Shaded Bough Counseling

Category: Uncategorized

  • How to Know If You Have Anger Issues

    How to Know If You Have Anger Issues

    If you’ve been feeling angrier these last few years, you aren’t alone. From the spats on social media to the highest political offices, everyone has something that ticks them off, and it’s often for a good reason. But anger that burns too hot or too often can wear you out and rip up your relationships, so how do you know when it’s a problem? Read on to figure out if you have anger issues – and what you can do about them.

    What are “Anger Issues”?

    Anger is a natural part of you. It’s there to tell you when something unfair is happening, or your boundaries or needs are being ignored. Feeling angry does not mean you have an anger issue. Instead, it’s how you act on your anger that’s healthy or unhealthy.

    When you handle your anger in a healthy way…

    • You feel motivated to tackle your problems.
    • Your own needs and values become clearer.
    • You get better at protecting your boundaries and standing up for yourself.
    • You can better gauge when something is wrong or unfair.
    • It’s easier to treat yourself and other people with fairness and respect.

    But when anger is handled in an unhealthy way…

    • It damages your relationships with other people.
    • It doesn’t help you solve problems – and might cause new ones.
    • You have more feelings of stress, exhaustion, sadness, guilt or hopelessness.
    • You feel unhappier with yourself or more depressed about life.

    Look at the role that anger plays in your life. Does it help you deal with problems, or make things harder? Do you feel good about how you handle frustrating situations, or would you rather act differently?

    It’s also useful to ask people you trust whether they think you have issues managing your anger. Some of my clients worry that they’re “too angry” only to discover that everyone else thinks they’re too passive. Other clients believe that they’re just being honest, or “keeping it real,” but accidentally come across as aggressive.

    What Do Anger Issues Look Like?

    Unhealthy anger can look like many things. Not all of these may apply to you, but if one of them does, it’s worth exploring further.

    • Angry outbursts – Yelling, throwing things, violence, losing your temper, feeling like you’ve lost control.
    • Passive-aggressiveness – An indirect way to express anger without actually talking about it. Passive-aggressiveness is often coupled with feeling resentful or like you aren’t able to express yourself openly. However, since the cause of the anger isn’t being addressed, it’s still there to cause tension for you and others.
    • Putting people down – Insults, sarcasm, giving others the cold shoulder, or otherwise disrespecting them.
    • Fights and hurtful arguments – Disagreement is normal, even in the best relationships. Friendly or not-serious arguments are common, too. But regular arguments that feel hurtful, disrespectful, or which have angry outbursts indicate a problem.
    • Anger addiction – Oddly enough, anger can be habit-forming. If you spend a lot of time with people, news, or media that make you feel angry, self-righteous or upset, it’s worth reconsidering whether that’s having a good impact on your mental health.
    • Reckless behavior – Getting into fights, injuring yourself, getting blackout drunk, or putting yourself in harm’s way. This can be a way to “blow off steam” for a while but it comes at a high risk, and doesn’t solve the problem that angered you.
    • Substance abuse – Many people use alcohol or other drugs to cope with feelings of anger. But regularly doing this can raise your risk of addiction, and it still leaves you with the problem that caused the anger in the first place.

    Improving Your Anger Management

    The good news is that you can turn your anger into a force for good. You do not have to reject the part of yourself that gets angry; in fact, I think you should listen to it. By understanding where your anger comes from, and what it’s trying to tell you, you can better tackle the real problems in your life and even grow as a person.

    I’ll be adding a more in-depth post on this next week, but for now, here is the most critical anger skill I’ve found. It’s been useful in my own life, and I recommend it to all of my therapy clients with anger issues. This skill is to wait.

    Anger makes you think you have to react immediately. But few things in life need your immediate reaction. If you see an awful post on the internet, or someone you know upsets you, ask yourself: Do I have to respond to this right now? Can I afford to step away and come back to the problem later?

    You don’t have to “bottle up” your feelings or “give in.” Just pause the issue for a while. I suggest at least 30 minutes, or a full day if you have the time. Use that time to stomp away, complain to a friend, write your thoughts down, throw rocks in your backyard, or whatever helps you safely work things through in your head. Then, if you decide it’s worth dealing with after all, you’ll be able to do so more effectively.

    Putting a pause on anger can be hard, but my clients report that it’s always useful when they manage it. And there are skills you can practice to make it easier. If you’re interested in exploring therapy to better handle your anger, drop me a line – or stay tuned for my next post about it!

  • The 5 Skills That Taught Me How to Make Small Talk

    The 5 Skills That Taught Me How to Make Small Talk

    For many people, the hardest part of making new friends is getting through “small talk.” It can feel boring, awkward, frustrating, or even exhausting. Lack of confidence in small talk can perpetuate anxiety and loneliness by discouraging you from connecting with people. So, as an introvert who struggled with this myself, here are my best tricks for how to make small talk work for you!

