Shaded Bough Counseling

Tag: happiness

  • How to Make A New Year’s Resolution Stick

    How to Make A New Year’s Resolution Stick

    A new year is a great time to assess where your life is, and where you want it to go. Committing to a firm goal can motivate you and help you feel progress in your life instead of being stuck or in a rut. But resolutions are also notoriously hard to stick to, so how do you make a New Year’s resolution that works for you?

    Make a New Year’s Resolution That Matters to You

    You need a “why.” What makes this goal meaningful to you? Are you doing it for yourself, for people you care about, or just because you think you’re supposed to? If you aren’t sure that this is what you want, your motivation is likely to falter.

    Let’s take exercise as an example. If your goal is to “Get in shape,” do you want to get strong? Avoid health issues or chronic pain? Feel confident in your appearance, or something else? Any of these can be valid reasons, but you need to know your reason. Then, you can remind yourself of it on days you don’t feel like working out.

    Identify your reservations, too. If you have mixed feelings about “getting fit” because you’re concerned about body-shaming in our culture, you might not work out as much as you intended. However, if your goal is to strengthen your joints, or keep up with your kids, your values will keep you going.

    So, ask yourself: what’s important to you? What would make you feel happier with your life?

    What Can You Control?

    Center your resolution on choices you make, not on external events, other people, or things you can only affect indirectly. Setting expectations for things you can’t control leads to frustration.

    For instance, you can’t control whether you get a better job. If you make that your goal, and you go through five interviews without getting an offer, you will probably feel like a failure. But you can control how many job applications you submit. You can control what your resume looks like, and you can look up common interview questions to rehearse. So if you set your goal as “Revise my resume and submit three applications each week,” you can definitely meet that.

    What physical actions can you take to get closer to your goal?

    Make It Measurable

    Have you ever wondered why computer programs show a progress bar while downloading big files? It’s because we aren’t good at waiting on things without some indication that we’re getting closer to what we want. The progress bar reassures us that things are happening, that we’re on the right track. It helps us keep going instead of giving up.

    Make your own “progress bar” by making a New Year’s resolution that you can measure. Perhaps you want to save money for a new car: how much do you want to save? How much of each paycheck can you set aside for that? If you want to save $5000 this year, and you’re paid monthly, then you could put aside $417 each month into a bank account for that purpose. Then you can see the number slowly rising each time you add to it.

    Or, suppose that you want to improve your drawing skills. How do you measure something like that? Maybe you could do quick sketches of 100 faces. Or maybe you could draw 50 types of animals, or doodle for 15 minutes a day. Look for some number you can count, and a way to record it, so you can give yourself a pat on the back for all your work later!

    Aim For Consistency, Not Intensity

    Most big changes take a long, long time. Longer than your initial burst of motivation will last. You might even have to do them forever, if it’s something like “Eat vegetables every day.” So you need to a way to sustain the work even when you aren’t motivated.

    Start with a small, simple habit you can do regularly. Same time every day, ideally. Make it as easy as possible to do and remember. Consider attaching it to another consistent habit you have – like if you want to floss more, put the floss dispenser on top of your toothbrush and always floss first.

    If your goal is a 30 minute workout three times a week, but you find yourself not doing it, what about a 10 minute workout each morning? Or, if you can’t write 500 words per day, what about 100? (These last two paragraphs are 110 words!)

    Aim for the easiest version of an activity first. You can up the challenge later.

    Make Your New Year’s Resolution With a Buddy

    Personal growth can be a lonely journey. Find someone you can share your struggles and successes with. Friends, relatives, people who share your interests, even social media can all work. It’s even better if they make a New Year’s resolution, too, so you can encourage each other’s progress.

    If your resolution is particularly tough, or you’ve got other problems getting in your way, you might want more specialized support. Therapy can be a good option here, since therapists are trained to turn vague issues like “anxiety” into specific techniques you can try. I love the process of pinning down what, exactly, the problem is, and being able to label it is often a huge relief for my clients even before we start finding solutions. If you think this process could be useful for you, drop me a line!

  • 5 Ways to Improve Self-Esteem

    5 Ways to Improve Self-Esteem

    Self-esteem seems simple, but millions of people struggle with it. Low self-esteem increases your risk of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and other mental illnesses. It makes you more vulnerable to toxic relationships. But there are ways you can improve your self-esteem, and strengthen both your relationships and mental health.

    1. Find things you like about yourself.

    The simplest way to improve your self-esteem is to find your good qualities. What are you good at? What are your strengths? Do other people tell you you’re kind, funny, smart, or give you other compliments?

