Shaded Bough Counseling

Author: KNassour

  • How to Know If You Have Anger Issues

    How to Know If You Have Anger Issues

    If you’ve been feeling angrier these last few years, you aren’t alone. From the spats on social media to the highest political offices, everyone has something that ticks them off, and it’s often for a good reason. But anger that burns too hot or too often can wear you out and rip up your relationships, so how do you know when it’s a problem? Read on to figure out if you have anger issues – and what you can do about them.

    What are “Anger Issues”?

    Anger is a natural part of you. It’s there to tell you when something unfair is happening, or your boundaries or needs are being ignored. Feeling angry does not mean you have an anger issue. Instead, it’s how you act on your anger that’s healthy or unhealthy.

    When you handle your anger in a healthy way…

    • You feel motivated to tackle your problems.
    • Your own needs and values become clearer.
    • You get better at protecting your boundaries and standing up for yourself.
    • You can better gauge when something is wrong or unfair.
    • It’s easier to treat yourself and other people with fairness and respect.

    But when anger is handled in an unhealthy way…

    • It damages your relationships with other people.
    • It doesn’t help you solve problems – and might cause new ones.
    • You have more feelings of stress, exhaustion, sadness, guilt or hopelessness.
    • You feel unhappier with yourself or more depressed about life.

    Look at the role that anger plays in your life. Does it help you deal with problems, or make things harder? Do you feel good about how you handle frustrating situations, or would you rather act differently?

    It’s also useful to ask people you trust whether they think you have issues managing your anger. Some of my clients worry that they’re “too angry” only to discover that everyone else thinks they’re too passive. Other clients believe that they’re just being honest, or “keeping it real,” but accidentally come across as aggressive.

    What Do Anger Issues Look Like?

    Unhealthy anger can look like many things. Not all of these may apply to you, but if one of them does, it’s worth exploring further.

    • Angry outbursts – Yelling, throwing things, violence, losing your temper, feeling like you’ve lost control.
    • Passive-aggressiveness – An indirect way to express anger without actually talking about it. Passive-aggressiveness is often coupled with feeling resentful or like you aren’t able to express yourself openly. However, since the cause of the anger isn’t being addressed, it’s still there to cause tension for you and others.
    • Putting people down – Insults, sarcasm, giving others the cold shoulder, or otherwise disrespecting them.
    • Fights and hurtful arguments – Disagreement is normal, even in the best relationships. Friendly or not-serious arguments are common, too. But regular arguments that feel hurtful, disrespectful, or which have angry outbursts indicate a problem.
    • Anger addiction – Oddly enough, anger can be habit-forming. If you spend a lot of time with people, news, or media that make you feel angry, self-righteous or upset, it’s worth reconsidering whether that’s having a good impact on your mental health.
    • Reckless behavior – Getting into fights, injuring yourself, getting blackout drunk, or putting yourself in harm’s way. This can be a way to “blow off steam” for a while but it comes at a high risk, and doesn’t solve the problem that angered you.
    • Substance abuse – Many people use alcohol or other drugs to cope with feelings of anger. But regularly doing this can raise your risk of addiction, and it still leaves you with the problem that caused the anger in the first place.

    Improving Your Anger Management

    The good news is that you can turn your anger into a force for good. You do not have to reject the part of yourself that gets angry; in fact, I think you should listen to it. By understanding where your anger comes from, and what it’s trying to tell you, you can better tackle the real problems in your life and even grow as a person.

    I’ll be adding a more in-depth post on this next week, but for now, here is the most critical anger skill I’ve found. It’s been useful in my own life, and I recommend it to all of my therapy clients with anger issues. This skill is to wait.

    Anger makes you think you have to react immediately. But few things in life need your immediate reaction. If you see an awful post on the internet, or someone you know upsets you, ask yourself: Do I have to respond to this right now? Can I afford to step away and come back to the problem later?

    You don’t have to “bottle up” your feelings or “give in.” Just pause the issue for a while. I suggest at least 30 minutes, or a full day if you have the time. Use that time to stomp away, complain to a friend, write your thoughts down, throw rocks in your backyard, or whatever helps you safely work things through in your head. Then, if you decide it’s worth dealing with after all, you’ll be able to do so more effectively.

    Putting a pause on anger can be hard, but my clients report that it’s always useful when they manage it. And there are skills you can practice to make it easier. If you’re interested in exploring therapy to better handle your anger, drop me a line – or stay tuned for my next post about it!

  • The 5 Skills That Taught Me How to Make Small Talk

    The 5 Skills That Taught Me How to Make Small Talk

    For many people, the hardest part of making new friends is getting through “small talk.” It can feel boring, awkward, frustrating, or even exhausting. Lack of confidence in small talk can perpetuate anxiety and loneliness by discouraging you from connecting with people. So, as an introvert who struggled with this myself, here are my best tricks for how to make small talk work for you!

