Shaded Bough Counseling

Month: September 2022

  • 5 Ways to Improve Self-Esteem

    5 Ways to Improve Self-Esteem

    Self-esteem seems simple, but millions of people struggle with it. Low self-esteem increases your risk of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and other mental illnesses. It makes you more vulnerable to toxic relationships. But there are ways you can improve your self-esteem, and strengthen both your relationships and mental health.

    1. Find things you like about yourself.

    The simplest way to improve your self-esteem is to find your good qualities. What are you good at? What are your strengths? Do other people tell you you’re kind, funny, smart, or give you other compliments?

    If you’re not sure where to start, try looking at a list of strengths and examining which ones might fit you. You’ll probably notice some good qualities you hadn’t even considered applying to yourself, like tactful, inquisitive, or genuine. For bonus points, try thinking of situations where you’ve used those strengths, to reinforce them in your brain.

    I recommend trying to think of one or two good qualities each day when you’re starting out. The more you practice, the easier it will be for your brain to notice these strengths, which will increase your self-esteem.

    2. Accept compliments gracefully.

    When someone tells you you’re awesome, do you disagree? When they say you did a great job, do you say, “It wasn’t that special”? This can lower your self-esteem if you do it often. It builds a habit of your brain minimizing your strengths.

    Instead, try saying, “Thank you! I really appreciate that.” If you feel uncomfortable, you can follow it with complimenting the other person. This takes attention off of you and helps the other person feel valued, too.

    Accepting compliments may feel awkward at first. You might worry about sounding arrogant. But most people give compliments to show appreciation and try to make you feel good, so they will be happy their compliment has been accepted.

    3. Avoid putting yourself down.

    Many of my clients say, “I’m being lazy,” “I’m a terrible person,” or “I’m not that smart.” Even people who are smart, kind and hard-working tell me this. The problem is, if you keep telling yourself you’re bad, you’ll start to believe it.

    Instead, describe the emotion you’re feeling: “I feel worried about my productivity.” “I feel guilty for what I did.” “I feel sad because I want my grades to be higher.” Often, we mistake feeling bad for being bad. But emotions are temporary, not an unchangeable part of who you are. The fact that you’re feeling bad is a sign you’re capable of reflecting on your life, and learning from it. It means you can grow.

    4. Write down your accomplishments.

    I like to tell my clients to write down one thing they have accomplished each day. Even small things count, like “I managed to brush my hair,” or “I made my sister smile.” If it’s an accomplishment for them, if it took any effort at all, it counts. By the end of the week they have a whole list of reasons to be proud. You can do this, too!

    Writing positive things is one of the best ways to improve self-esteem because it makes your brain focus harder on the thought, and when you see it written in front of you, it feels more real.

    Make sure to write down your accomplishments after you’ve done them, by the way. If you write something you’re planning to do in advance it can feel like added pressure and stress.

    5. Even your friends can be a way to improve self-esteem!

    A lot of our self-esteem is learned from how other people treat us. If others treat you like you don’t matter, it can be hard to believe you do.

    Look for friends, family and coworkers who treat you with respect. Who pays attention to you when you talk, who hears out your opinions, who makes time for you in their day? If you usually walk away from a conversation with someone feeling better, that’s a good sign to spend more time with them. If the conversation ends and you usually feel frustrated, embarrassed or self-conscious, they may not be good for your self-esteem.

    Other ways to improve self-esteem

    Low self-esteem is one of the most common issues I treat in therapy. Many tools have been developed to help people with this, including assertiveness skills, boundary-setting, self-compassion, and exploring your personal values. Cognitive-behavior therapy can also be adapted to focus on self-esteem. It’s okay if you don’t know where to start: there’s enough overlap that you’ll probably find something useful with any of those subjects.

    Self-help books, podcasts and other media have been created to help people with low self-esteem. You may also find a therapist useful for help personally tailored to your needs, and to get support in your self-esteem journey. If you are interested in starting sessions, or are curious about what it may look like, drop me a line!

