Shaded Bough Counseling

Tag: self-esteem

  • Are You a Narcissist?

    Are You a Narcissist?

    Narcissism has become a “trendy” word in pop culture lately. I’ve seen people use it to mean “selfish,” “egotistical,” “uncaring about others,” and more. But this might make you wonder, are you a narcissist, too? Let’s cut through the stereotypes and see what that actually means.

    What is narcissism?

    Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental illness. It involves an inflated sense of self-importance, a strong need for admiration, and lack of empathy for others, even if that causes problems for your life or for other people. This is different from simply “being selfish.” Most of us act selfish at some point, but we can stop doing so with a bit of self-reflection, or around people we care about. Narcissistic personality disorder is consistent across a person’s relationships.

    Narcissism is not:

    • Thinking you’re awesome. You can have a high opinion of yourself and treat others with love and respect.
    • Thinking about yourself a lot. Most humans think about ourselves and how others perceive us often.
    • Wanting attention, status, or to be liked. Most humans feel this way, too.
    • Telling people what you want. That’s not narcissism, that’s a communication skill.
    • Being a jerk to others. Some narcissists can be charming, funny and helpful. And most people who act like jerks aren’t narcissistic.
    • Being a bad person. Narcissists are people with good and bad qualities, too.

    What makes narcissism a disorder is pursuing admiration, exploiting others, or focusing on your own desires to the extent that it damages your relationships with other people.

    Narcissism is a spectrum

    Narcissism has become an insult in many circles, a way to say “bad person.” Most of my clients who worry that they’re narcissists are, deep down, worried that they’re bad people. But humans are complex.

    It’s common to have a few narcissistic tendencies without it being a full-blown disorder. For instance, most toddlers start out self-centered, because they need a lot of attention. Teenagers may feel like their problems are more important than anyone else’s, but develop a broader perspective over time. Learning to balance your own needs with those of other people is part of growing up.

    Some narcissistic traits can be neutral, or even helpful, if balanced with other strengths or used in the right way. Having a high sense of self-importance may make one person act entitled and rude – but it might give someone else the confidence to speak out against injustice. Wanting admiration can make some people put down others – but it could also motivate healthy competition and pushing yourself to grow.

    It’s true that people with severe narcissism can act self-centered, exploitative, and uncaring toward others’ feelings. But their actions are what’s right or wrong; they choose to mistreat others. You, too, can choose what kind of person you wish to be, no matter if you have a diagnosis or not.

    Are you a narcissist…or just anxious?

    Most of my clients who ask “Am I a narcissist?” aren’t on the NPD spectrum at all. They usually have the opposite problem: their self-esteem is too low. They mistake “having positive thoughts about yourself at all” for “being a narcissist,” so they feel afraid to acknowledge their good qualities. Or they think “setting boundaries and asking for what you need” is the same as “being entitled and uncaring toward others,” so they never speak up for themselves.

    If you’re worried that you might be a narcissist, first rule out whether you have anxiety or depression, because those disorders are much more common, and might cause those kinds of thoughts. Or, if someone else told you you’re a narcissist, consult a mental health professional to get a more objective opinion. And remember that diagnosis isn’t destiny: you always have the ability to grow.

    The healthiest mindset is a middle ground: valuing yourself and respecting other people. You can build up yourself and build up others, too. It’s easier said than done, but with good friends and maybe some therapy, you can get there. If you’re interested in professional support to help you find that balance, drop me a line.

  • How to Treat a Lack of Self-Confidence

    How to Treat a Lack of Self-Confidence

    If you struggle to stand up for yourself, try new things or make decisions on your own, you might lack self-confidence. Low self-confidence can hinder you from living a full life and connecting with other people. It can exacerbate anxiety, depression and other mental health issues. But people improve their self-confidence every day, and you can, too.

    1. Identify when your lack of self-confidence appears

    Self-confidence is different from self-esteem. As ADD.org puts it, “Self-confidence is a person’s attitude about their capabilities and skills. A person with good self-confidence feels like they have control over their lives. Self-esteem is how a person perceives their own value and self-worth. A person with high self-esteem is open to different ideas and comfortable socially.”

    If you have low self-esteem, your general view of yourself is negative. Low self-esteem follows you throughout your day. But confidence can vary depending on where you are, or what you’re doing.

    For instance, I’m confident when I’m providing psychotherapy. I’ve treated many clients and know what to expect. But if you entered me in a karaoke contest, I’d be very un-confident! I have no idea how to sing. You can probably think of some activities you feel more or less confident at, too.

    You might also be dealing with a lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem. Check out my other articles for more tips on treating self-esteem issues.