    1. Understand how making small talk can help you.

    My clients who struggle with small talk often tell me they find it pointless or boring. They’d rather talk about more personal, interesting topics. And that’s natural! But small talk does have a point, one that people rarely put into words. If you know it, you’ll probably find small talk much less frustrating:

    The real purpose of small talk isn’t the content of what you’re talking about, but to demonstrate that you’re friendly and nonthreatening.

    Before people talk to you, they don’t know whether you’re a nice person or a jerk. They’re likely to be a little hesitant because you’re a stranger. Small talk is one way you can show them that you’re playing by the rules of social customs, putting them at ease. The actual subject isn’t as important as seeing that the other person is reasonable and pleasant.

    This is good news! It means that you don’t have to be a great conversationalist. You just need to seem like a polite person who won’t push at others’ boundaries or insult them. Now, as for how you do that…

    2. Open with an observation.

    There are many ways to start small talk, but my favorite is to comment on something you and your listener can both observe. Some examples are:

    • Beautiful day, isn’t it?
    • There sure are a lot of people walking dogs today.
    • Is it just me, or is this bus always late?
    • I like your jacket/purse/hairstyle/etc. Where did you get it?
    • It’s neat to look at how people decorate their yards for the holidays.

    By remarking on something you’re both aware of – perhaps directly in front of you – you don’t have to worry about getting too personal. You might be able to build rapport through a shared experience (like waiting for the same bus), or by complimenting someone. If you use compliments, commenting on something people choose (like accessories) or have done (like giving a speech at a meeting) tends to be better received than if you comment on their physical features.

    3. Have a go-to topic.

    A go-to topic is something most people can participate in or have opinions on, and which is unlikely to offend them or feel too personal. Keep a few of these subjects in mind and ask people about their experiences.

    Here are my favorite go-to’s for making small talk:

    • Do you have any pets? What are their names? What are their personalities like?
    • How do you like spending your free time?
    • Any good books/shows/podcasts you’ve been into lately? What are they about?
    • What brings you to [town]?

    4. Show interest.

    Most people love talking about things they’re interested in. They love it even more if you show interest in the thing, too. It makes the conversation more fun for them and they feel appreciated.

    This can be tricky if you are not actually interested in the same thing. If you feel bored by the other person’s chatter, you might think you’re doing small talk “wrong” or think that you’re not suited to being friends. At this point, I suggest focusing on curiosity about the other person, and what their experience means to them. For instance:

    • Amelia wants to talk about her favorite anime series. I don’t watch that anime, but it’s important to Amelia. So I ask her: “What do you find appealing about this show? What parts of it resonate with you?”
    • Liu loves football. I don’t care about football, but I do care about Liu. So when he’s gushing about how well his favorite team did, I say, “That’s awesome! I’m glad your team won. What’s next for them?” The point isn’t to fake being interested, but to give Liu a chance to talk about something he loves.
    • Shana has been swamped with work and is venting about her boss. I respond, “Man, that sounds so frustrating. They’re really dumping everything on you.”

    When in doubt, reflect. That is, paraphrase or summarize what the other person is saying. This tells the other person that you’re paying attention and helps them feel like they’re being heard. You can also reflect the emotions another person is showing, like worry, frustration, happiness, and so on: “You’re really excited for that…” “That seems exhausting to deal with…”

    Reflection is my favorite small talk skill because you don’t have to come up with clever things of your own. You can just paraphrase whatever the other person is saying, and it usually encourages them to say even more. They’ll carry most of the conversation for you, and appreciate you for listening to them.

    5. Know when to back off

    Part of what makes small talk “awkward” is that you don’t know the other person well enough to know where their boundaries are. If you worry about accidentally being rude, “weird” or making others uncomfortable, it’s probably because you aren’t sure how to gauge when you’re overstepping. By knowing how to read other people’s “No” signals, you’ll not only be respectful of others, but relieve your own nerves, too.

    Keep an eye out for:

    • The person turns away from you.
    • They give you shorter or more monotone responses.
    • They give vague, evasive answers.
    • Their face becomes less animated than before.
    • They start checking their phone or get more involved in another activity.
    • The person says they are busy, or would rather talk later.
    • The other person crosses their arms, frowns more, steps away or physically withdraws from you.
    • They suddenly change the subject or go silent.
    • You get the feeling that they’re “checking out of” the discussion, or it feels hard to engage them.
    • They tell you they’re uncomfortable or ask you to stop.

    Getting these signals doesn’t necessarily mean you did something wrong. People might disengage from small talk because they’re tired, preoccupied, anxious, or need to emotionally recharge. Or they might be autistic, and show interest differently than other people do. If you’re not sure whether someone wants to talk, it’s okay to ask, “Would you rather have some time to yourself?” to clarify.

    Don’t blame yourself if someone doesn’t want to talk. It’s usually not a reflection of you, and most people won’t be upset as long as you respect their boundaries when they ask for it.

    Bonus tip: The more you make small talk, the easier it gets.