  • How Long Does Therapy Take To Work?

    How Long Does Therapy Take To Work?

    If you’re thinking of starting psychotherapy, it can be an intimidating commitment. How do you know whether you’ll get results? How do you know if you’ve found the right therapist? And how much time should you give it before trying something else? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but here are a few pointers to help you figure out how long therapy may take to work for you.

    It depends on the challenges you’re facing.

    In general, the more “problems” you need to work on, the more time you will need. The more intense those problems feel, the longer they will probably take. Some of these problems might be mental health related, but they can also come from your relationships, work or school, or other circumstances that give you stress.

    Some diagnoses need a longer treatment than others. A person with complex PTSD and depression will probably need more sessions than someone whose only issue is overcoming a phobia of dogs. A person who starts therapy to figure out how to be happier at work might no longer need therapy once they have a new job they love. It’s hard to give a definite timeline, since so many things can make recovery easier or harder. The shortest I’ve seen a person meet their goals is two months, and the longest is several years.

    It depends on your goals.

    If you want to only see a therapist for two months, that’s probably long enough to improve your coping skills, or learn to handle job interviews. It may be enough for some kinds of phobias or grief. But it will probably take longer to work through complex feelings about your parents, or overcome a major depressive episode, or handle guilt about a childhood trauma. Deeper work, or changes that affect big parts of your life or relationships, tend to take longer.

    You can decide how deep you want to go, and what you want to work on. Perhaps you only want to focus on quitting smoking, and not on family issues or anxiety right now. That’s okay. If you wish, you can change your goals later, too.

    Your therapist may give you “homework” to try between sessions. This could mean filling out a worksheet, practicing conversation skills, journaling, or many other things. You don’t have to do the homework, but it usually helps your brain learn new skills or insights faster.

    It depends on how well you and your therapist connect.

    There have been a lot of studies done on which therapy techniques work best. But the most important factor isn’t actually the specific technique: it’s how supported you feel in therapy. The process of working with someone who listens, takes you seriously, accepts you as you are, and who believes you can recover is healing in itself.

    On the other hand, if you don’t feel comfortable with your therapist, or don’t feel like therapy is working for you, bring that up with the therapist! We make mistakes sometimes, and it’s helpful for us to hear if we did something wrong, so we can fix it. Or, if you’re not comfortable discussing it, you can contact their supervisor (if they have one) or switch to a new therapist.

    It’s also okay to ask for a therapist who shares your background or culture. For instance, if you would feel most comfortable with a Black therapist, the Black Therapy Network is a great place to start. Psychology Today’s directory lets you filter therapists by gender, race, and other demographics. Another great option is to find a therapist who is an ally, even if they aren’t in your community. You can ask therapists in the first email, phone call or session about their experience with your issue or community, and that will help you gauge whether they’re a good fit for you.

    How to make therapy work faster for you

    1. Get help early. It’s easier to address the molehill before it becomes a mountain.
    2. Find a therapist you feel comfortable with. Don’t be afraid to shop around or do a “trial run” of 1-3 sessions first.
    3. Identify your goals. This will help you know when you’re moving in the right direction.
    4. Do the homework. More practice between sessions usually means faster results.
    5. If something isn’t working, let the therapist know. We don’t want to waste your time going down the wrong path!

    Okay, but how long does therapy take to work on average?

    For my own clients, it takes anywhere from four months to a couple years. For most people. It might be shorter if you have a lot of support, a relatively straightforward concern, or your external situation improves. It might be longer if your situation is complex or you change your goals midway through therapy. I wish I could be more precise, but it wouldn’t be truthful.

    I have found that most people who aren’t sure if their problems are “serious enough” for therapy do benefit from it. Even if the problem really is small, it means therapy goes faster and prevents worse problems later. I’m a big fan of preventative care, both for doctor’s visits and for mental health. So if you’re on the fence, know that you can reach out to me or another therapist, give it a go for a few sessions, and quit or see someone else if it isn’t working for you.