    1. Understand how making small talk can help you.

    My clients who struggle with small talk often tell me they find it pointless or boring. They’d rather talk about more personal, interesting topics. And that’s natural! But small talk does have a point, one that people rarely put into words. If you know it, you’ll probably find small talk much less frustrating:

    The real purpose of small talk isn’t the content of what you’re talking about, but to demonstrate that you’re friendly and nonthreatening.

    Before people talk to you, they don’t know whether you’re a nice person or a jerk. They’re likely to be a little hesitant because you’re a stranger. Small talk is one way you can show them that you’re playing by the rules of social customs, putting them at ease. The actual subject isn’t as important as seeing that the other person is reasonable and pleasant.

    This is good news! It means that you don’t have to be a great conversationalist. You just need to seem like a polite person who won’t push at others’ boundaries or insult them. Now, as for how you do that…

    2. Open with an observation.

    There are many ways to start small talk, but my favorite is to comment on something you and your listener can both observe. Some examples are:

    • Beautiful day, isn’t it?
    • There sure are a lot of people walking dogs today.
    • Is it just me, or is this bus always late?
    • I like your jacket/purse/hairstyle/etc. Where did you get it?
    • It’s neat to look at how people decorate their yards for the holidays.

    By remarking on something you’re both aware of – perhaps directly in front of you – you don’t have to worry about getting too personal. You might be able to build rapport through a shared experience (like waiting for the same bus), or by complimenting someone. If you use compliments, commenting on something people choose (like accessories) or have done (like giving a speech at a meeting) tends to be better received than if you comment on their physical features.

    3. Have a go-to topic.

    A go-to topic is something most people can participate in or have opinions on, and which is unlikely to offend them or feel too personal. Keep a few of these subjects in mind and ask people about their experiences.

    Here are my favorite go-to’s for making small talk:

    • Do you have any pets? What are their names? What are their personalities like?
    • How do you like spending your free time?
    • Any good books/shows/podcasts you’ve been into lately? What are they about?
    • What brings you to [town]?

    4. Show interest.

    Most people love talking about things they’re interested in. They love it even more if you show interest in the thing, too. It makes the conversation more fun for them and they feel appreciated.

    This can be tricky if you are not actually interested in the same thing. If you feel bored by the other person’s chatter, you might think you’re doing small talk “wrong” or think that you’re not suited to being friends. At this point, I suggest focusing on curiosity about the other person, and what their experience means to them. For instance:

    • Amelia wants to talk about her favorite anime series. I don’t watch that anime, but it’s important to Amelia. So I ask her: “What do you find appealing about this show? What parts of it resonate with you?”
    • Liu loves football. I don’t care about football, but I do care about Liu. So when he’s gushing about how well his favorite team did, I say, “That’s awesome! I’m glad your team won. What’s next for them?” The point isn’t to fake being interested, but to give Liu a chance to talk about something he loves.
    • Shana has been swamped with work and is venting about her boss. I respond, “Man, that sounds so frustrating. They’re really dumping everything on you.”

    When in doubt, reflect. That is, paraphrase or summarize what the other person is saying. This tells the other person that you’re paying attention and helps them feel like they’re being heard. You can also reflect the emotions another person is showing, like worry, frustration, happiness, and so on: “You’re really excited for that…” “That seems exhausting to deal with…”

    Reflection is my favorite small talk skill because you don’t have to come up with clever things of your own. You can just paraphrase whatever the other person is saying, and it usually encourages them to say even more. They’ll carry most of the conversation for you, and appreciate you for listening to them.

    5. Know when to back off

    Part of what makes small talk “awkward” is that you don’t know the other person well enough to know where their boundaries are. If you worry about accidentally being rude, “weird” or making others uncomfortable, it’s probably because you aren’t sure how to gauge when you’re overstepping. By knowing how to read other people’s “No” signals, you’ll not only be respectful of others, but relieve your own nerves, too.

    Keep an eye out for:

    • The person turns away from you.
    • They give you shorter or more monotone responses.
    • They give vague, evasive answers.
    • Their face becomes less animated than before.
    • They start checking their phone or get more involved in another activity.
    • The person says they are busy, or would rather talk later.
    • The other person crosses their arms, frowns more, steps away or physically withdraws from you.
    • They suddenly change the subject or go silent.
    • You get the feeling that they’re “checking out of” the discussion, or it feels hard to engage them.
    • They tell you they’re uncomfortable or ask you to stop.

    Getting these signals doesn’t necessarily mean you did something wrong. People might disengage from small talk because they’re tired, preoccupied, anxious, or need to emotionally recharge. Or they might be autistic, and show interest differently than other people do. If you’re not sure whether someone wants to talk, it’s okay to ask, “Would you rather have some time to yourself?” to clarify.

    Don’t blame yourself if someone doesn’t want to talk. It’s usually not a reflection of you, and most people won’t be upset as long as you respect their boundaries when they ask for it.

    Bonus tip: The more you make small talk, the easier it gets.