    Making small talk is hard for many of us. I didn’t feel comfortable with it until my 20’s, when work forced me to interact with more and more people. But I did find that with practice, conversations that felt stiff or exhausting slowly became more comfortable. My social anxiety decreased and it became easier to make friends. I believe you can do this, too.

    Small talk and other social skills are some of the most common challenges I assist people with in therapy. If you’re interested in more detailed, one-on-one support for your own growth, drop me a line!

  • How to Treat a Lack of Self-Confidence

    How to Treat a Lack of Self-Confidence

    If you struggle to stand up for yourself, try new things or make decisions on your own, you might lack self-confidence. Low self-confidence can hinder you from living a full life and connecting with other people. It can exacerbate anxiety, depression and other mental health issues. But people improve their self-confidence every day, and you can, too.

    1. Identify when your lack of self-confidence appears

    Self-confidence is different from self-esteem. As ADD.org puts it, “Self-confidence is a person’s attitude about their capabilities and skills. A person with good self-confidence feels like they have control over their lives. Self-esteem is how a person perceives their own value and self-worth. A person with high self-esteem is open to different ideas and comfortable socially.”

    If you have low self-esteem, your general view of yourself is negative. Low self-esteem follows you throughout your day. But confidence can vary depending on where you are, or what you’re doing.

    For instance, I’m confident when I’m providing psychotherapy. I’ve treated many clients and know what to expect. But if you entered me in a karaoke contest, I’d be very un-confident! I have no idea how to sing. You can probably think of some activities you feel more or less confident at, too.

    You might also be dealing with a lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem. Check out my other articles for more tips on treating self-esteem issues.

    Knowing when you’re confident and un-confident is useful. You might discover that you feel more confident around certain people – these are relationships to keep! Or you might lean into your strengths instead of pushing yourself to fit into a mold. It’s also reassuring to remember you are good at some things, which leads into my next point…

    2. Give yourself more credit!

    Don’t just focus on the things you struggle with. You must have been doing something right in order to get through life so far. Think about your interests, things you’re good at, things that other people say they like about you. To build self-confidence, you have to acknowledge your positive qualities.

    I often recommend that people write down a couple of things they have accomplished each day. Even if it’s as small as doing laundry or remembering to eat lunch, if it’s an accomplishment for you, it counts. This helps your brain get better at saying, “I did it! I can do things,” instead of “I’m no good, I can’t do it.” By writing it down, you also develop a tangible record of accomplishments, which you can use to counter your negative thoughts when you need a boost.

    3. What’s the worst that could happen?

    If you lack self-confidence, your brain is probably good at thinking of what could go wrong. Maybe other people will judge you. Maybe you’ll hurt someone’s feelings. You could lose your job, or fail a class, or a hundred other things.

    But if the worst did happen, what could you do to cope with it?

    Turn your worried thoughts in a more constructive direction, and create a back-up plan for if things do go wrong. Some questions I like to ask myself are:

    • Is this actually going to hurt me, or just feel uncomfortable for a while?
    • Have I ever been in a situation like this before? How did I get through it?
    • Are there programs or services I could use to help recover from this?
    • Who could I turn to for support?
    • What could my back-up plan look like?

    It’s much easier to feel confident when you know that your life will keep going even if you screw up, and you have a plan for what to do.

    Bonus tip: Practice anyway, despite your lack of self-confidence

    Low self-confidence takes a long time to overcome. Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t fix itself in a week, or a month. You will have to push yourself sometimes to do things that you’re uncomfortable with. Most of your self-confidence in an activity will come after you’ve done the activity several times and know what to expect.

    Many people can improve their confidence on their own, especially if their low self-confidence only pops up for minor, occasional things (like me not knowing how to sing). But sometimes people want more support. Perhaps you’re also dealing with anxiety, depression, or other mental illnesses, or maybe you want personal assistance for your situation. If you’re interested in counseling to help support your journey, drop me a line.

  • 5 Skills for Financial Stress Management

    5 Skills for Financial Stress Management

    Previously we’ve explored what financial stress is and how it can affect you. Now let’s learn what you can do about it. By developing your financial stress management skills, you can improve your mental and financial health.

    1. Ask for help.

    You need help. I needed help, too. It can be really hard to ask, since our culture just assumes adults know how to manage money, and being broke or in debt is often seen as a personal failing. But nobody is born knowing how to do this, and if the super-rich people out there can get help, you deserve it, too.

    “Help” can look like several things:

    • You may need money or assistance programs to help pay your bills. (FindHelp.org is a great place to start!)
    • You might need information so you can figure out what financial options are best for you.
    • You may need training in how to create a budget, use a credit card responsibly, or other skills.
    • Maybe you even need emotional support for all the stress that thinking about this brings up!

    Whatever you need, I suggest you first reach out to a friend, relative or partner you trust. Preferably someone who seems to have their finances in good shape. Tell them you’re stressed out about money and want to get to a better spot. Ask this person to help you figure out what to do.

