea. This can lead to a lot of waiting…

    3. You can pick an idea, but can’t bring yourself to start drawing/painting.

    You know what you want to make but something is getting in the way! What is it?

    • You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Bolded because it is the most common cause of art block I see. Artists will want to make the art look just like it does in our heads, and it never does. This is closely related to fear of messing up.
    • You’re not sure how to start. As in, you literally don’t know which marks to put on the page, or in what order. This can be fixed by learning more about the thing you want to draw.
    • Attention difficulties. This includes decision fatigue and lack of focus, too.

    4. You can start drawing/painting, but it doesn’t turn out how you wanted.

    In this scenario, you can create art, but it isn’t meeting your standards. It may feel like your skills have disappeared, your hand won’t obey your brain, or errors jump out at you after you draw them.

    98% of the time, you haven’t actually “lost” any skill. It may be that you’re rushing, or forgot a specific technique, or are using bad materials. Or, like with #3, you could be too self-critical. If you create art while you’re already feeling bad about yourself, it’s common for that to influence how you see your artwork, too. Which leads us to #5…

    5. What causes art block the most? Low self-esteem.

    The biggest underlying reason why people get stuck – and the reason I’m talking about this on a mental health blog – is that many artists struggle with self-esteem. Art is very personal, and it’s hard not to see your art as a reflection of yourself.

    On the upside, this means improving your self-esteem will probably improve your art skills, too. Why? Because then your identity and self-worth won’t depend on it. It will make art more fun, less stressful, and you’ll probably get more art done. This is the core of my approach for my artistic clients in therapy. Drop me a line if it sounds like it’d be helpful for you, too.

    Now that we’ve gone over what causes art block, you have figured out where your own “sticking point” is. Or you may think, “That’s great, but I’d really like to know how to cure art block, too!” Not to worry: next time, I’ll talk about ways you can tackle each of the causes I listed today. Until then, happy art-ing!

  • Four Self-Care Tips for Students

    Four Self-Care Tips for Students

    If you’re in high school, you’ve probably heard stories about how difficult it can be to adjust to college life. If you’re in college or graduate school, you already know! Standard advice like “get eight hours of sleep every night” and “eat healthy” may be easier said than done when you’re moving to a new town or living in a dorm. So, set yourself up for success with some self-care tips for students, based on what’s helped my clients the most in their college years.

    1. Limit your work load.

    Don’t take more classes than you feel ready for. And don’t take harder classes than you have to. This goes double for your first semester, when you’re still figuring out how much you can handle.

    You should also take into account jobs, social obligations, and time commitments from Greek houses if you’re a member. Depending on finances, you may have to work or take a certain number of classes. Ask your program advisor for suggestions about which courses are easier or harder, and how to balance them with your situation.

    If you have ADHD or other mental health conditions, I highly recommend ADDitude’s College Success Strategies for ADHD Teens. They also mention self-care tips for students of their own!

    2. Look for friends who share your values.

    Whether you’re aiming for a 4.0 or are just here for a good time, it helps to have buddies get what’s important to you. Explore the student clubs around campus, look at fliers for upcoming events, and try attending even if you feel nervous the first few times. It’s okay to feel awkward. If you don’t click with one group of people, there will always be others.

    Some prime places to meet people might be:

    • Classrooms and libraries are a great place to meet other people who share your academic interests, or to get a study group together.
    • Dorms and other student housing often have welcome parties and group hang-outs.
    • Churches, synagogues and other spiritual centers often have groups for students. These can be good places to start if your beliefs are important to you or you want to get involved in charity work.
    • Greek houses vary in how much membership costs, how much of a time commitment they require, and how much they focus on academics, social life, and community service. Ask existing members what their daily life is like and how happy they are with the group.

    3. Break down school work into chunks.

    The most common challenge my clients encounter in college is figuring out how to tackle big tests and projects. You might have to study most of a textbook, or put a massive presentation together. But the good news is that these tasks can always be shrunk into something more manageable.

    This is my go-to strategy:

    • Figure out what the assignment is asking for. Or the material you need to review, if you’re preparing for a test.
    • Ask the teacher questions for anything where you’re not completely sure about what they want. Write the answers down.
    • Spend a half-hour just listing the tasks you have to complete to get the whole thing done. It’s like making a to-do list just for this project.
    • Break down each to-do item into smaller chunks. Be as specific as possible. So instead of “Research for a presentation,” the smaller chunks might be, “Find an article about the topic. Read an article. Find a line in it you can cite. Write out the citation for it.”
    • If you’re feeling stuck, or aren’t sure what to do next, try explaining the problem to another person. This will often get it un-stuck.