    Knowing when you’re confident and un-confident is useful. You might discover that you feel more confident around certain people – these are relationships to keep! Or you might lean into your strengths instead of pushing yourself to fit into a mold. It’s also reassuring to remember you are good at some things, which leads into my next point…

    2. Give yourself more credit!

    Don’t just focus on the things you struggle with. You must have been doing something right in order to get through life so far. Think about your interests, things you’re good at, things that other people say they like about you. To build self-confidence, you have to acknowledge your positive qualities.

    I often recommend that people write down a couple of things they have accomplished each day. Even if it’s as small as doing laundry or remembering to eat lunch, if it’s an accomplishment for you, it counts. This helps your brain get better at saying, “I did it! I can do things,” instead of “I’m no good, I can’t do it.” By writing it down, you also develop a tangible record of accomplishments, which you can use to counter your negative thoughts when you need a boost.

    3. What’s the worst that could happen?

    If you lack self-confidence, your brain is probably good at thinking of what could go wrong. Maybe other people will judge you. Maybe you’ll hurt someone’s feelings. You could lose your job, or fail a class, or a hundred other things.

    But if the worst did happen, what could you do to cope with it?

    Turn your worried thoughts in a more constructive direction, and create a back-up plan for if things do go wrong. Some questions I like to ask myself are:

    • Is this actually going to hurt me, or just feel uncomfortable for a while?
    • Have I ever been in a situation like this before? How did I get through it?
    • Are there programs or services I could use to help recover from this?
    • Who could I turn to for support?
    • What could my back-up plan look like?

    It’s much easier to feel confident when you know that your life will keep going even if you screw up, and you have a plan for what to do.

    Bonus tip: Practice anyway, despite your lack of self-confidence

    Low self-confidence takes a long time to overcome. Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t fix itself in a week, or a month. You will have to push yourself sometimes to do things that you’re uncomfortable with. Most of your self-confidence in an activity will come after you’ve done the activity several times and know what to expect.

    Many people can improve their confidence on their own, especially if their low self-confidence only pops up for minor, occasional things (like me not knowing how to sing). But sometimes people want more support. Perhaps you’re also dealing with anxiety, depression, or other mental illnesses, or maybe you want personal assistance for your situation. If you’re interested in counseling to help support your journey, drop me a line.

  • 5 Ways to Improve Self-Esteem

    5 Ways to Improve Self-Esteem

    Self-esteem seems simple, but millions of people struggle with it. Low self-esteem increases your risk of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and other mental illnesses. It makes you more vulnerable to toxic relationships. But there are ways you can improve your self-esteem, and strengthen both your relationships and mental health.

    1. Find things you like about yourself.

    The simplest way to improve your self-esteem is to find your good qualities. What are you good at? What are your strengths? Do other people tell you you’re kind, funny, smart, or give you other compliments?

    If you’re not sure where to start, try looking at a list of strengths and examining which ones might fit you. You’ll probably notice some good qualities you hadn’t even considered applying to yourself, like tactful, inquisitive, or genuine. For bonus points, try thinking of situations where you’ve used those strengths, to reinforce them in your brain.

    I recommend trying to think of one or two good qualities each day when you’re starting out. The more you practice, the easier it will be for your brain to notice these strengths, which will increase your self-esteem.

    2. Accept compliments gracefully.

    When someone tells you you’re awesome, do you disagree? When they say you did a great job, do you say, “It wasn’t that special”? This can lower your self-esteem if you do it often. It builds a habit of your brain minimizing your strengths.

    Instead, try saying, “Thank you! I really appreciate that.” If you feel uncomfortable, you can follow it with complimenting the other person. This takes attention off of you and helps the other person feel valued, too.

    Accepting compliments may feel awkward at first. You might worry about sounding arrogant. But most people give compliments to show appreciation and try to make you feel good, so they will be happy their compliment has been accepted.

    3. Avoid putting yourself down.

    Many of my clients say, “I’m being lazy,” “I’m a terrible person,” or “I’m not that smart.” Even people who are smart, kind and hard-working tell me this. The problem is, if you keep telling yourself you’re bad, you’ll start to believe it.

    Instead, describe the emotion you’re feeling: “I feel worried about my productivity.” “I feel guilty for what I did.” “I feel sad because I want my grades to be higher.” Often, we mistake feeling bad for being bad. But emotions are temporary, not an unchangeable part of who you are. The fact that you’re feeling bad is a sign you’re capable of reflecting on your life, and learning from it. It means you can grow.

    4. Write down your accomplishments.

    I like to tell my clients to write down one thing they have accomplished each day. Even small things count, like “I managed to brush my hair,” or “I made my sister smile.” If it’s an accomplishment for them, if it took any effort at all, it counts. By the end of the week they have a whole list of reasons to be proud. You can do this, too!