    If you don’t have anyone, churches and community services can usually point you towards someone who can help. The online community /r/personalfinance is a great place to ask questions and get ideas, too.

    2. Build your money skills.

    Financial literacy is your ability to understand and make financial decisions effectively. People with high financial literacy are “good with money.” They’re also less stressed about money, even if they go into debt, because they know how to get back out of it.

    Here are some great places to improve your financial literacy:

    • That same friend or relative who seems to have their finances sorted out. Ask them how they did it. Do they use a budget? Do they use credit cards? How do they decide what to buy and what to save?
    • /r/personalfinance. Not only can you ask questions, but they also have a wiki with answers to common issues, and a flowchart that helps sort your goals into concrete steps.
    • YouTube! When I was new and clueless, I searched for “personal finance 101” and listened to videos while working out and doing chores. Avoid anyone who’s trying to sell you something or says you can get rich easily.
    • Investopedia’s personal finance section! This is like the Wikipedia of money, and they won’t try to sell you things you don’t need.

    3. Take breaks when you get overwhelmed.

    Okay, that is a lot of info in those resources I linked. My brain got fried when I first tried learning this stuff, but then, I was starting with very little know-how. I had to pull myself away from the computer, focus on other people and hobbies, and take breaks. A lot.

    If your finances are screwy, you won’t fix them in a week, or a month. You certainly won’t fix them by wearing yourself out with anxiety or sleep deprivation. But you will fix them if you learn a little bit at a time, and make a few changes at a time, and keep going for as many months or years it takes. Financial stress management means pacing yourself.

    4. Tackle one goal at a time.

    Taxes and budgets and loans, oh my! There are too many things demanding your money, and not enough to fill them all yet. But just as importantly, you only have so much time and energy. Pick one thing you can work towards first. The Personal Finance flowchart is a good starting point.

    You may be tempted to try to learn everything so you can make the best possible series of decisions. But if this leads to never actually making a decision, it can be a problem in itself. Some people overanalyze because they’re anxious or afraid of commitment. For others, it’s a way to procrastinate.

    You will make mistakes. Sometimes expensive ones. But if you’re not gambling or taking huge risks in the stock market, you probably won’t make your situation worse. You’ll have time later to adjust course. Just do what you can with what you’ve got right now.

    5. Mental health management = financial stress management

    Mental health can make financial stress management much tougher. Some mental health issues that get in the way are anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, compulsive shopping, gambling addiction, and substance use problems. Divorce, bereavement, homelessness, and poverty can also seriously affect your health and finances at the same time.

    Tell your friends and family if any of the above are happening to you. Like finances, it’s much easier to recover when you’ve got people in your corner. Check out support groups and mental health services in your area, using a directory like FindHelp.org or by calling 211. I also help clients work through anxiety and stress related to finances, and have a limited number of sliding-scale appointments for people in need. Contact me if you’re interested.

    I hope this article has been helpful for you! Financial stress is one of the world’s biggest causes of anxiety, but just by reading this, you’ve already taken a step toward positive changes. Good luck!

  • What are the Effects of Financial Stress?

    What are the Effects of Financial Stress?

    Last week I talked about what financial stress is. Today we’ll explore the effects on financial stress on families, relationships and mental health. It can happen to people of any income, old or young, even the smartest of us. But no matter your situation, know that you’re not alone.

    Poverty can be traumatic.

    Poverty is unpredictable, exhausting, and frequently treated as shameful. It’s a “chronic stressor,” so even when you aren’t being harassed by bill collectors and you do have food on the table, you never really feel secure. Poverty increases a person’s risk of physical and mental illness, and makes it harder to get healthcare.

    Many of my clients who grew up in poverty report that they still worry about money, even if they’re now financially secure. Others feel guilty about spending money, even on things that make them happy or healthier. It’s difficult to talk about, especially if most of your friends or family haven’t been there, so this kind of trauma can be very isolating.

    The effects of financial stress are generational.

    Most of us learn how to think about money by watching our parents. If your parents worried about how they’d pay the bills, you may worry the same way. Children who notice their parents’ financial stress often avoid asking for things because they don’t want to be a burden on their parents.

    This problem gets bigger if your family has low “financial literacy.” That’s the ability to understand and use money to achieve your goals. Low financial literacy doesn’t mean someone’s unintelligent. It just means they haven’t had the chance to learn these skills. You may have a harder time with money if your family wasn’t able to teach it to you. But just like other learned habits, this is something you can improve.

    Financial anxiety

    Although financial stress hits low-income people the hardest, it can affect people of all social classes. In particular, anxiety often manifests through how we handle our money. Money represents different things to different people: freedom, security, hope, despair, social acceptance, guilt, self-worth, and more.

    Think about what money represents to you. Is it something to save up in case of emergency? Is it a little bit of breathing room, a relief? What do you feel okay about purchasing, and what makes you feel guilty or irritated? How much time do you want to spend thinking about money, and how will you know when you have enough? What will you do if you have enough?