    If you’re not sure where to start, try looking at a list of strengths and examining which ones might fit you. You’ll probably notice some good qualities you hadn’t even considered applying to yourself, like tactful, inquisitive, or genuine. For bonus points, try thinking of situations where you’ve used those strengths, to reinforce them in your brain.

    I recommend trying to think of one or two good qualities each day when you’re starting out. The more you practice, the easier it will be for your brain to notice these strengths, which will increase your self-esteem.

    2. Accept compliments gracefully.

    When someone tells you you’re awesome, do you disagree? When they say you did a great job, do you say, “It wasn’t that special”? This can lower your self-esteem if you do it often. It builds a habit of your brain minimizing your strengths.

    Instead, try saying, “Thank you! I really appreciate that.” If you feel uncomfortable, you can follow it with complimenting the other person. This takes attention off of you and helps the other person feel valued, too.

    Accepting compliments may feel awkward at first. You might worry about sounding arrogant. But most people give compliments to show appreciation and try to make you feel good, so they will be happy their compliment has been accepted.

    3. Avoid putting yourself down.

    Many of my clients say, “I’m being lazy,” “I’m a terrible person,” or “I’m not that smart.” Even people who are smart, kind and hard-working tell me this. The problem is, if you keep telling yourself you’re bad, you’ll start to believe it.

    Instead, describe the emotion you’re feeling: “I feel worried about my productivity.” “I feel guilty for what I did.” “I feel sad because I want my grades to be higher.” Often, we mistake feeling bad for being bad. But emotions are temporary, not an unchangeable part of who you are. The fact that you’re feeling bad is a sign you’re capable of reflecting on your life, and learning from it. It means you can grow.

    4. Write down your accomplishments.

    I like to tell my clients to write down one thing they have accomplished each day. Even small things count, like “I managed to brush my hair,” or “I made my sister smile.” If it’s an accomplishment for them, if it took any effort at all, it counts. By the end of the week they have a whole list of reasons to be proud. You can do this, too!

    Writing positive things is one of the best ways to improve self-esteem because it makes your brain focus harder on the thought, and when you see it written in front of you, it feels more real.

    Make sure to write down your accomplishments after you’ve done them, by the way. If you write something you’re planning to do in advance it can feel like added pressure and stress.

    5. Even your friends can be a way to improve self-esteem!

    A lot of our self-esteem is learned from how other people treat us. If others treat you like you don’t matter, it can be hard to believe you do.

    Look for friends, family and coworkers who treat you with respect. Who pays attention to you when you talk, who hears out your opinions, who makes time for you in their day? If you usually walk away from a conversation with someone feeling better, that’s a good sign to spend more time with them. If the conversation ends and you usually feel frustrated, embarrassed or self-conscious, they may not be good for your self-esteem.

    Other ways to improve self-esteem

    Low self-esteem is one of the most common issues I treat in therapy. Many tools have been developed to help people with this, including assertiveness skills, boundary-setting, self-compassion, and exploring your personal values. Cognitive-behavior therapy can also be adapted to focus on self-esteem. It’s okay if you don’t know where to start: there’s enough overlap that you’ll probably find something useful with any of those subjects.

    Self-help books, podcasts and other media have been created to help people with low self-esteem. You may also find a therapist useful for help personally tailored to your needs, and to get support in your self-esteem journey. If you are interested in starting sessions, or are curious about what it may look like, drop me a line!

  • How to Cure Art Block

    How to Cure Art Block

    Last week, we explored the most common causes of “art block,” which prevents many artists from expressing themselves and bringing their visions to life. This issue can exacerbate stress, anxiety, self-esteem issues or depression, so figuring out how to cure art block may improve your mental and emotional health. Let’s dive in with a solution for each of art block’s most common causes.

    1. Fatigue

    Whether your body is tired or your brain is, trying to create when you’re exhausted is a quick recipe for stumbling. If this feeling comes up every time you try to create art, or you find yourself dreading the artistic process, you might also be dealing with burnout. Burnout may be caused by a job or school that overworks you, or it may happen to artists who push themselves to create a lot of art in a short period of time.

    Whatever kind of fatigue you’re dealing with, the answer is rest. Give yourself permission not to make art for at least a week. If you find yourself itching to create before the week is up, great! If you’re still tired afterward, you may need more time off (especially if art caused the burnout). Or you may need to lighten your other responsibilities so your brain won’t be too fried to create.

    2. Inability to Focus

    If you can’t focus or get attached to any art ideas, it may be because of fatigue, as above. But sometimes this issue can happen on its own, as is common for people with stress, anxiety, or ADHD.

    My go-to here is to do small, brief sketches or doodles. If you want to make a bigger or more complex project, but aren’t sure if your brain can stick to it right now, try thumbnailing the image or concepts a few times. Keep it simple! If you can draw a small, easy image, you’ll get the satisfaction from finishing something, which may spark more interest from your brain. Plus, thumbnails can help you work out kinks in the art idea before you try to make it “for real.”