    Making small talk is hard for many of us. I didn’t feel comfortable with it until my 20’s, when work forced me to interact with more and more people. But I did find that with practice, conversations that felt stiff or exhausting slowly became more comfortable. My social anxiety decreased and it became easier to make friends. I believe you can do this, too.

    Small talk and other social skills are some of the most common challenges I assist people with in therapy. If you’re interested in more detailed, one-on-one support for your own growth, drop me a line!

  • How to Treat a Lack of Self-Confidence

    How to Treat a Lack of Self-Confidence

    If you struggle to stand up for yourself, try new things or make decisions on your own, you might lack self-confidence. Low self-confidence can hinder you from living a full life and connecting with other people. It can exacerbate anxiety, depression and other mental health issues. But people improve their self-confidence every day, and you can, too.

    1. Identify when your lack of self-confidence appears

    Self-confidence is different from self-esteem. As ADD.org puts it, “Self-confidence is a person’s attitude about their capabilities and skills. A person with good self-confidence feels like they have control over their lives. Self-esteem is how a person perceives their own value and self-worth. A person with high self-esteem is open to different ideas and comfortable socially.”

    If you have low self-esteem, your general view of yourself is negative. Low self-esteem follows you throughout your day. But confidence can vary depending on where you are, or what you’re doing.

    For instance, I’m confident when I’m providing psychotherapy. I’ve treated many clients and know what to expect. But if you entered me in a karaoke contest, I’d be very un-confident! I have no idea how to sing. You can probably think of some activities you feel more or less confident at, too.

    You might also be dealing with a lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem. Check out my other articles for more tips on treating self-esteem issues.

    Knowing when you’re confident and un-confident is useful. You might discover that you feel more confident around certain people – these are relationships to keep! Or you might lean into your strengths instead of pushing yourself to fit into a mold. It’s also reassuring to remember you are good at some things, which leads into my next point…

    2. Give yourself more credit!

    Don’t just focus on the things you struggle with. You must have been doing something right in order to get through life so far. Think about your interests, things you’re good at, things that other people say they like about you. To build self-confidence, you have to acknowledge your positive qualities.

    I often recommend that people write down a couple of things they have accomplished each day. Even if it’s as small as doing laundry or remembering to eat lunch, if it’s an accomplishment for you, it counts. This helps your brain get better at saying, “I did it! I can do things,” instead of “I’m no good, I can’t do it.” By writing it down, you also develop a tangible record of accomplishments, which you can use to counter your negative thoughts when you need a boost.

    3. What’s the worst that could happen?

    If you lack self-confidence, your brain is probably good at thinking of what could go wrong. Maybe other people will judge you. Maybe you’ll hurt someone’s feelings. You could lose your job, or fail a class, or a hundred other things.

    But if the worst did happen, what could you do to cope with it?

    Turn your worried thoughts in a more constructive direction, and create a back-up plan for if things do go wrong. Some questions I like to ask myself are:

    • Is this actually going to hurt me, or just feel uncomfortable for a while?
    • Have I ever been in a situation like this before? How did I get through it?
    • Are there programs or services I could use to help recover from this?
    • Who could I turn to for support?
    • What could my back-up plan look like?

    It’s much easier to feel confident when you know that your life will keep going even if you screw up, and you have a plan for what to do.

    Bonus tip: Practice anyway, despite your lack of self-confidence

    Low self-confidence takes a long time to overcome. Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t fix itself in a week, or a month. You will have to push yourself sometimes to do things that you’re uncomfortable with. Most of your self-confidence in an activity will come after you’ve done the activity several times and know what to expect.

    Many people can improve their confidence on their own, especially if their low self-confidence only pops up for minor, occasional things (like me not knowing how to sing). But sometimes people want more support. Perhaps you’re also dealing with anxiety, depression, or other mental illnesses, or maybe you want personal assistance for your situation. If you’re interested in counseling to help support your journey, drop me a line.

  • 5 Ways to Improve Self-Esteem

    5 Ways to Improve Self-Esteem

    Self-esteem seems simple, but millions of people struggle with it. Low self-esteem increases your risk of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and other mental illnesses. It makes you more vulnerable to toxic relationships. But there are ways you can improve your self-esteem, and strengthen both your relationships and mental health.

    1. Find things you like about yourself.

    The simplest way to improve your self-esteem is to find your good qualities. What are you good at? What are your strengths? Do other people tell you you’re kind, funny, smart, or give you other compliments?

    If you’re not sure where to start, try looking at a list of strengths and examining which ones might fit you. You’ll probably notice some good qualities you hadn’t even considered applying to yourself, like tactful, inquisitive, or genuine. For bonus points, try thinking of situations where you’ve used those strengths, to reinforce them in your brain.

    I recommend trying to think of one or two good qualities each day when you’re starting out. The more you practice, the easier it will be for your brain to notice these strengths, which will increase your self-esteem.

    2. Accept compliments gracefully.

    When someone tells you you’re awesome, do you disagree? When they say you did a great job, do you say, “It wasn’t that special”? This can lower your self-esteem if you do it often. It builds a habit of your brain minimizing your strengths.