    These questions get complicated quickly. My clients find that discussing it in therapy helps them figure out their core values, and to overcome their deeper fears. It’s hard work, but rewarding.

    Relationship tension

    Another form of financial stress happens when two people in a family have different ideas of how money should be used. Perhaps one spouse thinks they should be more careful with what they spend. But their partner thinks they both need a better quality of life. Maybe a parent wants an adult child to start paying rent while at home – or a child is tired of bailing their parent out of debt.

    With “money” as one of the top reasons couples split up, it’s worth talking to your partner early on about how they view money, and what kind of lifestyle they want. Explore what money represents for each of you. Often, disagreements over money stem from deeper worries or needs.

    Effects of financial stress on mental illness

    One of the toughest effects of financial stress is that it makes every other problem in your life harder. It’s harder to afford doctor visits, medication or therapy if money is tight. Even if you logically know you have “enough,” money can become another reason for your brain to worry excessively. It may also exacerbate feelings of shame, guilt, low self-worth, or feeling “unproductive.” People with addictions often struggle with financial stress, too – and the financial stress can make addiction worse.

    If you need therapy but money is tight, check out FindHelp.org or Open Path Collective. It’s better to start looking early than to wait until you’re overwhelmed, because many low-cost providers have waitlists. I also counsel clients for financial stress, and have a limited number of sliding-scale appointments for people in need. Contact me if you’re interested, or check out my next article on ways to manage your financial stress!

  • What is Financial Stress?

    What is Financial Stress?

    With rising interest rates, inflation, and fears of a recession just around the corner, most Americans are dealing with a lot more financial stress. The best defense is to be prepared. Learn what financial stress is, how it affects you, and what you can do about it.

    Stressing about money – and so much more

    Financial stress occurs any time you find yourself worrying about money, the ability to pay for things, to reach your financial goals or maintain your lifestyle. It can mean worrying about whether you’ll be able to retire, raise children, get out of debt, pay for college, or more.

    Financial stress is not the same as being greedy or materialistic. Most clients I work with face financial stress because they want security, not wealth or high status. They just want to be able to enjoy their life without fearing it will be snatched away from them by bills and debt. In one of the richest countries in the world, that’s not an unreasonable ask!

    What is financial stress from a situation?

    I find it useful to distinguish whether financial stress comes from within yourself, or from the situation you’re in. This helps you identify what you need to do to address it.

    Your situation might give you financial distress if you are in poverty, live paycheck to paycheck, have irregular income throughout the year, lose your job, have a lot of debt, or encounter a disaster or sudden massive bill. The underlying question here is: How will I afford the things I need? The solution to this kind of stress has to address the situation: organizations like FindHelp.org to reduce your bills and get social support, unemployment benefits if you’re laid off, and SNAP and Medicaid to get food and medical assistance.

    However, assistance programs in the USA still have many gaps, and it’s extremely difficult for many people to get out of poverty or debt. We need institutional reform such as a single-payer healthcare system to ensure that people at all income levels can survive. But that’s another topic – let’s focus on what you can do, as an individual.

    What is financial stress from within?

    The other kind of financial stress can happen even if there is no obvious problem to cause it. You may be able to pay your bills, and see no reason why that would change, but you still worry. You might feel privileged, and like you shouldn’t complain because others have it harder, but you still feel guilty about spending money on “unnecessary” things or wonder if you need more.

    This kind of financial stress is less dramatic, but still a real fear many people struggle with. You might have grown up without much money, and worry about going back to that state. Maybe nobody taught you how to manage money effectively. Or perhaps you struggle to gauge how much you have and how much you need. If you suffer from anxiety, or general worries about your future, those often manifest as financial stress, too.

    What you can do

    My specialty is mental health, so that’s what I’ll be focusing on. For more assistance with external money issues, I recommend FindHelp.org – it’s a great directory for free and low-cost services ranging from elder care to groceries to job training, and more. They have a section for low-cost mental healthcare, too!

    I’ll be writing two more posts in this series, one on the effects of financial stress, and another for how to cope with it. For now, the most important things to know are that you are not alone, and you have a right to feel this way. Just because someone else might “have it worse” doesn’t make your stress or anxiety less real. You are not being silly or selfish by wanting to take care of yourself financially, or by not giving money to everyone in need of help.

    The most helpful thing, for me, was not trying to figure everything out alone. I had to reach out to relatives who understood money better than I did, and who were willing to teach me. Look for a friend, relative, or local class that can help you, too. (The library is a great place to ask!) Most people will not look down on you for trying to get to a better place. And if you want more intensive support – especially for handling stress, relationship, or anxiety issues at the same time – don’t hesitate to reach out for therapy.