    If small sketches or thumbnails don’t help, try taking a break. If you can’t stop thinking about something non-art-related, try writing those thoughts down or talking them through with a friend. Your brain may need to get some exercise, sleep on it, or resolve its other preoccupations before it can dive into art.

    3. Decision Paralysis

    You’ve got the energy. You’ve got the attention span. But you can’t put pen to paper. You may be dealing with decision paralysis.

    Decision paralysis comes in two forms. First, there’s the inability to choose what to create. Fortunately, working out how to cure art block for this is pretty straightforward. You could take requests, such as in Reddit Gets Drawn, or prompts from random generators. You could revisit one of your old works and try making it again to see how your style has changed.

    If you do have ideas, but can’t decide between them, try creating an “idea document.” Here you’ll list all the ideas for things you want to create. Toss short descriptions of each idea in there as it comes to you, and set aside all of them but one for now. This can help your brain stop worrying about fear of missing that one really cool idea.

    The second type of decision paralysis artists encounter is blank page syndrome: you’ve got the idea, and can probably see it in your head, but it’s hard to get it onto the page.

    A couple different things could help here. First, collect references and inspirational material for your subject, and try tracing or copying them. Familiarizing yourself with the subject will help you put your own spin on it. Second, make thumbnails, and experiment with lots of different ways to start. Don’t worry if they look bad – they aren’t the “real” art you’re trying to make, just rough drafts.

    But blank page syndrome can be caused by something deeper…

    4. Self-criticism and Pressure

    One of the challenges of art is that it forces you to confront your own level of ability – or lack thereof. You can’t help but compare your results to what’s in your head, or to other people’s art. And for many of us, flaws in our art feel like flaws in ourselves.

    How to cure art block for this? I suggest you make bad art on purpose. Scribble all over the page. Draw wonky perspective or mismatched eyes. Then do it again, and again – an ugly doodle every day for a week, if you can.

    The point of this is to show the fearful part of your brain that it’s okay to mess up, because you’ll always have another chance. It will also teach your brain that you can still create art even while feeling intimidated or anxious. You might even like some of the results.

    The second thing I’ve found helpful for most people is to compare your work to your previous works, not to other people. It doesn’t matter if your skill isn’t where you want to be yet. As long as it’s getting better over time, it will eventually get there. Remember that every creator you admire started off as a novice like you, and took a long time to get skilled, too.

    5. How to cure art block when you have mental health issues?

    The hard truth is, art block is sometimes caused by things you can’t fix with a single blog post like this one. Self-criticism may come from low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression. Lack of focus may come from ADHD or other disorders. I don’t want to alarm you – usually art block isn’t something to seriously worry about. But if you’ve been struggling with your mental health, it’s very likely to interfere with your art.

    The good news is that there are more resources for recovery than ever before. Art classes can be a great way to build your confidence and find support, and you can also find meetup groups and forums for artists. For a mental health focus, you can look into support groups, group counseling, or working with a therapist. Drop me a line if you have questions about ways to find support or are interested in starting therapy.

  • Happiness is a skill

    Happiness is a skill

    Hi everyone! I’m Kara, a therapist working in Texas, and I believe happiness isn’t just an emotion. Happiness is a skill – a set of skills – that you can put into practice to create a fulfilling life.

    In this blog I’ll share with you the tools and strategies that my clients and I have discovered help them achieve happier lives. Some of these tips will be tangible, like improving your sleep cycle. Others will help you explore your deeper needs so that you can shape your life into the right path for you. A “good life” means something different for everyone, and you’re the best judge of which tools work for you.

    It may be a skill, but it’s not easy.

    Your potential happiness is affected by the world you live in. You may face obstacles in the form of prejudice, discrimination, financial constraints, disability, or harmful people. So I will also explore ways you can get support from other people, advocate for yourself, and handle the challenges of living in an unequal society.

    Happiness is not a gift some of us receive and some of us don’t. It is not obliviousness to the harshness of the world. It isn’t an “ever after” you reach once and then you’ll never worry about again.

    Happy people choose to practice doing more of what makes them happier. And since happiness is a skill, like other skills it takes time, work, and active maintenance. But it is something you can practice. I see people from all walks of life get better at it, and you can do it, too.

    Where to start?

    I’ll be posting articles to help you develop your own happiness at least once a week. I’ll also talk about your options for therapy, which is great if you want more in-depth support for solving problems, getting to know yourself or developing a happier life.

    Are there topics related to therapy, mental health or happiness you want to see me cover? Or do you want more personal support for your journey? Drop me a line!