    Instead, try saying, “Thank you! I really appreciate that.” If you feel uncomfortable, you can follow it with complimenting the other person. This takes attention off of you and helps the other person feel valued, too.

    Accepting compliments may feel awkward at first. You might worry about sounding arrogant. But most people give compliments to show appreciation and try to make you feel good, so they will be happy their compliment has been accepted.

    3. Avoid putting yourself down.

    Many of my clients say, “I’m being lazy,” “I’m a terrible person,” or “I’m not that smart.” Even people who are smart, kind and hard-working tell me this. The problem is, if you keep telling yourself you’re bad, you’ll start to believe it.

    Instead, describe the emotion you’re feeling: “I feel worried about my productivity.” “I feel guilty for what I did.” “I feel sad because I want my grades to be higher.” Often, we mistake feeling bad for being bad. But emotions are temporary, not an unchangeable part of who you are. The fact that you’re feeling bad is a sign you’re capable of reflecting on your life, and learning from it. It means you can grow.

    4. Write down your accomplishments.

    I like to tell my clients to write down one thing they have accomplished each day. Even small things count, like “I managed to brush my hair,” or “I made my sister smile.” If it’s an accomplishment for them, if it took any effort at all, it counts. By the end of the week they have a whole list of reasons to be proud. You can do this, too!

    Writing positive things is one of the best ways to improve self-esteem because it makes your brain focus harder on the thought, and when you see it written in front of you, it feels more real.

    Make sure to write down your accomplishments after you’ve done them, by the way. If you write something you’re planning to do in advance it can feel like added pressure and stress.

    5. Even your friends can be a way to improve self-esteem!

    A lot of our self-esteem is learned from how other people treat us. If others treat you like you don’t matter, it can be hard to believe you do.

    Look for friends, family and coworkers who treat you with respect. Who pays attention to you when you talk, who hears out your opinions, who makes time for you in their day? If you usually walk away from a conversation with someone feeling better, that’s a good sign to spend more time with them. If the conversation ends and you usually feel frustrated, embarrassed or self-conscious, they may not be good for your self-esteem.

    Other ways to improve self-esteem

    Low self-esteem is one of the most common issues I treat in therapy. Many tools have been developed to help people with this, including assertiveness skills, boundary-setting, self-compassion, and exploring your personal values. Cognitive-behavior therapy can also be adapted to focus on self-esteem. It’s okay if you don’t know where to start: there’s enough overlap that you’ll probably find something useful with any of those subjects.

    Self-help books, podcasts and other media have been created to help people with low self-esteem. You may also find a therapist useful for help personally tailored to your needs, and to get support in your self-esteem journey. If you are interested in starting sessions, or are curious about what it may look like, drop me a line!

  • How Long Does Therapy Take To Work?

    How Long Does Therapy Take To Work?

    If you’re thinking of starting psychotherapy, it can be an intimidating commitment. How do you know whether you’ll get results? How do you know if you’ve found the right therapist? And how much time should you give it before trying something else? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but here are a few pointers to help you figure out how long therapy may take to work for you.

    It depends on the challenges you’re facing.

    In general, the more “problems” you need to work on, the more time you will need. The more intense those problems feel, the longer they will probably take. Some of these problems might be mental health related, but they can also come from your relationships, work or school, or other circumstances that give you stress.

    Some diagnoses need a longer treatment than others. A person with complex PTSD and depression will probably need more sessions than someone whose only issue is overcoming a phobia of dogs. A person who starts therapy to figure out how to be happier at work might no longer need therapy once they have a new job they love. It’s hard to give a definite timeline, since so many things can make recovery easier or harder. The shortest I’ve seen a person meet their goals is two months, and the longest is several years.

    It depends on your goals.

    If you want to only see a therapist for two months, that’s probably long enough to improve your coping skills, or learn to handle job interviews. It may be enough for some kinds of phobias or grief. But it will probably take longer to work through complex feelings about your parents, or overcome a major depressive episode, or handle guilt about a childhood trauma. Deeper work, or changes that affect big parts of your life or relationships, tend to take longer.

    You can decide how deep you want to go, and what you want to work on. Perhaps you only want to focus on quitting smoking, and not on family issues or anxiety right now. That’s okay. If you wish, you can change your goals later, too.

    Your therapist may give you “homework” to try between sessions. This could mean filling out a worksheet, practicing conversation skills, journaling, or many other things. You don’t have to do the homework, but it usually helps your brain learn new skills or insights faster.

    It depends on how well you and your therapist connect.

    There have been a lot of studies done on which therapy techniques work best. But the most important factor isn’t actually the specific technique: it’s how supported you feel in therapy. The process of working with someone who listens, takes you seriously, accepts you as you are, and who believes you can recover is healing in itself.