  • Do I Need a Therapist or Psychiatrist: How to Decide

    Do I Need a Therapist or Psychiatrist: How to Decide

    Mental health services are more widely available than ever, but with that comes the question of figuring out what service is right for you. Who prescribes medication? Who can teach you coping skills? So here’s a simple explanation to help you find the right therapist or psychiatrist for you.

    What’s the difference between seeing a therapist or psychiatrist?

    Psychotherapy or counseling usually means “talk therapy.” You sit in a room with the therapist, talk about your problems, and come up with solutions together. There are variations like art therapy, play therapy, group therapy and even adventure therapy. Therapists help you build a stronger relationship with yourself and other people in your life.

    You can think of “therapist” as an umbrella term with several types:

    • Professional counselors are pretty much what most people think of as “talk therapy.” This is what I am, hello!
    • Marriage and family therapists specialize in working with couples and families.
    • Clinical psychologists have doctoral-level knowledge and sometimes work as therapists, sometimes work in institutions or community agencies.
    • Social workers may also do counseling work, may be case managers or involved in other social services.
    • Depending on where you live, there may be a lot of overlap in what these professions do. In Texas, where I work, all of these professions can diagnose and treat mental illnesses. It’s also common for one person to hold multiple licenses.

    Psychiatry is a special case! Psychiatrists are physicians (MD) who can prescribe medication for mental health. Most professionals in the previous group are not trained to prescribe medication. Appointments with psychiatrists are often shorter, more focused on symptoms and medication management, and may feel more like doctor appointments. Because, well, they are doctors. Psychiatrists can also prescribe behavioral treatments like exercise, journaling and coping skills if they choose.

    These are generalizations. Some psychiatrists are also psychologists or therapists. Psychologists with PsyD degrees can prescribe medication in certain states. When in doubt, ask the provider what working with them would look like.

    Many people get best results from working with a therapist and psychiatrist, to ensure all sides of their recovery are addressed.

    Try reaching out to a therapist if:

    • You want to get support weekly or biweekly.
    • You want plenty of time per session to explore your problems.
    • You are more interested in talk therapy, changing your behaviors, or developing coping skills than in medication.
    • You want to try couples therapy, group therapy, or another treatment psychiatrists usually don’t cover.

    Key words to look for: clinical psychologist (PhD, PsyD), LPC, LCSW, LMFT, LMHC, LCDC.

    Try a psychiatrist if:

    • You want to try psychiatric medication.
    • You want to better understand what’s going on with your brain chemistry.
    • You’re already on medication, and want an expert to help you manage it.
    • Your symptoms don’t get better from talk therapy or behavioral treatments alone.
    • You have an illness that usually needs medication for best results.
    • The therapist you want to see also happens to be a psychiatrist. They are out there!

    Key words to look for: Psychiatrist.

    If you can’t decide between a therapist or psychiatrist, try interviewing them.

    When in doubt, ask. I love it when my clients ask me what kind of work I do. It helps make sure that we’re a good fit before we start working together! And if we aren’t, I’m happy to refer them to a psychiatrist, or marriage and family therapist, or whoever is best qualified to treat them.

    Some useful questions to ask a therapist or psychiatrist are:

    • What license do you hold?
    • What do you specialize in?
    • How long are your sessions and how often would we meet?
    • Do you do talk therapy, medication, or other treatments?
    • If there’s a particular treatment I want (CBT, EMDR, art therapy…) can you provide it?
    • If not, can you refer me to someone who does?
    • How would we know if I’m getting better?

    I hope this helped you get a better idea of what to look for when seeking help. Don’t hesitate to contact me if you have questions, or if you’re interested in starting therapy for yourself.

  • How to Cure Art Block

    How to Cure Art Block

    Last week, we explored the most common causes of “art block,” which prevents many artists from expressing themselves and bringing their visions to life. This issue can exacerbate stress, anxiety, self-esteem issues or depression, so figuring out how to cure art block may improve your mental and emotional health. Let’s dive in with a solution for each of art block’s most common causes.

    1. Fatigue

    Whether your body is tired or your brain is, trying to create when you’re exhausted is a quick recipe for stumbling. If this feeling comes up every time you try to create art, or you find yourself dreading the artistic process, you might also be dealing with burnout. Burnout may be caused by a job or school that overworks you, or it may happen to artists who push themselves to create a lot of art in a short period of time.

    Whatever kind of fatigue you’re dealing with, the answer is rest. Give yourself permission not to make art for at least a week. If you find yourself itching to create before the week is up, great! If you’re still tired afterward, you may need more time off (especially if art caused the burnout). Or you may need to lighten your other responsibilities so your brain won’t be too fried to create.

    2. Inability to Focus

    If you can’t focus or get attached to any art ideas, it may be because of fatigue, as above. But sometimes this issue can happen on its own, as is common for people with stress, anxiety, or ADHD.