    Writing positive things is one of the best ways to improve self-esteem because it makes your brain focus harder on the thought, and when you see it written in front of you, it feels more real.

    Make sure to write down your accomplishments after you’ve done them, by the way. If you write something you’re planning to do in advance it can feel like added pressure and stress.

    5. Even your friends can be a way to improve self-esteem!

    A lot of our self-esteem is learned from how other people treat us. If others treat you like you don’t matter, it can be hard to believe you do.

    Look for friends, family and coworkers who treat you with respect. Who pays attention to you when you talk, who hears out your opinions, who makes time for you in their day? If you usually walk away from a conversation with someone feeling better, that’s a good sign to spend more time with them. If the conversation ends and you usually feel frustrated, embarrassed or self-conscious, they may not be good for your self-esteem.

    Other ways to improve self-esteem

    Low self-esteem is one of the most common issues I treat in therapy. Many tools have been developed to help people with this, including assertiveness skills, boundary-setting, self-compassion, and exploring your personal values. Cognitive-behavior therapy can also be adapted to focus on self-esteem. It’s okay if you don’t know where to start: there’s enough overlap that you’ll probably find something useful with any of those subjects.

    Self-help books, podcasts and other media have been created to help people with low self-esteem. You may also find a therapist useful for help personally tailored to your needs, and to get support in your self-esteem journey. If you are interested in starting sessions, or are curious about what it may look like, drop me a line!

  • How to Help Someone with Low Self-esteem

    How to Help Someone with Low Self-esteem

    You probably know people with low self-esteem. It can be frustrating and sad to see someone you care about struggle in how they see themselves, and you might wish you could fix their self-esteem for them. But you can be a voice of support that helps them keep going. So, here are five ways you can help someone with low self-esteem!

    1. Treat them like they matter.

    As children, we learn that we are important, and that our feelings are important, based on how adults react to us. If our feelings or needs are ignored, we may start to think they don’t matter, that we don’t matter. Even as adults we still need that validation from others sometimes.

    So, one way you can help someone with low self-esteem is by acting like they’re important to you. Make time for them. Show interest in their life. Celebrate what makes them happy and listen if they need to vent. It sounds simple, but it can have a profound effect.

    2. Point out their strengths.

    People with low self-esteem tend to have brains that are very good at noticing their flaws, but not so good at noticing their strengths. Over time, this adds up to a lot of negative information that becomes a poor self-image. You can help counter this by reminding them of things they have done right, things they are good at, and other traits that you appreciate about them.

    3. Don’t encourage self-deprecation.

    Many people with low self-esteem make disparaging comments about themselves. Sometimes it’s presented as a joke: “Ha ha, I’m such an idiot.” Not all self-deprecation is bad, but if you think your friend has low self-esteem and they make a lot of these comments, self-deprecation might make their negative feelings worse.

    So, you can help someone with low self-esteem by disagreeing: “No, you’re not an idiot. Anyone could make that mistake.” Or you could tell them those comments make you concerned: “Hey, when you say stuff like that, do you really mean it? Because it seems like a mean thing to say about yourself.”

    Thank them for taking care of themselves.

    When a person with low self-esteem does treat themselves well, ask for what they want, or set a boundary, praise them for it. Taking care of yourself helps you believe you’re a person who’s worth taking care of, and positive feedback encourages that. This can feel odd at first, so here are some examples:

    “Thanks for telling me you weren’t comfortable doing that activity. I’m glad I didn’t put you in a bad situation.”

    “It’s awesome you finally took a day off. You deserve some chill time.”

    “Nice job speaking up back there – it’s good to hear what you wanted, too.”

    And the final way to help someone with low self-esteem is…trust in them.

    One of the trickiest, but most important things you can do is to stop helping, and trust that they can handle challenges themselves. More precisely, stop doing things for them that the person could do for themselves. This goes double if they’re an adult who should be able to express what they want and solve problems on their own.

    This can be hard! You may want to step in and take their problems away, and they may struggle for a while. But people build confidence through the experience of doing things for themselves. They learn that they can get through the struggle without getting crushed by it.

    Think of it like ordering food at a restaurant. Instead of ordering for the person, you tell them, “You can do it!” and high-five them when they order for themselves. You aren’t abandoning them, you’re building them up so they can do it on their own.

    Helping someone with low self-esteem can take a long time, and they may need more help than you can give them on your own. If you think your loved one would benefit from professional support, encourage them to reach out to a therapist. Psychology Today and Good Therapy are great places to start, and I see clients virtually as well.