    On the other hand, if you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist, or don’t feel like therapy is working for you, bring that up with the therapist! We make mistakes sometimes, and it’s helpful for us to hear if we did something wrong, so we can fix it. Or, if you’re not comfortable discussing it, you can contact their supervisor (if they have one) or switch to a new therapist.

    It’s also okay to ask for a therapist who shares your background or culture. For instance, if you would feel most comfortable with a Black therapist, the Black Therapy Network is a great place to start. Psychology Today’s directory lets you filter therapists by gender, race, and other demographics. Another great option is to find a therapist who is an ally, even if they aren’t in your community. You can ask therapists in the first email, phone call or session about their experience with your issue or community, and that will help you gauge whether they’re a good fit for you.

    How to make therapy work faster for you

    1. Get help early. It’s easier to address the molehill before it becomes a mountain.
    2. Find a therapist you feel comfortable with. Don’t be afraid to shop around or do a “trial run” of 1-3 sessions first.
    3. Identify your goals. This will help you know when you’re moving in the right direction.
    4. Do the homework. More practice between sessions usually means faster results.
    5. If something isn’t working, let the therapist know. We don’t want to waste your time going down the wrong path!

    Okay, but how long does therapy take to work on average?

    For my own clients, it takes anywhere from four months to a couple years. For most people. It might be shorter if you have a lot of support, a relatively straightforward concern, or your external situation improves. It might be longer if your situation is complex or you change your goals midway through therapy. I wish I could be more precise, but it wouldn’t be truthful.

    I have found that most people who aren’t sure if their problems are “serious enough” for therapy do benefit from it. Even if the problem really is small, it means therapy goes faster and prevents worse problems later. I’m a big fan of preventative care, both for doctor’s visits and for mental health. So if you’re on the fence, know that you can reach out to me or another therapist, give it a go for a few sessions, and quit or see someone else if it isn’t working for you.

  • 5 Skills for Financial Stress Management

    5 Skills for Financial Stress Management

    Previously we’ve explored what financial stress is and how it can affect you. Now let’s learn what you can do about it. By developing your financial stress management skills, you can improve your mental and financial health.

    1. Ask for help.

    You need help. I needed help, too. It can be really hard to ask, since our culture just assumes adults know how to manage money, and being broke or in debt is often seen as a personal failing. But nobody is born knowing how to do this, and if the super-rich people out there can get help, you deserve it, too.

    “Help” can look like several things:

    • You may need money or assistance programs to help pay your bills. (FindHelp.org is a great place to start!)
    • You might need information so you can figure out what financial options are best for you.
    • You may need training in how to create a budget, use a credit card responsibly, or other skills.
    • Maybe you even need emotional support for all the stress that thinking about this brings up!

    Whatever you need, I suggest you first reach out to a friend, relative or partner you trust. Preferably someone who seems to have their finances in good shape. Tell them you’re stressed out about money and want to get to a better spot. Ask this person to help you figure out what to do.

    If you don’t have anyone, churches and community services can usually point you towards someone who can help. The online community /r/personalfinance is a great place to ask questions and get ideas, too.

    2. Build your money skills.

    Financial literacy is your ability to understand and make financial decisions effectively. People with high financial literacy are “good with money.” They’re also less stressed about money, even if they go into debt, because they know how to get back out of it.

    Here are some great places to improve your financial literacy:

    • That same friend or relative who seems to have their finances sorted out. Ask them how they did it. Do they use a budget? Do they use credit cards? How do they decide what to buy and what to save?
    • /r/personalfinance. Not only can you ask questions, but they also have a wiki with answers to common issues, and a flowchart that helps sort your goals into concrete steps.
    • YouTube! When I was new and clueless, I searched for “personal finance 101” and listened to videos while working out and doing chores. Avoid anyone who’s trying to sell you something or says you can get rich easily.
    • Investopedia’s personal finance section! This is like the Wikipedia of money, and they won’t try to sell you things you don’t need.

    3. Take breaks when you get overwhelmed.

    Okay, that is a lot of info in those resources I linked. My brain got fried when I first tried learning this stuff, but then, I was starting with very little know-how. I had to pull myself away from the computer, focus on other people and hobbies, and take breaks. A lot.

    If your finances are screwy, you won’t fix them in a week, or a month. You certainly won’t fix them by wearing yourself out with anxiety or sleep deprivation. But you will fix them if you learn a little bit at a time, and make a few changes at a time, and keep going for as many months or years it takes. Financial stress management means pacing yourself.

    4. Tackle one goal at a time.

    Taxes and budgets and loans, oh my! There are too many things demanding your money, and not enough to fill them all yet. But just as importantly, you only have so much time and energy. Pick one thing you can work towards first. The Personal Finance flowchart is a good starting point.

    You may be tempted to try to learn everything so you can make the best possible series of decisions. But if this leads to never actually making a decision, it can be a problem in itself. Some people overanalyze because they’re anxious or afraid of commitment. For others, it’s a way to procrastinate.

    You will make mistakes. Sometimes expensive ones. But if you’re not gambling or taking huge risks in the stock market, you probably won’t make your situation worse. You’ll have time later to adjust course. Just do what you can with what you’ve got right now.