    My go-to here is to do small, brief sketches or doodles. If you want to make a bigger or more complex project, but aren’t sure if your brain can stick to it right now, try thumbnailing the image or concepts a few times. Keep it simple! If you can draw a small, easy image, you’ll get the satisfaction from finishing something, which may spark more interest from your brain. Plus, thumbnails can help you work out kinks in the art idea before you try to make it “for real.”

    If small sketches or thumbnails don’t help, try taking a break. If you can’t stop thinking about something non-art-related, try writing those thoughts down or talking them through with a friend. Your brain may need to get some exercise, sleep on it, or resolve its other preoccupations before it can dive into art.

    3. Decision Paralysis

    You’ve got the energy. You’ve got the attention span. But you can’t put pen to paper. You may be dealing with decision paralysis.

    Decision paralysis comes in two forms. First, there’s the inability to choose what to create. Fortunately, working out how to cure art block for this is pretty straightforward. You could take requests, such as in Reddit Gets Drawn, or prompts from random generators. You could revisit one of your old works and try making it again to see how your style has changed.

    If you do have ideas, but can’t decide between them, try creating an “idea document.” Here you’ll list all the ideas for things you want to create. Toss short descriptions of each idea in there as it comes to you, and set aside all of them but one for now. This can help your brain stop worrying about fear of missing that one really cool idea.

    The second type of decision paralysis artists encounter is blank page syndrome: you’ve got the idea, and can probably see it in your head, but it’s hard to get it onto the page.

    A couple different things could help here. First, collect references and inspirational material for your subject, and try tracing or copying them. Familiarizing yourself with the subject will help you put your own spin on it. Second, make thumbnails, and experiment with lots of different ways to start. Don’t worry if they look bad – they aren’t the “real” art you’re trying to make, just rough drafts.

    But blank page syndrome can be caused by something deeper…

    4. Self-criticism and Pressure

    One of the challenges of art is that it forces you to confront your own level of ability – or lack thereof. You can’t help but compare your results to what’s in your head, or to other people’s art. And for many of us, flaws in our art feel like flaws in ourselves.

    How to cure art block for this? I suggest you make bad art on purpose. Scribble all over the page. Draw wonky perspective or mismatched eyes. Then do it again, and again – an ugly doodle every day for a week, if you can.

    The point of this is to show the fearful part of your brain that it’s okay to mess up, because you’ll always have another chance. It will also teach your brain that you can still create art even while feeling intimidated or anxious. You might even like some of the results.

    The second thing I’ve found helpful for most people is to compare your work to your previous works, not to other people. It doesn’t matter if your skill isn’t where you want to be yet. As long as it’s getting better over time, it will eventually get there. Remember that every creator you admire started off as a novice like you, and took a long time to get skilled, too.

    5. How to cure art block when you have mental health issues?

    The hard truth is, art block is sometimes caused by things you can’t fix with a single blog post like this one. Self-criticism may come from low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression. Lack of focus may come from ADHD or other disorders. I don’t want to alarm you – usually art block isn’t something to seriously worry about. But if you’ve been struggling with your mental health, it’s very likely to interfere with your art.

    The good news is that there are more resources for recovery than ever before. Art classes can be a great way to build your confidence and find support, and you can also find meetup groups and forums for artists. For a mental health focus, you can look into support groups, group counseling, or working with a therapist. Drop me a line if you have questions about ways to find support or are interested in starting therapy.

  • What Causes Art Block?

    What Causes Art Block?

    If you’re an artist, or even just like doodling sometimes, you’ve probably encountered “art block.” It’s like writer’s block, but for artists, and can be just as frustrating. It’s especially tough because for many of us, art is how we express our feelings, build confidence, and cope with stress. But there’s good news: we can figure out what causes art block by locating the steps in the process where people get stuck.

    1. You can’t think of any ideas.

    This one is actually less common than #2. Most people can think of something to make, even if just by looking around the room and drawing what they see. This is for when your brain can’t even get that far. It just feels stuck or empty.

    A few different things can cause this:

    • You’re mentally or physically tired.
    • You’re experiencing decision fatigue. This is a type of mental exhaustion that can happen if you’ve been making decisions or managing responsibilities all day. Decision fatigue makes it hard to make all the micro-decisions needed for creating art.
    • You’re overwhelmed by possibility. Sometimes, having a blank canvas in front of you and no limits actually makes creativity harder.
    • You’re not used to coming up with creative ideas. This one gets easier with practice.

    2. You get ideas, but can’t pick one.

    Many people who think they have #1 are actually dealing with this one. The ideas may be very plain and boring, like “Draw the coffee cup in front of me,” but those are still ideas. It could be that none of your ideas capture your attention or inspire you. Or it may happen so automatically that you don’t even notice the ideas slipping by. These things can cause it:

    • Your brain needs help focusing. This happens most often for folks with ADHD, but can also happen to anyone who is stressed out, preoccupied, or just plain tired.
    • Your brain is ruling out ideas too quickly. Many people will unconsciously do this because they don’t feel skilled enough to attempt their ideas yet, or don’t think the ideas are worth trying.
    • You’re trying to pick the perfect idea. This can lead to a lot of waiting…

    3. You can pick an idea, but can’t bring yourself to start drawing/painting.

    You know what you want to make but something is getting in the way! What is it?