    If you’re neurodivergent, or just need better study habits, ADDitude has an excellent article on developing your organization and study skills.

    4. Check out your campus’ support resources.

    Self-care tips for students may not be enough on their own. But all colleges in the USA have a disability office you can ask about accommodations, and most have counseling centers. You may be able to score free therapy, career advice, and study skills coaching! Plus access to the gym, recreation center, and other student amenities. Go to the school’s website or student resource center and try to find everything they’re offering. Grab everything your tuition entitles you to!

    The main limitation of college counseling centers is that they often have long waitlists, and you don’t get to choose your counselor. So some students choose to get counseling independently anyway. If you’re in Texas, I’m one such therapist who often works with students, and helps other students find the right therapist for them. Drop me a line if you are interested or want more articles about mental health in college!

  • 5 Easy Self-Care Habits You Can Start Today

    5 Easy Self-Care Habits You Can Start Today

    One of the best ways you can improve your mental health is by improving your self-care habits. In the same way that “maintenance” keeps your car running, self-care keeps your brain and body in good shape. Here are five simple, practical self-care habits to get you started.

    1. Prepare with snacks

    Food can affect your mood, energy, and stress level. When you feel irritable, stressed or nervous, check if you’re also feeling hungry. If so, taking a snack break will usually help you feel better. You can also use snacks as a back-up plan for when you’re too busy or tired to cook, which helps prevent you from getting exhausted.

    I recommend keeping “neutral” snacks on hand. A neutral food is good enough to eat, but you don’t have strong feelings about it, positive or negative. If you worry about the calories, don’t like the taste, or get cravings for it, it’s probably not a neutral food. Bonus points if it’s portable.

    2. Take breaks to stretch

    Stretching is another self-care habit that helps physically and mentally. Many people carry tension in their body. This can lead to headaches, muscle cramps, digestion problems and more. Our brains then interpret the body’s tension as a sign that we need to feel stressed or anxious. Stretching helps our bodies relax, and this tells our brains to relax, too.

    If you sit or stand for long periods, do stretches at least once every thirty minutes. You can stretch however you feel like, or you may follow examples like this stretching guide from Very Well Fit. Pay attention to what feels good for your body and do more of it.

    3. Connect with someone

    One of the best ways to feel better is to spend time with someone you care about. Friends can cheer you up, listen when you need to vent, and give you things to look forward to. Think of someone you usually feel better with after talking to them, and send them a call, message or hang out together.

    If you’re not sure how to start, try asking them how their day was, or what they’ve been up to. Or show them a funny picture, or talk about something you’re interested in or looking forward to. If you have had a rough day and aren’t sure whether you should talk about that, ask them whether they’re up for hearing some venting, and they will let you know.

    4. Give yourself credit

    Some of our habits are purely mental. One of these habits is how often we see positive or negative traits in ourselves. If you don’t like yourself very much, your brain has probably had lots of practice at looking for negative traits.

    So, do the opposite! Once a day, think of something good you can say about yourself. It might feel weird, but that just means you’re strengthening a new neural pathway in your brain. It will get easier over time.

    Here are some prompts to get you started:

    • Did you manage to get something done? (Even small things count.)
    • Maybe you did something good for someone else, or made them smile?
    • What are you good at doing? Again, even “unimportant” things count!
    • Do you like something about your appearance, clothes or sense of style?
    • Sometimes just getting out of bed when you’re feeling awful is an accomplishment!

    5. Wind down at bedtime

    Falling asleep on time is one of the most common challenges I see in therapy. Many people stay up later than they want to, or lie awake in bed feeling frustrated. If this is you, you need a way to switch your brain into “bedtime mode.”

    Pick a relaxing activity that gets you out of your own head, but isn’t too absorbing, like coloring, drinking non-caffeinated tea, or rereading a book. Start doing this 20-40 minutes before you intend to sleep. If you feel sleepy earlier than the scheduled time, go to bed right then. This will help your brain associate the activity with sleep time.

    Try to do the same activity, in the same location, at the same time every night. The more familiar it feels, the better your brain will get at going to sleep afterward.

    Self-care habits take time

    It’s okay if you can’t start doing all of these at once, or if you start off strong but miss doing them later. Any new habit will take practice before it becomes automatic, even simple ones. If you need more motivation for developing your self-care habits, consider partnering with a friend to hold each other accountable, or reach out for therapy to get expert support.