    5. Mental health management = financial stress management

    Mental health can make financial stress management much tougher. Some mental health issues that get in the way are anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, compulsive shopping, gambling addiction, and substance use problems. Divorce, bereavement, homelessness, and poverty can also seriously affect your health and finances at the same time.

    Tell your friends and family if any of the above are happening to you. Like finances, it’s much easier to recover when you’ve got people in your corner. Check out support groups and mental health services in your area, using a directory like FindHelp.org or by calling 211. I also help clients work through anxiety and stress related to finances, and have a limited number of sliding-scale appointments for people in need. Contact me if you’re interested.

    I hope this article has been helpful for you! Financial stress is one of the world’s biggest causes of anxiety, but just by reading this, you’ve already taken a step toward positive changes. Good luck!

  • What are the Effects of Financial Stress?

    What are the Effects of Financial Stress?

    Last week I talked about what financial stress is. Today we’ll explore the effects on financial stress on families, relationships and mental health. It can happen to people of any income, old or young, even the smartest of us. But no matter your situation, know that you’re not alone.

    Poverty can be traumatic.

    Poverty is unpredictable, exhausting, and frequently treated as shameful. It’s a “chronic stressor,” so even when you aren’t being harassed by bill collectors and you do have food on the table, you never really feel secure. Poverty increases a person’s risk of physical and mental illness, and makes it harder to get healthcare.

    Many of my clients who grew up in poverty report that they still worry about money, even if they’re now financially secure. Others feel guilty about spending money, even on things that make them happy or healthier. It’s difficult to talk about, especially if most of your friends or family haven’t been there, so this kind of trauma can be very isolating.

    The effects of financial stress are generational.

    Most of us learn how to think about money by watching our parents. If your parents worried about how they’d pay the bills, you may worry the same way. Children who notice their parents’ financial stress often avoid asking for things because they don’t want to be a burden on their parents.

    This problem gets bigger if your family has low “financial literacy.” That’s the ability to understand and use money to achieve your goals. Low financial literacy doesn’t mean someone’s unintelligent. It just means they haven’t had the chance to learn these skills. You may have a harder time with money if your family wasn’t able to teach it to you. But just like other learned habits, this is something you can improve.

    Financial anxiety

    Although financial stress hits low-income people the hardest, it can affect people of all social classes. In particular, anxiety often manifests through how we handle our money. Money represents different things to different people: freedom, security, hope, despair, social acceptance, guilt, self-worth, and more.

    Think about what money represents to you. Is it something to save up in case of emergency? Is it a little bit of breathing room, a relief? What do you feel okay about purchasing, and what makes you feel guilty or irritated? How much time do you want to spend thinking about money, and how will you know when you have enough? What will you do if you have enough?

    These questions get complicated quickly. My clients find that discussing it in therapy helps them figure out their core values, and to overcome their deeper fears. It’s hard work, but rewarding.

    Relationship tension

    Another form of financial stress happens when two people in a family have different ideas of how money should be used. Perhaps one spouse thinks they should be more careful with what they spend. But their partner thinks they both need a better quality of life. Maybe a parent wants an adult child to start paying rent while at home – or a child is tired of bailing their parent out of debt.

    With “money” as one of the top reasons couples split up, it’s worth talking to your partner early on about how they view money, and what kind of lifestyle they want. Explore what money represents for each of you. Often, disagreements over money stem from deeper worries or needs.

    Effects of financial stress on mental illness

    One of the toughest effects of financial stress is that it makes every other problem in your life harder. It’s harder to afford doctor visits, medication or therapy if money is tight. Even if you logically know you have “enough,” money can become another reason for your brain to worry excessively. It may also exacerbate feelings of shame, guilt, low self-worth, or feeling “unproductive.” People with addictions often struggle with financial stress, too – and the financial stress can make addiction worse.

    If you need therapy but money is tight, check out FindHelp.org or Open Path Collective. It’s better to start looking early than to wait until you’re overwhelmed, because many low-cost providers have waitlists. I also counsel clients for financial stress, and have a limited number of sliding-scale appointments for people in need. Contact me if you’re interested, or check out my next article on ways to manage your financial stress!

  • What is Financial Stress?

    What is Financial Stress?

    With rising interest rates, inflation, and fears of a recession just around the corner, most Americans are dealing with a lot more financial stress. The best defense is to be prepared. Learn what financial stress is, how it affects you, and what you can do about it.

    Stressing about money – and so much more

    Financial stress occurs any time you find yourself worrying about money, the ability to pay for things, to reach your financial goals or maintain your lifestyle. It can mean worrying about whether you’ll be able to retire, raise children, get out of debt, pay for college, or more.

    Financial stress is not the same as being greedy or materialistic. Most clients I work with face financial stress because they want security, not wealth or high status. They just want to be able to enjoy their life without fearing it will be snatched away from them by bills and debt. In one of the richest countries in the world, that’s not an unreasonable ask!