    • You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Bolded because it is the most common cause of art block I see. Artists will want to make the art look just like it does in our heads, and it never does. This is closely related to fear of messing up.
    • You’re not sure how to start. As in, you literally don’t know which marks to put on the page, or in what order. This can be fixed by learning more about the thing you want to draw.
    • Attention difficulties. This includes decision fatigue and lack of focus, too.

    4. You can start drawing/painting, but it doesn’t turn out how you wanted.

    In this scenario, you can create art, but it isn’t meeting your standards. It may feel like your skills have disappeared, your hand won’t obey your brain, or errors jump out at you after you draw them.

    98% of the time, you haven’t actually “lost” any skill. It may be that you’re rushing, or forgot a specific technique, or are using bad materials. Or, like with #3, you could be too self-critical. If you create art while you’re already feeling bad about yourself, it’s common for that to influence how you see your artwork, too. Which leads us to #5…

    5. What causes art block the most? Low self-esteem.

    The biggest underlying reason why people get stuck – and the reason I’m talking about this on a mental health blog – is that many artists struggle with self-esteem. Art is very personal, and it’s hard not to see your art as a reflection of yourself.

    On the upside, this means improving your self-esteem will probably improve your art skills, too. Why? Because then your identity and self-worth won’t depend on it. It will make art more fun, less stressful, and you’ll probably get more art done. This is the core of my approach for my artistic clients in therapy. Drop me a line if it sounds like it’d be helpful for you, too.

    Now that we’ve gone over what causes art block, you have figured out where your own “sticking point” is. Or you may think, “That’s great, but I’d really like to know how to cure art block, too!” Not to worry: next time, I’ll talk about ways you can tackle each of the causes I listed today. Until then, happy art-ing!

  • How to Deal with Roommate Conflict

    How to Deal with Roommate Conflict

    A great roommate can be the best friend you ever had. A bad one can make life miserable. But most roommates will fall somewhere in the middle: regular people that sometimes you’ll have issues with. So how do you keep the molehills from becoming mountains? Let’s find out how to deal with roommate conflict, and make life simpler for both of you!

    1. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

    Your roommate may not have meant to hurt you or cause trouble. Did they know that leaving dishes in the sink would bother you, or that they weren’t supposed to eat some of your snacks? It may seem obvious to you, but it may not be obvious to them.

    Look for a non-malicious explanation of their behavior. If you can’t think of one, try asking them about it in a non-accusatory way: “I felt [emotion] when I noticed you did [problem behavior]. Did you mean to do that? I wanted to ask in case something was going on there.”

    2. Agree on expectations.

    You and your roommate may have different ideas for how to live together, how to talk to each other, and of course, how to deal with conflict. Your family raised you with one picture of “normal,” and your roommate’s family had theirs. So ask them how they expect things should work, and let them know if it’s different from yours.

    For instance, you may be annoyed that your roommate leaves the television on when no one’s watching it. You could say: “I’m used to living in a quiet house and find the TV distracting. Are you used to leaving it on?” This lets them know something is bothering you, without blaming them for it. Then you can start finding common ground.

    3. Be clear about what you need.

    Avoid being passive-aggressive or hoping they’ll get the hint. Your roommate won’t be able to do better unless they know what you need from them, and why it’s important. Here are a couple starting points that are firm but polite:

    “I feel [emotion] when [problem] happens, and I need [desired change].”

    “[Behavior] causes [problem] for me. Can we [find an alternative/stop doing it/do it in a different way]?”

    4. Consider a compromise.

    Your roommate may point out needs of their own. If they leave the television on all the time, it might be that they’re afraid of burglary and the background noise helps them feel safer. Or maybe they have ADHD, and noise helps them study. When you and your roommate have conflicting needs or desires, look for an alternative or middle ground.

    This might mean that sometimes you do things your roommate’s way, and sometimes they do it your way. It could mean they always do it your way, but you agree to do something else that helps them. Or vice-versa. There might even be a way for both of you to get your needs met: the roommate with ADHD could wear headphones, and the one with burglar anxiety could split the cost of a security system with you.

    Not everything can be a compromise. Sometimes one person is simply wrong, and won’t budge, and won’t offer anything in return.

    5. If you don’t know how to deal with roommate conflict on your own…

    Figuring out how to deal with roommate conflict is sometimes much tougher than having a calm, honest conversation. If either of you is dealing with stress, relationship issues, or mental health concerns, you may have a long road ahead. Some strategies that my clients find helpful for this are improving communication, setting boundaries, assertiveness, and taking care of their own mental health. Therapy sessions a great place to practice these skills – plus, you can use them to improve your other relationships, too. Drop me a line if you’re interested in developing these strengths for yourself!