    What is financial stress from a situation?

    I find it useful to distinguish whether financial stress comes from within yourself, or from the situation you’re in. This helps you identify what you need to do to address it.

    Your situation might give you financial distress if you are in poverty, live paycheck to paycheck, have irregular income throughout the year, lose your job, have a lot of debt, or encounter a disaster or sudden massive bill. The underlying question here is: How will I afford the things I need? The solution to this kind of stress has to address the situation: organizations like FindHelp.org to reduce your bills and get social support, unemployment benefits if you’re laid off, and SNAP and Medicaid to get food and medical assistance.

    However, assistance programs in the USA still have many gaps, and it’s extremely difficult for many people to get out of poverty or debt. We need institutional reform such as a single-payer healthcare system to ensure that people at all income levels can survive. But that’s another topic – let’s focus on what you can do, as an individual.

    What is financial stress from within?

    The other kind of financial stress can happen even if there is no obvious problem to cause it. You may be able to pay your bills, and see no reason why that would change, but you still worry. You might feel privileged, and like you shouldn’t complain because others have it harder, but you still feel guilty about spending money on “unnecessary” things or wonder if you need more.

    This kind of financial stress is less dramatic, but still a real fear many people struggle with. You might have grown up without much money, and worry about going back to that state. Maybe nobody taught you how to manage money effectively. Or perhaps you struggle to gauge how much you have and how much you need. If you suffer from anxiety, or general worries about your future, those often manifest as financial stress, too.

    What you can do

    My specialty is mental health, so that’s what I’ll be focusing on. For more assistance with external money issues, I recommend FindHelp.org – it’s a great directory for free and low-cost services ranging from elder care to groceries to job training, and more. They have a section for low-cost mental healthcare, too!

    I’ll be writing two more posts in this series, one on the effects of financial stress, and another for how to cope with it. For now, the most important things to know are that you are not alone, and you have a right to feel this way. Just because someone else might “have it worse” doesn’t make your stress or anxiety less real. You are not being silly or selfish by wanting to take care of yourself financially, or by not giving money to everyone in need of help.

    The most helpful thing, for me, was not trying to figure everything out alone. I had to reach out to relatives who understood money better than I did, and who were willing to teach me. Look for a friend, relative, or local class that can help you, too. (The library is a great place to ask!) Most people will not look down on you for trying to get to a better place. And if you want more intensive support – especially for handling stress, relationship, or anxiety issues at the same time – don’t hesitate to reach out for therapy.

  • Do I Need a Therapist or Psychiatrist: How to Decide

    Do I Need a Therapist or Psychiatrist: How to Decide

    Mental health services are more widely available than ever, but with that comes the question of figuring out what service is right for you. Who prescribes medication? Who can teach you coping skills? So here’s a simple explanation to help you find the right therapist or psychiatrist for you.

    What’s the difference between seeing a therapist or psychiatrist?

    Psychotherapy or counseling usually means “talk therapy.” You sit in a room with the therapist, talk about your problems, and come up with solutions together. There are variations like art therapy, play therapy, group therapy and even adventure therapy. Therapists help you build a stronger relationship with yourself and other people in your life.

    You can think of “therapist” as an umbrella term with several types:

    • Professional counselors are pretty much what most people think of as “talk therapy.” This is what I am, hello!
    • Marriage and family therapists specialize in working with couples and families.
    • Clinical psychologists have doctoral-level knowledge and sometimes work as therapists, sometimes work in institutions or community agencies.
    • Social workers may also do counseling work, may be case managers or involved in other social services.
    • Depending on where you live, there may be a lot of overlap in what these professions do. In Texas, where I work, all of these professions can diagnose and treat mental illnesses. It’s also common for one person to hold multiple licenses.

    Psychiatry is a special case! Psychiatrists are physicians (MD) who can prescribe medication for mental health. Most professionals in the previous group are not trained to prescribe medication. Appointments with psychiatrists are often shorter, more focused on symptoms and medication management, and may feel more like doctor appointments. Because, well, they are doctors. Psychiatrists can also prescribe behavioral treatments like exercise, journaling and coping skills if they choose.

    These are generalizations. Some psychiatrists are also psychologists or therapists. Psychologists with PsyD degrees can prescribe medication in certain states. When in doubt, ask the provider what working with them would look like.

    Many people get best results from working with a therapist and psychiatrist, to ensure all sides of their recovery are addressed.

    Try reaching out to a therapist if:

    • You want to get support weekly or biweekly.
    • You want plenty of time per session to explore your problems.
    • You are more interested in talk therapy, changing your behaviors, or developing coping skills than in medication.
    • You want to try couples therapy, group therapy, or another treatment psychiatrists usually don’t cover.

    Key words to look for: clinical psychologist (PhD, PsyD), LPC, LCSW, LMFT, LMHC, LCDC.

    Try a psychiatrist if:

    • You want to try psychiatric medication.
    • You want to better understand what’s going on with your brain chemistry.
    • You’re already on medication, and want an expert to help you manage it.
    • Your symptoms don’t get better from talk therapy or behavioral treatments alone.
    • You have an illness that usually needs medication for best results.
    • The therapist you want to see also happens to be a psychiatrist. They are out there!

    Key words to look for: Psychiatrist.

    If you can’t decide between a therapist or psychiatrist, try interviewing them.

    When in doubt, ask. I love it when my clients ask me what kind of work I do. It helps make sure that we’re a good fit before we start working together! And if we aren’t, I’m happy to refer them to a psychiatrist, or marriage and family therapist, or whoever is best qualified to treat them.

    Some useful questions to ask a therapist or psychiatrist are:

    • What license do you hold?
    • What do you specialize in?
    • How long are your sessions and how often would we meet?
    • Do you do talk therapy, medication, or other treatments?
    • If there’s a particular treatment I want (CBT, EMDR, art therapy…) can you provide it?
    • If not, can you refer me to someone who does?
    • How would we know if I’m getting better?

    I hope this helped you get a better idea of what to look for when seeking help. Don’t hesitate to contact me if you have questions, or if you’re interested in starting therapy for yourself.

  • How to Make Friends as an Introvert with Social Anxiety

    How to Make Friends as an Introvert with Social Anxiety

    Making friends is tough if you’re not naturally extroverted, or if your brain freezes up when you try to hold a conversation. As an introvert myself, I struggled for a long time. But becoming a therapist has helped me put the strategies that worked for me into words, and I bet they could help you, too. So here are my top tips for how to make friends as an introvert with social anxiety!

    1. Prepare go-to topics.

    Have a fallback for when you’re not sure what to say. This is especially helpful for small talk, and getting through those first few conversations. My favorites:

    • Make an observation about something you both have in common. If you’re working together, you might say, “How long have you been here? What’s it like?” Or if you’re meeting for a hobby group: “So what got you interested in this?”
    • Compliment them on something they chose. “I like your shoes, where did you get them?” “That’s a sweet cell phone case.” Picking something they chose is also less likely to sound intrusive than commenting on their body.
    • Ask if they have a pet! Everyone who has a pet will love talking about it. If they don’t have a pet, shift to “What would you want if you did have one?” You can also show them pictures of your own pets.

    2. Find predictable ways to connect.

    Structured activities like board games, sports, or trivia nights are great for this. It gives you something to focus on and talk about with others. Plus, team games help people bond quickly. And you won’t have to figure out what’s coming next, so it’s less awkward.

    You can also try finding meetup groups or clubs centered on an interest or hobby. Meetup.com is great for this. You can also go to stores that cater to that interest and ask the staff if they know of groups or events you could join. For instance, if you love fantasy novels, ask the library about local book clubs. If you want to get into Dungeons and Dragons, ask the staff at your local game shop for groups.

    3. When in doubt, focus on the other person.

    Social anxiety makes us look inward, and over-analyze everything we say and do. So I recommend getting out of your own head by consciously listening to what the other person says, does and feels.

    My go-to strategy here is reflection. Try rephrasing or summarizing what the other person says back to them:

    • “I moved to this town just a few months ago.”
    • Reflection: “So you arrived here pretty recently.”

    You can also reflect the emotions that you observe from the other person:

    • “Ugh, I can’t believe my boss dumped this project on me at the last minute!”
    • Reflection: “It sounds like you’re really frustrated about that.”

    The great thing about reflection is that it makes people feel good to be around you, because you’re listening and treating their thoughts as important. It also encourages people to open up more, which keeps the conversation flowing without putting too much responsibility on you to say the right thing.

    4. Let awkwardness happen.

    Inevitably, you will have moments where you’re not sure what to say. This is normal, even for the most confident extroverts. But just because you feel awkward doesn’t mean you’re messing up.

    Instead of paying attention to your inner feelings – which are biased toward anxiety – look at how other people are behaving. Are they giving you “negative signals” like turning away, glaring, responding with one-word answers or not at all? Or do they look upbeat, neutral, or maybe a little awkward themselves? Unless you’re getting clear signals from other people that they’re upset at you, you probably did nothing wrong.

    It’s okay for there to be lulls in the conversation. Just wait, and the conversation will return on its own time. No one ever got hurt by a little awkwardness.

    5. The most important tool to make friends as an introvert with social anxiety…is practice!

    It’s hard and scary, especially at first. You will spend a lot of time worrying about whether you did it right – I know I did. This is a skill that nobody’s born knowing how to do, and it needs to be repeated over and over. Many of my clients are introverts who struggled with social anxiety, but through our work they built the confidence to reach out and make wonderful friends. You can do it, too!

    If your social anxiety is particularly severe, it’s helpful to get support from other people. Your existing friends or family can give you encouragement, feedback, and help you find the courage to reach out. If you need more focused support, therapy can help you overcome your anxiety and build stronger social skills. Let me know if you’re interested in giving it a shot.